2013 in Review

It is blowing my mind that 2014 is so close!  I had to write the date for the first time the other day, and my mind kept thinking how odd it looked.  I've been thinking about this last year a lot.  There have been some life changing things and unexpected experiences.  It leaves me wondering what will 2014 hold?

Before we step into the next year, I thought I would review this last year.  The good.  The bad.  The ugly. The previously unblogged details.  Let me grab a glass of eggnog before I continue.

The year started out with very little sleep.  My two girls had been with me for less than 2 months.  We were struggling to develop some sort of sleeping patterns that allowed me to get more than 4 hours of sleep each night.  I was a mess.  However, after making some changes that were difficult, the girls were sleeping through the night more frequently by February.  The lack of sleep phase is one I do not want to repeat.  It wasn't just the loss of sleep that made life hard; it was dealing with all of the emotional issues of my children while I was exhausted.  It is hard to think clearly when your brain isn't working any more.

In February, I took a little break during my birthday.  I left my girls with an approved and trusted family for a few days.  I went to San Antonio and relaxed with friends.  It was a much needed break.  I felt so much more human afterwards.  Going into the weekend, I was wondering if I had anything left to give to my girls. Once I had time to refill my love bucket with friend time, I knew I would be able to face what was to come.

The Spring found me potty training the oldest and dealing with a lot of illness with the same child.  It was rough.  We ended up having appointments with specialists that led to a common childhood surgery.  Watching my little one go through this was so hard!  I didn't like seeing her in pain.  The recovery process was short, but it caused me to miss two weeks of work.  It was another reminder that being a single parent is very difficult.  I was the only one that could help my little girl, and I was the only one who would be bringing home a paycheck.

During the same time, I received a medical diagnosis that was not surprising but still frustrating.  It was hard to hear, but having a name for the issue helped give us a direction for dealing with the problem. Not much later, I started having other health issues pop up.  I was visiting doctors and specialists way more than I ever wanted.  It was during an appointment for one thing that a sonogram was done. Everything seemed fine at the time.  However, a few days later, I got the dreaded phone call.  The one were the doctor says we found something and now we need to test for cancer.  I was floored.  Shocked.  Scared.  Devastated.  It was going to be a week before the biopsy could be done.  A week of torturing myself.  Then the day came for the procedure.  I was incredibly tense.  Once it was done though, I went to my car and cried.  Tears of release.  The waiting for the test was done.  Now the waiting for the results to come in.  That was the longest, hardest 4 days ever.  I just knew it was going to be positive for cancer.

At the same time as I was waiting to hear if I had cancer, I was waiting to hear what was going to happen with my girls.  Almost every other week, I was getting different answers.  Yes, they were going.  No, they were staying.  Just joking.  They really are going, but we don't know when.  Oh wait, they could go soon.  Like next month soon.  Never mind, it could be a couple of months.  I didn't know what to believe!  I was going crazy.  The conflicting information left me confused.  I felt like God told me to live in today, to go ahead and make plans for them, and He would take care of the timing of their leaving.  So I did.

As soon as I had peace about my girls, I would be in tail spin about whether or not I had cancer.  I didn't sleep much while I waited for that phone call.  Then finally, the call came.  My hands were shaking as I answered my phone.  The nurse on the other line said the words I did not expect to hear, "The biopsy came back clean.  There is no cancer."  I kept repeating what she said.  It was a short phone call that made the huge weight lift off my shoulders.  I cried again.  Tears of joy.  The first thing I did was text my bff.  She was anxiously waiting to hear the results.  As I'm typing this, I could cry again.  I keep praising God that I don't have cancer!

Then the next thing you know, the summer is heading towards an end.  My friend, Kimberly, joined me and my girls on a trip to the Dallas Zoo.  It turns out this adventure would be just days before they go home.  In August, they went back to their bio family.  It was heart wrenching.  I honestly thought I would never see them again.  I told my agency to take me off their list for a while, and if they called me it better only be about a baby girl.  I did get several calls.  And for one reason or another, I didn't get any of those babies.

In October, I was able to go visit my beautiful sister April and her family.  It was so good to spend time with them.  And wouldn't you know, about a week after being back from my vacation, I got a call asking if I would take in two little girls.  My babies. I was blown away.  I said yes, of course!

Since then, we have been working on rebuilding our family connection.  In many ways, it feels like they never left.  We have a routine that works for us.  I love them dearly.  They have grown so much in every area of their lives.  I feel privileged to walk through life with them.

We had a great Thanksgiving and Christmas with family.  My girls love playing with their "cousins".  My family loves on them as if they are a permanent fixture.  It does my heart good.  Just today, my oldest niece was counting the number of grand kids; and she included mine.  Loved it!

We still don't know what will happen with them.  It will be March before we know.  We could use your prayers.  I'm praying for God's will, not man's.  There are so many people involved in this case.  It would be very easy for one person's agenda to cloud the judgement of others.

2013 was a whirlwind.  I'm hoping for some calm winds and lots of joy for 2014.

Christmas

I can hardly believe that Christmas is next week!  I don't feel ready at all.  Between the ice storm and a late Thanksgiving, I haven't had much time to do any preparations.  Sadly, it looks like I will be out with the masses on Saturday finishing up some last minute things.  The last month has been tough financially.  Those that say they do foster care for the money, well, I don't get it.  It takes sooo long to get reimbursed for anything.  Not going to lie.  It has stressed me out.  However, I know I don't need to worry. God always provides.  Bills get paid.  My girls always have what they need.  I'm blessed with an agency, CASA volunteers, and family who will all make sure my girls have a crazy big Christmas.  Add the things I've purchased for them and my girls will think excess is normal.  :)  Which I totally don't mind.

This year my girls are understanding a little bit more about Jesus and the importance of this holiday.  I love hearing them talk about baby Jesus.  I love how my 3 year old has put together the fact that baby Jesus grew up to die on the cross for the bad things we have all done.  It has been a wonderful journey to share with both of them the joy of Jesus and all He has done for us.

I'm not doing Santa Claus with my girls.  I know that may sound crazy to some.  However, I have spent the last year building trust with my girls.  I have promised my oldest many times that I would never lie to her.  I don't feel like I can tell her that Santa is real.  I don't want to tell her a lie.  She believes everything I say.  Everything.  I can't destroy such a beautiful trust by telling her that Santa is real, and then in a few years having to let her know that he isn't.  I want her to believe in the unseen.  I want her to believe in Someone bigger than herself.  I want her to believe that there are great mysterious happenings called miracles.  But I want her to believe those things about Jesus.  A real Person.  A real God.  A real Savior.  He is the one who provides for us.  He is the one who is watching our every move to see if we are "naughty or nice".  I don't want her to think that Christmas is about being good to get presents.  I want her to know the true beauty of Christmas is about a baby King who came to save us.  

Ok, ok.  I will get off my soap box.  :)

I never would have thought that I would be privileged to get to have these girls for another Christmas.  We still don't know for sure what the future holds for them or me.  But I have peace about the decisions I've been asked to make regarding their long term care.  Hopefully, in the months to come, I will be able to share more about that with you.

A year ago when I took the phone call from my agency asking me if I would take a 14 month old and 2 1/2 year old little girls, I had no idea they would be with me so long.  I didn't know they would leave and come back 10 weeks later.  If you take out that 10 week period, they have basically been with me for a year.  I was so scared to say yes that day.  God told me in that moment not to say "NO" because I would be doing so out of fear.  Little did I know what He had in store for me.  I can't imagine my life without these little girls. Now they are 2 years and 3 1/2 years old.  They are so big compared to a year ago!

Having them back these last 4 weeks has been an interesting time.  We have settled back into a routine that is familiar and works for us.  They are back in their daycare with their friends.  I'm back to trying to figure out how to work, take care of a house, pay bills, keep kids alive, help them grow, keep my sanity, maintain friendships, grow in my walk with God, become a better mother, keep the peace in the house, enforce all the rules and consequences, etc. all by myself.  It is overwhelming, not gonna lie.

The hardest part of the last few weeks has been trying to help my oldest heal and process from the transition of leaving me, being at home, leaving there, and coming back to me.  It has been very hard on her.  As an adult, I know I have a hard time processing emotions and not allowing my emotions dictate how I respond to situations.  If it is this hard for me, I know it is a million times harder for a little 3 year old girl.  Between my wonderful agency and myself, we are working on finding ways to help her process all of this in a healthy manner.  Prayers would be appreciated.

Even though we have had several rough patches, I LOVE being their mom.  They love being with me.  Their hearts are more open to Jesus.  I LOVE that too!  It has been fun seeing my oldest get glimpses of Who God is.  Child like faith is a beautiful thing.  I can learn a thing or two from her.  :)

The baby isn't so much of a baby any more.  At 2  years of age, she is becoming very independent and strong willed.  However, there is still the gentle baby-like side to her that makes everyone melt.  :)  I'm pretty sure she is the teacher's favorite in her class at daycare.  Shhh... you didn't hear that from me.

I feel like I'm still learning about them.  I know they weren't gone for long, but they changed so much during that time period.  It seems like I have some catching up to do at times.

Well, I should probably keep this short.  I'm about to fall asleep as I type.  You never know when a toddler might wake up.  I need some sleep.  :)

As a reminder, it is National Adoption Awareness Month.  Go find out how you can serve the fatherless.

Good news/Bad news

In honor of Orphan Sunday, here is an update.

As many of you know, I opened my home up to two girls on October 18.  What many of you don't know is that these girls are not strangers to my home.  My girls had gone home August 6, but things didn't go well.  I was asked if I would take them back, and I didn't hesitate in saying yes.  I was beyond excited to see my girls again!!  It took a few days for it to sink in that they were back!  I never expected to see them again.  The fact that my home had no other children was huge.  I could have had a baby and not been able to take them back.  Even though their returning is not under the best of circumstances, I sense God's hand on the situation.  I strongly believe that they are with me for a reason.  There in lies the good news/bad news.  It is great to have them back!  But this means more emotional trauma for my girls.  

I'm not going to lie.  Having them here has made me think about the "a" word... adoption.  If the opportunity was presented, would I adopt them?  Am I capable of taking care of two children by myself?  Oh, wait!  I already am.  lol  Can I afford two children?  What about school?  Do I want to do private or public?  Next thing you know, I'm thinking 10 years down the road.  Crazy female brain of mine.  I take anything and run so far ahead.  Then I discovered that I don't need to make a decision right now.  No one is asking me to.  Let's just say I lost a lot of sleep trying to answer those questions.  Many hours of prayer was going into this thought process only to realize that I don't need to figure it out right now.  

Foster care is all about reconciliation.  Even if or when CPS decides that termination is best, the judge or jury, as the case may be, might decide that the family should have another chance.  It is hard as a foster parent to see so many kids hurting.  Going back and forth between biological family and foster families is nothing short of stressful and damaging to these little ones.  That is why it is so important to be available for those kids that bounce in and out of the system.  I was so glad to take my girls again. There was no way I was going to let them go to another family who would be perfect strangers.  

The last two weeks have been partly as if they have never left and partly oh my goodness.  We could definitely use some prayers.  

I'm incredibly thankful that there are churches all over the world acknowledging the need for families for the family-less children.  As my pastor stated today, it isn't the kid's fault they aren't in a family.  It is the lack of open homes.  What if all the churches had families who opened their doors to the fatherless?  What would our society look like 20 years from now?  Did you know that how large the jails will need to be in the future are based upon how many kids are in the foster system now?  What part can you play in changing this?  Can you be a family to one of the 500,000 children in the US who are in need of a home?  James 1:27 my friends.  It is not an option to take care of the widows and orphans.  It is a command.  May I urge you, my friends, to pray what role you should play. 

As of Monday, I'm back on my agency's list for waiting for a foster child.  I was a little nervous telling them that I was ready.  I still miss my girls heaps.  Being ready for more children isn't about my no longer missing my girls.  It is more about my seeing a need that I can meet than my heart being healed.  Honestly, by saying yes to my agency, fear almost consumed me.  The "what if" questions started going through my head.  The biggest question is "What if I fall in love with another child and I end up not being able to adopt them?" Loving and letting go is beyond difficult.  God reminded me being obedient is most important. I can't let fear control my decision making or my obedience.

While I was on vacation, during my plane rides, I read a book called The Middle Mother.  It was written by a foster mom who has had 40 children in her home.  I did my fair share of crying while reading this book. She clearly explained what my heart has been feeling.  I want to love as many children as possible.  I know that in a perfect world, all children would be with their parents. However, any child that enters my home, becomes mine.  And even with the knowledge that the goal for my past girls has always been reconciliation, it didn't stop my heart from wanting them to be my forever child.

So here I am again in a vulnerable place.  Waiting to open my heart and my home.  Hoping this time, I will be able to adopt.  It is a nerve wrecking place to be.  One of my foster mom friends opened her home to a tiny baby today.  This made me excited and hopeful.  It was the reminder that I needed that God will send me the right child at the right time.  It will be a good thing.

In case you hadn't noticed, I love babies.  :)

Cleaning, Journals, and Callings

Saturday afternoon, I was cleaning my room.  Which for me that means there was a lot of sorting and deciding what is trash and what can be kept.  Cleaning my room is never just a simple vacuum and dust situation, unfortunately.  However, since it is an in depth process, it doesn't happen frequently when I have children. Anyway, during this cleaning session, I came across some old journals.  I'm awful about starting one and not finishing it. Then later on finding another journal that I like and starting again in that one.  I have several incomplete books waiting for me to write down my deepest thoughts and emotions. Did I mention that I'm also easily distracted while I'm cleaning?  Any excuse to stop sorting will be taken.  Back on to the topic now.  So this journal was from 2010.   I started reading different entries.  Memories came flooding back.  Then I came to some pretty powerful stuff.  Things that God had spoken to me.  Tears started streaming down my face.  Ugly crying was about to commence.  It was a powerful moment to realize I was living out what God had asked of me three years ago.

Three years ago, God called me in a new direction and confirmed some things about my future.  Interestingly enough, the confirmation of some desires for certain aspects of ministry are still out of reach.  I don't know how those will come about at all.  At this point in my life, it doesn't seem like they are remotely possible.  I mean, I know several people my age who are in full time ministry doing amazing things.  Then there is me. Office manager and part time foster mom.  Doesn't ring as something astounding, but that is where He wants me to be right now. So that must be enough.  However, after reading about this desire for a particular ministry thing (like how I'm being vague about it? lol), God reminded me of something.  There were so many times, as a mom to my girls, that I would be doing things for them that they couldn't see or understand.  I knew I was working on their behalf, but they didn't.  They had no idea if I was going to come through for them or not.  In a lot of ways, I'm like my little girls.  I can't see what God is doing behind the scenes.  I can't tell how He is working things together.  I have to trust that my Heavenly Father knows best and will take care of me.  Only He can bring these desires and dreams to fruition.  With that reminder, and the knowledge that I am living in part of my calling, I keep holding out hope for what is to come.

I wanted to share with you a small part of one of my journal entries.  I want you to see a glimpse of what I heard from God so you too can see that God does move in our lives.  I'm living proof.  This was written after attending a conference for young adult women in September of 2010, three years ago exactly.  At the conference, they had been talking about the need for domestic adoption. I wrote the following:
     I felt God saying, "These are my children.  Take care of my children.  Love my children.  I have called you to be a Mother of Zion.  These are your children."  I believe God was saying that He wants me to take of the children that aren't wanted.  I feel like this includes foster care, domestic adoption, and international adoption.  I will be the one with the family that nobody wanted.  I will be their mother.  I will show them Jesus.  
It was a few months after I wrote the above that I began taking steps to change my life to be prepared for what was to come.  Now, I'm doing it.  It is a million times harder than I expected.  With the grace of God, though, I am able to be a mother to the motherless.  Presently, I am waiting for my next child.  I have asked specifically for a baby girl that will available for adoption.  I've had some close calls, but they didn't work out.  In my heart though, I know she is out there.  My first baby that I am to adopt.  As much as it stinks that her life will be starting with so much baggage, I'm glad I will be able to come along side her and walk through life with her.  I will love her and show her Jesus.

**When I was a young teenager, I believe, I read a book called The Family Nobody Wanted.  It greatly impacted my tender heart.  It was about a couple who ended up adopting children from all sorts of backgrounds because no one else wanted them.  God did amazing things for this family.  I couldn't help but me in awe of them.  It was with this book in mind that I wrote the line in my journal about having the family that no one wanted.  **

If God can use me, He can use anyone.  Even though I can't see what is down the road, I know I'm in good hands.  My Heavenly Father loves me and has called me.  He will take care of the rest.  

I'll Love You Long After You're Gone, Gone, Gone.

As many of you know, my beautiful little girls went home this week.  One of my sisters asked me the other day if I had blogged about it yet.  I said no.  The going home blog is one of the hardest to write.  I knew I needed to write it, but I wasn't ready to put into words the pain I was experiencing.  The time has come, though, I need to process their leaving.

Monday, late morning, I got a call from the case worker saying the signatures we had been waiting for had been received.  She informed me that they would be going home Tuesday afternoon.  I was holding back the tears during the conversation.  Even though I knew this call was coming, my heart wasn't ready to hear it. That evening, I told the girls what was happening.  We had a little make-your-own-pizza party with a friend and her little girl. I gave the girls a parting gift.  At bed time, I was crying my eyes out as I was praying for them.  Knowing this was the last night with them was breaking my heart.

Tuesday morning, I sent them to daycare.  I wanted them to be able to say goodbye to their friends and teachers. My oldest girl didn't want to leave me. She wanted to spend every possible moment with me.  However, I knew what she didn't.  She needed to be able to say goodbye to her friends.  She needed this closure.  I picked them up after nap time.  We went to my parent's house for a little bit so they could say goodbye to Grandma and Papa.  My sweet daddy prayed over them.  After that, we went back to our house where we played games and waited for the dreaded door bell to ring.

The oldest was getting excited about seeing her family.  And yet, the excitement was followed with sadness over the fact that she was leaving me.  As their belongings were put into the case worker's vehicle, I said goodbye to my babies.  Tears were coming.  Words were hard to say.  I wanted to make sure that the oldest understood what was happening.  (I knew the baby hadn't a clue as to what I was trying to tell her, poor thing.)  My oldest girl told me that she was going to go live with her other mommy now, and she wouldn't see me any more.  I told her that was right.  But even though she was gone, I would always love her.  She said she loved me too.

As I went back inside the house, the crying turned into deep soul-wrenching sobs.  My heart felt like it was being torn apart.  Breathing was becoming difficult.  The strong emotions was causing true physical pain. I felt like my heart was literally breaking.  In that moment, I didn't know how it was expected of me to live without my babies.

I realize that CPS views the fact that the girls went home as a win.  They see a family being reunited, which is true.  However, there is another family that is being ripped apart.  The loss the foster family feels isn't a concern of theirs.  I honestly think that they don't expect us to bond with our children.  Minimum Standards of Care says nothing about loving your foster child.  It all boils down to ensuring the child is safe, healthy, and happy.  It seems to me that they are surprised when a foster parent is saddened by the children leaving.  All I know is that I can't help but falling in love with the children that come into my home.  Loving them, though, brings risk of heartache to me.  I'm aware of  this.

The last couple of days I've been in the denial stage of grief.  I think deep down I'm thinking that if I ignore the pain or stay busy enough I won't have to deal with it.  But that isn't true.  The problem is that as soon as I let myself feel, the pain bubbles up and overwhelms me.  Losing my babies is beyond painful.  I keep wondering how they are doing.  If they are adjusting.  If the baby has realized that I'm not coming back yet.  If they are sleeping.  If they are using their words.  If the bio family has any clue on what their needs really are.  If I will ever know that they are ok.  Their leaving is difficult, but the not knowing how they are doing is what drives me batty.

I miss them terribly already.  I want to rock my baby to sleep in the worst way.  I want to hear my oldest say she loves me one more time.  I want to know that they are safe.  I hope and pray that they don't feel like I abandoned them.  Even as I'm typing this, the tears are coming.  I hate not knowing.  The thing is I probably will never know anything about them until Heaven.

I've been asked if I will take on more children.  I will, eventually.  For the next few months though, I will be taking a break. My heart needs time to heal.  I need time to have a social life.  There have been moments in the past 2-3 days where I have wondered if I can keep doing this.  Until God releases me, I feel like I must continue.

I miss my babies.

Limbo

My girls have been with me over 8 months now.  The last few weeks have been emotionally draining.  We have been living in a state of limbo.  On July 5, we were supposed to have a date set for reconciliation. However, due to so many things, we did not get a go home date by then.  The waiting game began.  Then last week, I called our case worker.  I found out that a key situation had been rectified.  I was then informed that the girls could go home any day now.  She said pack up their things and wait for the call.  So I did.  I packed.  I did loads of laundry.  I gathered up their toys.  And we waited.  Each day, I would wonder if today was the day they would leave.  Then when 5 PM rolled around, I knew we were in the clear for the day.  This living in limbo is incredibly difficult.  My heart doesn't know what to feel.  Part of me doesn't want them to ever leave.  The other part of me wants them to leave and get the pain over with.  I know what is coming when they go.  There will be so many tears on my part.  I will experience all the stages of grief.  Knowing that is coming is hard.  I'm trying to live in the moment every day, which is draining in itself.  We went to the zoo over the weekend.  We went out for ice cream.  We are spending lots of time together.  I want them to have many happy memories when they go home.  And yet, trying to make every day momentous is difficult.  I mean some days, you are doing good to make it to bed time.

Even though this has been hard on me, I know it is very hard on my 3 year old.  I told her that she was going home soon.  We have had several discussions about it.  I want her to fully understand the situation on her level.  Today she surprised me because she told me in her own words what is about to happen.  I guess all the talks have really sunk in.  She doesn't want to leave me, and yet she misses her family.  She is torn.  I can't blame her.  My heart goes out to her.  She is too little to be dealing with all of these things.

It has been 10 days, and we still don't have a go home date.  We are all a wreck.  Waiting stinks.  However, we do know that it can't last forever.  The next court date is around August 12.  If they aren't home by then, they will go home that day.  Even though I know that there is an end date by which things have to happen, it is still difficult knowing that they could leave at any moment before then.  

When every day could be your last day together, you live differently.  You try to live it with a purpose.  My prayers over the girls are longer.  My hugs are longer.  The "I love you's" are said dozens of time a day.  I don't want any opportunity to pass me by for them to know my love and the love of their Heavenly Father.

We are living life one day at a time...

It is all part of the process

The last couple of days, all I can think about is how far my girls have come.  They have been with me seven months now.  It has been a learning experience by all.  Tonight, when I picked them up from daycare, they were so happy.  We were jammin' to some Toby Mac in the car.  I was showing them some of my car dancing moves.  They were laughing and saying how silly I was, but then they joined in.  It was one of those moments that will be seared in my memory.  As we were eating dinner, more smiles and laughter.  My oldest kept saying how happy she was over and over.  I loved it.  :)

Then out of no where, there was a shift.  We went from laughter to tears.  It was week one issues all over again.  I was floored.  I couldn't figure out what in the world was going on.  Why the sudden regression?  Why am I having to deal with an issue that has been all but gone for five months?

As I was putting them down for bed, I remembered an article I read about a month ago.  It talked about how children will sometimes seemingly go backwards without any reason.  Whether they have been with you  six months or six years, old hurt issues can and will come back up from time to time.  It is our job as parents to have compassion and help them through the rough patch.  I needed that reminder.  Whatever may have been going on in her little mind that triggered the events of the evening, was a lot harder on her than it was on   me.  What she needed from me was hugs and reminders of how much I love her.

In so many ways, we aren't so different from children.  We all have hurts and wounds that are being healed.  At times, we can go months without thinking about the injury.  Then something happens and we are reliving it all over again.  We are then dealing with emotional issues and flashbacks.  However, you respond to the situation, you need time to do some healing and get yourself situated again.  Next thing you know, you are okay for a while.  If we do that as adults, why would I expect a child to be instantly healed and not deal with previous issues any more?  I'm not God.  I can't heal immediately.  Only He can do that.  And more often than not, He chooses to heal over time with a process.  I need to allow my girls to heal at their own pace in their own way.  I must not freak out or question my abilities as a mom when we deal with repeat problems.  Must repeat to myself that it is okay and just part of the process.

Oh, How Far They've Come!

It dawned on me tonight while I was rocking my baby to sleep that maybe I complain to much about the difficulties of being a single foster parent.  I know the last few weeks have been hard for me.  There has been a lot going on personally with me.  I'm pretty sure it has clouded my ability to find the joy in the ordinary.

So instead of talking about the hardships, I want to share how far we've come.  I've had the girls 6 months now.  Wow!  It seems like I've had them forever, and yet it seems like they just arrived.  When they first came to me, I'm pretty sure I didn't sleep for eight weeks.  I literally was either sitting on the floor next to the bed of one child or rocking back to sleep the other child almost all night.  I was averaging four hours of sleep each night, and they weren't consecutive either.  Now, they sleep in separate rooms; and if they do wake up, it is once and back to sleep in a reasonable amount of time.  I call that progress! :)

These little girls have blossomed so much!  I love watching their personalities unfold.  They love music and dancing.  It cracks me up to see them "dance".  It is usually a lot of bouncing, jumping and falling down.  If a song comes on the radio that they don't like, they feel free to voice their opinions.

I remember the very first night.  The baby woke up and looked at me with huge eyes.  I could tell she was confused and scared.  She didn't know who I was or why she was there.  Now, she calls me "mommy" and runs to greet me every day.  She tells me that she loves me.  Those eyes are now filled with love and joy.  She has stolen my heart.

The older child struggled with expressing her needs/desires.  For the first couple of months, it meant meltdowns and very long tantrums.  Now, she has learned to use her words to let me know how I can help her.  She has come soooo far!  We are still working on not whining when asking for things and using proper tone of voice, but I'm happy with the progress she has made.

They are both incredibly smart!  I love watching them learn new things.  Their vocabulary increases all the time.  In six months, songs of ABC's, Twinkle Twinkle, Wheels on the Bus have filled our car rides and bath tub times.  Of course their version is adorable and not always accurate.  :)

It is fun to watch these little people make friends.  They talk about their friends every day.  They greet their friends when we arrive at daycare.  The older one will occasionally insist that she sits by her "best friend" at meal time.  Naturally, her best friend changes almost daily.

Books are a big things around here.  Certain ones I've read enough times they will both start quoting it with me.  :)

Jesus is becoming part of their lives and speech.  I'm asked to pray for their family members every night.

They are growing in every way.  I enjoy seeing them change and become themselves.  I love them dearly.  I can't imagine life without them.  They make me laugh and smile.

So You Want To Be A Single Foster Parent (or adoptive parent)

When I was in the process of becoming a foster parent, I searched high and low for books about it from a single person's perspective.  You know how many I found?  None.  Zero. I have often thought about writing a book with the above title, but I'm not sure I have enough to say to fill a whole book.  Maybe I will in a year or two.  :)  However, I do think I have a blog or three I could share on the topic.

There are several things that I have learned in the last year that I wish I had known before I became a single foster parent.  I probably would have still done it because it is what God asked of me, but I would have been going  into it a little more prepared.

So maybe you are reading this blog and wondering what you would be getting into if you decided to do it as a single person.  Let me ask you a question. How many sick days and or vacation days do you have?  Why is that important?  Your child may not come to you in perfect health.  You may find yourself taking more days off than you expected.  Since you are on your own, you are more than likely going to be taking advantage of a daycare.  If they get sick, they can't be at daycare.  And I can't tell you the number of phone calls I've received at work saying I had a sick child.  On top of that, doctors will tell you that the first one to two years a child is in a daycare they will be sick up to 50% of the time!!  Of course that could range from a constant runny nose to Strep throat.  There is a good chance you will be using your sick days and possibly your vacation time, not on yourself, but on your sick child.  Then what will you do if you run out of paid time off?  Can you afford to miss 5+ days of work a month without pay?  True, you might get a child that never gets sick.  Count yourself blessed!  However, more than likely, your child will get sick.  It is just a matter of how frequently.

I've missed more work the last 6 months than I would like to admit to.  It has cost me a lot.  I had no idea that I would miss so many days.  Fortunately, I have employers that are willing to work with me.  I know I'm blessed in that aspect for sure.  If your job isn't flexible, there is a good chance you could lose your job if you end up having to miss work often.  Maybe you should begin looking for back up child care for when you have a sick kid if you can't take off of work.  Crunch the numbers.  How much can you live off of each month if your hours are cut?  I had no idea going into this that I would miss as much work as I have.  It is one of the many things I wish I had known going into this.

Mother's Day

I've been a mom now a little over a year. Wow, a year?!?!  Time flies.  What a year it has been.  I've learned sooo much, and yet I feel like I will never know all I need to know.

Today was in many ways, a typical Saturday.  We had our ups and downs.  However, as they went to bed; I had such a peace in my heart, such a joy.  I love being their mom.  They bring me joy and frustration.  They have been with me 6 months now.  Their personalities are continually blossoming.  I'm seeing new sides to them all the time.  Just when I think I've got them figured out, they will say or do something that surprises me.  

In some ways, I feel like I haven't screwed up as much with them as I did with the first set of girls.  Unfortunately, someone has to be first.  I went to a conference to learn more about being a foster parent a couple of weeks after my first foster daughters went home.  There was one session that I attended that had me bawling my eyes out.  I saw how many errors I had made with one of my girls.  I didn't respond to certain situations properly.  It was an eye opening class, but it ripped my heart apart.  All I could think was "I totally screwed up my little girl".  So many people would say that I did the best I could and not to worry about it.  However,  I feel like I need to continually strive to do better.  With our jobs doing our best is not always good enough.  If you mess up and it was your best, it could still cost you your job.  As a mom, I know I will make mistakes; but I want to keep the damages down to a minimum.

I'm learning as a mom how to give correction that will be received by them on their level.  Each child responds differently to discipline.  One thing I'm doing is making sure that I tell them that I love them after every correction.  I never want my girls to think that their behavior would change my love for them.

Even though I'm doing some things better, I have much to learn.  But that is ok.  Being a parent is a marathon, not a sprint.

To all the mothers out there, as you celebrate being a Mom, give yourself a break.  Don't beat yourself up for not being perfect.  Keep pressing forward.  The most important thing I've learned is to love 100%.  Love those babies who wake you up every few hours, who poop on your floors, who eat you out of house and home, who bite and hit other kids, who yell at you that they don't love you any more because they just got in trouble, who give wet kisses, who talk to every passing stranger.  What am I saying?  Your a mom.  Moms love without hesitation.  You know to love with all your heart.  Maybe I should say, Moms go ahead and let your family pamper you tomorrow.  Allow yourself to relax.  You deserve it.  You work too hard as it is.

To the single moms out there... You probably bought your own gift and will have to cook all the meals tomorrow.  You might not even get to put on your make up before going to church.  Your little ones may be too young to know anything about making you a card.  However, you are not forgotten.  You are stronger than you think.  You are doing a better job than you think.  You are loved more than you know.

I was asked recently why I became a single foster parent.  As soon as I mentioned God, they rolled their eyes.  In all honestly, I wouldn't be doing this if it weren't for God.  This is the hardest job in the world.  And yet....

I love being a mom.  :) Happy Mother's Day to all the amazing moms out there!!!

You know you are a foster parent when...

You go to a locked box to get medicine or vitamins. Let's just say I had a hard time remembering to take my vitamins before I was a foster parent.  Now that they are locked up, I'm doing good to take them once a week.

You know you are a foster parent when...
Finding a babysitter requires a back ground check and a letter of reference.

You know you are a foster parent when...
A night without the children feels like a special occasion.

You know you are a foster parent when...
Taking continuing education classes is not only required but looked forward to as time off.

You know you are a foster parent when...
Mother's Day and/or Father's Day isn't just about you.  It is also about the bio family of your children.  When I buy a card for my own parents, I'm getting one for a person I've never met.

You know you are a foster parent when...
A doctor's visit requires a form three pages long to be filled out.

You know you are a foster parent when...
You have to have difficult conversations with little ones about why they aren't with their bio family.  This one will never cease to be hard for me.  No matter whether the child is 10 or 2, they want to know why they can't be with the ones they love.

You know you are a foster parent when...
You have to tell a child who you absolutely love and who loves you back that once they leave you, you will probably never see each other again.

You know you are a foster parent when...
Your social calendar is filled with appointments with case workers and other decision makers and not your friends.

You know you are a foster parent when...
The site of uncovered outlets makes you very nervous, even if children aren't around.

You know you are a foster parent when...
All forms of discipline that you grew up with are not allowed to be used.  Well, maybe not ALL but most.

You know you are a foster parent when...
You find yourself saying bed time prayers with your children and they ask you to pray for their family members whom you have never met.

Timelines and lack of control

I'm like a lot of people.  I prefer knowing what is going to happen next.  Having an idea of what is coming up helps prepare and plan for the future.  However, as a foster parent, I rarely know what is going to happen today much less a few months down the road.  It is a common frustration among the foster parent community, this lack of knowing.  Through this, though, God has been teaching me to surrender my need for control.  It has been a hard lesson to learn.

One of my biggest fears with my first girls was that they would go home with little notice; that I wouldn't get much time to say goodbye.  This is exactly what happened.  It was a rare situation, but it forced me to seek God and trust Him with it all.  I'm seeing this same fear creep up again with my current girls.  I want to know how much longer I have with them.  I don't want to be surprised again.  However, God keeps tapping on my heart and reminding me that needing to know isn't necessary.  I need to rest in Him and trust Him with the perfect timing of when they go or how long they stay.  The timeline is in His hands.

When you are a foster parent, you can have a meeting with the case worker one month and they say that in "x" amount of time they will talk about going home.  Then the next month, they might say well "x, y, and z need to happen first".  It keeps changing.  Right now, I'm in a position where a potential timeline has been discussed as a hypothetical reconciliation date.  My mind immediately began to run a million miles a minute when this was discussed.  Emotions, questions, and fears all raced through me.  I had to remind myself that just because it is being discussed doesn't mean that it will happen.  There are too many variables.  No matter what I'm told, I won't know for sure what is happening until it happens.

Letting go of control and allowing other people to make decisions for my girls is scary.  I pray almost every day for the decision makers in my girl's lives.  Even though my mind and flesh scream at me to try to find some way to take control, I know I can't.  All the internal wrestling in the world won't make any difference.  Only God knows what the future holds.  So I cling tightly to His hand and pray that His will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.   I believe my girls are in my life for a reason and for a season.  I trust that God won't let them stay a day too long or leave too early.  I trust that He will take care of them even when they are out of my sight.  I have to.  If I don't, I will go mad.

Looking Up

The last few weeks have been interesting for me.  Not so much because anything has or has not happened.  It is more because of what has been going on internally.  My dear friend and I have been reading the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan.  We aren't that far along, only chapter 3; but it has been opening my eyes to things I've known but have forgotten.  In addition to this, the past couple of weeks at church have been AMAZING!!

I've been following Jesus since I was a child.  I'm definitely not the perfect example of a devote Christian.  I make mistakes and take my eyes off of Him way more than I would like to admit to.  This book,  Crazy Love, has been reminding me how BIG God is and how small - but significant - I am.  In light of the astounding universe that has been created, I am so small.  Might as well be an ant.  Yet, God finds me significant.  Significant enough to send His Son to die for me, to love me - my flaws and all.  When I pause to think about it, it totally boggles my mind.  If I was God (and aren't you glad I'm not?), I'm not so sure I would send my only child to save people who will continually fail, turn on me, mock me, and say I don't exist.  But He does. He says it is worth it.  The loss.  The sacrifice.  The pain.  We are worth it to Him.  Truly mind boggling.

Right now, I believe I'm doing what God has called me to do, be a mother to the motherless.  Some how in the midst of fulfilling this call, I lost sight of Who He is.  I turned my eyes onto myself, my problems, my issues.  I was trying to do everything on my own.  I was becoming quite miserable honestly.  Yet I couldn't manage to figure out why I was so down and out.  I blamed it on all sorts of things.  Truthfully, though, it was because I was being self-centered instead of God-centered.  I was allowing my problems to balloon instead of keeping them in perspective of how great our God is.   If I truly believe that Jesus loves me, SO many doubts and worries would fade away.  This truth of His love is simplistic, but this jaded heart finds it complex at times.

Then you add in the last few weeks at church... WOW!  Talk about learning to set aside what you want and letting God do His thing!  God has been showing me how many things I put before Him, how many idols I've allowed into my heart.  It is disheartening.  Towards the end of service the last two weeks, a song called "Clear the Stage" has been played.  This song caused me to do some serious crying and soul searching.  It talks about finding the idols in our life and not letting worship be words only.  What have I put before God?  What occupies my mind the most?  Why I have let myself become distracted from the truth of WHO HE IS? The answers aren't so pretty.  Looking into the mirror of your soul isn't always a pretty picture.  Fear, worry, doubt, worry, lack of trust, worry.  See a pattern?  Worry steals from me constantly.  I some how think that it is ok to worry, when in fact it isn't.  Worry is saying God isn't big enough.  Worry has become an idol.

Needless to say, lots of repenting has been happening in my heart the last couple of weeks.  I want to keep my eyes on Him, the Author and Perfecter of my faith.  When I do, the burden becomes lighter and hope springs anew.  I'm thankful that God is God, and I am not.  I'm thankful He loves me enough to show me my flaws and pull me closer to Himself.

Yes, I'm THAT Mom.

I've surprised myself being a mom.  I didn't realize I would feel so strongly about some things and a little more easy going about others.  You don't really know what your parenting style will be until you are one.

For instance, yes I'm that mom who will correct a child in a play area if they are acting all crazy.  If you leave your child unsupervised and they are a hazard to mine, I will be speaking to the child.  I'm a momma bear, and I won't let my girls be bullied.  

I'm that mom who will feed my girls pizza one night; and then the next day, make sure their sandwich is made with 100% whole wheat bread and they drink all their almond milk.  

I'm that mom who has her kids say "Yes, ma'am".  

I'm that mom who doesn't let her girls have Disney princess stuff.  I don't want my girls growing up thinking life is like a fairy tale.  It doesn't take a man for their lives to start and they don't need to be rescued all the time.  On top of that, I don't let my kids watch anything containing magic or witchcraft.  Those things are contrary to what I believe as a Christian.  I told you I was that mom.  ;)  

I'm that mom who doesn't do Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny.  I feel strongly that my girls should know what Christmas and Resurrection Sunday are all about, Jesus.  Jesus has done so much for me that anything less than total glory to Him, especially on those two holidays, would be wrong for me.  Don't get me wrong, you can have lots of fun and still celebrate Jesus.  And we do.  :) 

I'm that mom who bribes her toddler with candy to get her to go potty.  

I'm that mom who is extremely consistent with giving "time in" to my children because I want them to know what their boundaries are.  I mean what I say and I say what I mean.  I have my girls apologize when they have done something wrong.  Learning from one's mistakes is important. 

I'm that mom that gives words of praise frequently and thanks them for doing the right thing.

I'm that mom that says we go to church every week unless someone is sick.

We all have to find our parenting style, our way of doing things.  I'm seeing more and more how differently people parent.  As long as the child is healthy and developing properly, most parenting styles are okay. I do have very strong opinions about certain things, but I also realize that my ideas aren't for everyone.  Being a mom is showing me what is important to me and how I want my kids to be raised.

So forgive me if my ways seem a bit odd to you.  I understand if you roll your eyes when you hear me saying or doing something different from you.  I'm still learning, and I will probably change more over time.  For now, though, this is me and how I want to do things.  :)

Heaven, Reality, and Me

Tonight, as I was rocking my baby, it hit me again.  The desire to see these little ones in Heaven one day.  I started bawling at the thought of them not making it.  I feel like God placed them in my home for a reason.  I feel responsible to plant those seeds of faith into their hearts; praying daily that the seeds are planted in good soil.  This world is full of thorns and birds that will snatch away the truths I'm speaking into their lives.  Once they go home, I don't know when they will hear about Jesus again.  I will send with them Bibles, Christian books and videos.  Even if they aren't going to church or to a Christian daycare, I'm hoping bio family will read to them their Bible and seeds will be planted in their hearts too.  My oldest picked up a book today.  I asked her what it was about.  She said it was about Jesus.  :)  When I hear her say things like this, it gives me hope.  Hope that she will remember these truths years from now.  

On another note, the last few days have left me exhausted.  I enjoy being these girl's mom.  However, working and taking care of them is definitely taking its toll on my body.  On a good day, it is taxing to keep both of them happy.  When they are both sick, I feel overwhelmed.  I'm stretched thin.  What I really need is a break.  I'm sure most mothers feel that way.

However, being a foster mom I can't leave the girls with just anyone.  There is a process that has to happen in order for them to be approved by my agency.  It isn't hard.  It does take a little effort though.  This leaves me with limited options for babysitting.  I've missed out on a lot of great things because of the lack of help.  I knew this would happen, but I didn't realize how hard it would be to make plans for anything.  I need time to myself.  I need a weekend a month to do whatever I want.  I'm sure that sounds selfish to a lot of you.  And maybe it is selfish.  I don't feel like I can be the best mom possible to my girls if I continue on as drained as I am.  Honestly, I would love one evening a week to go see friends; and one weekend a month to get out of town.  Maybe I wouldn't need a whole weekend every month if I could get an evening each week.  The point is I'm exhausted.  My girls take every last drop that I have to give.  My love bucket is running low.  I need to be refilled so I have more to give.  I want to continue to be a good mom.  If you would, pray that I would be able to get more babysitters.  

Waiting

Waiting.  I'm pretty sure no one really likes to wait.  It is the source of frustration for most of us. It seems like life is one big "hurry up and wait" scenario.  We work hard to get to different places in our lives only to wait for the next thing.  Sometimes the waiting is just annoying.  Like when you are in the drive thru for 20 minutes at Starbucks and all you want is your Venti Iced Coffee.  Then there are other times when the wait can seem soul crushing.

There is one area for me that waiting is both annoying and soul crushing all at once.  This waiting to get married.  Now before any one begins to give me speeches on the values of waiting for the right person to marry, I KNOW THEM ALREADY.  :)  I give the same speech to people all the time.

I read an article recently, from a Christian perspective mind you, on the topic of singleness.  After I finished reading, I wanted to slap the author silly.  I know that sounds out of my character, but I was so upset by what she said.  She basically said that any female who is still single in her late 20's or early 30's it's their own fault.  She said that we as females got too busy trying to get ahead in our careers and never took our dating seriously enough.  That we could have been married by now if we had really wanted to.  Oh it makes me mad even now just thinking about it!  The truth of the matters is that she was SOOOO far off base!!!  I have never had a long line of men asking me out that I just turned down because I wanted to pursue my career.  Ridiculousness!!!!!  I never wanted a career.  I never wanted to work this long.  I wanted to be a stay at home mom and wife.  In all honesty, I'm single because there have been very few men who I would even consider dating. My standards aren't too high, but I do want a man who is passionate about Jesus.  Unfortunately, that is hard to come by.  Ask any of my single friends.  We will all tell you the same thing.  It is for a lack of single men, our age and Christian, that we are single.

The thing that ticks me off about how people view singleness is that we are told to stop wanting to get married.  Be happy in your singleness, they say.  You don't need a man.  All you need is Jesus.  And yes, I understand from where they are coming.  However, would you ever tell a woman who is waiting to find out if she is pregnant and desperately wants to have a baby that she doesn't need that baby?  Of course not.  Would you ever tell a couple who is waiting to bring their baby home from across the ocean to stop wanting that baby because all they need is Jesus?  Surely not.  Or perhaps would you say to the person waiting to find out the medical test results not to worry about it because they should find joy in all circumstances?  Most definitely not.  Why is it that we are so set on putting single people down for wanting to get married and go into a new phase in life?  Why are we so afraid to let them feel frustrated about the situation?

I realize that marriage does not fix problems.  I'm not saying that at all.  All I'm saying is that perhaps we should treat single people whose very souls are being crushed by the unfulfilled desire a little more gently.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to wait for something for well over a decade?  Give us a break.  Instead of saying, you only need Jesus; maybe give us a hug and say you are sorry that the wait has been so long and hard.  Maybe say a prayer for us to have the grace to deal with the loneliness that comes with being single.

I'm looking forward to the day when the wait will be over.

**Side note**  A little shout out to my friend W. L. whose wait ended today!  Congratulations on bringing your baby boy home from across the ocean!  Love you heaps!!!

Frequently Asked Questions

I thought I would try to answer some of the most asked questions that I get as a foster parent.  I don't mind the questions.  I enjoy educating people on the process and the why of things.  I asked many questions myself before getting here.  :)  Here we go in no particular order....

How long will you have them?
I don't know.  I will never know the answer to that one, unless they are becoming my forever child.  Since the whole point of foster care is reunification, they will be with me until the family has done all that is required of them.  I could have them as little as a month or as long as 18 months.

Why are they in foster care?
I can't really answer that question.  My children's past is private.  There are a plethora of reasons for a child to be removed from their home. My kids are with me for one of those reasons.

What do they call you? or Why do they call you Mommy?
They call me Mom.  Most children in the foster system will call their foster parents mom and dad.  Occasionally, they might call them by their first names but that isn't the norm.  Calling us mom and dad encourages a family feel.  These children need to know that they are a part of a family and the adults in charge are their "for now" parents.  It is also the easiest thing for little tykes to say.  It also creates a united front.  It doesn't separate the bio children from the foster children.  No one is different from the other.  No one is different or sticks out because they are calling you "Ms So and So" and the others are saying mom. They are all family.  Honestly, my children (and I have little ones) have no problems distinguishing between their bio mom and me.  We have conversations daily about their bio family. There is no confusion for them.

Won't it be hard on you when they leave?
YES!  I will cry my eyes out.  I will become a hermit for a few days.  I will eat ice cream.  I will cry.  I will mourn the loss of them.  However, it isn't about me.  It is about them and doing what is best for them.  So if going back to their bio family is the best, then great.  I will give myself time to heal and figure out where to go from there.

So since you are a foster parent and your single, do you even want to get married?  (You would be surprised how many time I have been asked this.)
Yes!  :)  In fact, I'm open to set ups.  ;)

I hope this helps answer some of your questions.  If you have more feel free to ask.

Limitations

Limits.  We all have them.  There are things we are capable of doing and things that we aren't.  For instance, don't ask me to change a tire, cut down a tree, build anything, make a creative craft project, or draw you a picture.  I know I can't do those things, and I'm ok with that.  :)  I know my limits.  I would never try to replace the sink and faucet in my kitchen.  I leave that to the professionals, for the safety of my house.  :)

However, for some reason, I have a hard time acknowledging my limitations as a mother.  I put ridiculously high expectations on myself.  I was requiring more of myself than I would have of any other person in my position.  The house must be kept clean, dishes done, laundry done, work 40 hours, take care of the children by myself, do the shopping, keep up with the maintenance on the house and the car, maintain friendships, go to church, and sleep.  Why would I expect all of that of myself? I was though. And more.  It took a lot for me to realize that hiring someone to help with the cleaning was good and in my best interest.  So I did.  And boy am I happy to have a clean house!

There are other limits, though, that I'm struggling with.  The amount of work that it takes to be a single mom of two foster children is mind boggling at times.  I'm constantly overwhelmed and exhausted.  This last weekend was my birthday.  I took a few days off and left my girls with a wonderful respite family.  The time off reminded me how great it is to have FREEDOM.  I could go anywhere, do anything; and I didn't have to worry about diaper bags, snack time, nap time, runny noses.  It was wonderful.  Then the guilt hit me.  I began to feel guilty for enjoying that freedom, that time away from my girls.  Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE my girls to pieces!!!  They are precious to me.  But this weekend away made me wonder if maybe I'm not cut out to be a single mom.  Maybe, just maybe I'm not as good of a mom as I think I am.  Maybe, these girls would be better off with a married couple instead of a single mom.  Doubt at my abilities and my strengths were at an all time high.  All I could see were my limitations, my short comings.

Then this evening, I went to pick up my beautiful babies.  The mom was telling me how wonderful they did while I was gone.  Shoot, they even slept for her!  A little bit more doubt began to sink in.  But then she said something that brought tears to my eyes.  She said I must be an amazing mom because these girls are so great, you would never be able to tell the background from which they came.  It made me realize that I am doing more right than I think.  I needed to hear that.

I'm still considering my limitations as a single mom.  I'm trying to figure out what my next step will be after my current babies go home.  Do I want to take in 2 children at a time?  Do I want to switch to 1?  Do I want to do just respite care?  Or do I want to put it all on hold until I am married?  I need to be honest with myself and my limits.  Just because I don't feel capable to do it all, doesn't mean I'm a failure.  It means I'm being realistic with what my capabilities truly are.  I have a lot to pray about over the next few months.

Forever Family

One of my friends adopted three beautiful children into their family today.  Those children now have a forever family. My goal is to one day follow in their footsteps and adopt as well.  I'm currently licensed for foster to adopt.  As much as I love my girls, I know they won't be with me forever.  I'm their for now mom, not forever mom.

Even though my heart is full of joy for my friends and their new additions, there is part of me that has a bit of sadness.  The reason for the sadness is because I know the process that has to happen for children to be in the place to need a forever home.  Then I think about how many other children are out there in need of forever families all over the world.  It is an overwhelming thought that brings me to tears.  Too many children have been neglected, abused, and traumatized by events they never should have seen or experienced.

I'm thankful for the many friends that I have who have opened their hearts and homes to children who need love.  I'm thankful that the Church is finally starting to wake up and see the need that has been staring them in the face for ages.  I'm thankful that more and more people are seeing the value in adding to their family via adoption.

I think people forget how powerful adoption is.  Legally, an adopted child has all the same rights and privileges as a bio child.  In many cases, adoption is stronger than blood.  On top of that, we as Christians are adopted as well.  We are adopted into a family that was not our own.  I think God used adoption on purpose.  I think He wanted us to see the power of adoption, to see how lives are changed when we are brought into our FOREVER HOME.  On top of that, Jesus was not raised by His Father.  He had a foster family, if you will.  Joseph and Mary were His "for now" parents.  God was His Forever Father, not Joseph. However, I don't doubt for a minute that Joseph loved Jesus as his own son.

I know I want my children to feel loved by me.  I don't want them to ever think that I would love them more if they were going to be my forever children.  More than that, I want to keep my eyes on the forever that is most important.  Eternity with Jesus.  My heart cries for their salvation.  The desire to be their forever mom is strong.  The desire for them to have a FOREVER HOME with Jesus is even stronger.

Bonding

I've always been good with children.  I started babysitting at 13.  I worked in the church nursery as a teenager.  All the kids I took care of loved me.  It wasn't hard to love them, and they all loved having me be their babysitter.  I didn't think getting children to bond with me would be difficult.

Enter foster children.

Bonding is now work.  It takes effort.  Letting them know they are loved and safe is a daily task.  Due to their situations and circumstances, they don't naturally trust right away.  I get that.  I've been hurt in life too.  Trusting isn't easy at all for me.  I don't have a plethora of friends because I too have issues allowing people into my life.  I get it.

Knowing this causes me to work harder to show them love and safety.  Hugs and kisses are given freely.  Books are read while they are sitting on my lap, not beside me.  Every once in a while, something happens and you know they are beginning to receive that love.  I had such an event just recently.

I arrived at daycare to pick up my little ones.  My 16 month old baby saw me at the door. She RAN across the room smiling and laughing.  She practically fell into the baby gate trying to get to me.  I picked her up and   she laughed her precious laugh.  It made me so happy!  She was showing me in her own little way that she was happy to see me, that she knew love.  I almost cried tears of joy.

When my 2 1/2 year old asks to stay home from daycare not because she is sick but because she wants to be with me, I know she is learning that I love her.  We have conversations almost daily about how much I love her and how smart/precious/beautiful she is.  I can tell those words are sinking into her soul.  She sings songs about Jesus' love because I tell her constantly that He loves her.  She is learning the truth of His love as well.

I want them to feel wanted... to borrow a line from a song.  I think they are slowly getting the fact that they are wanted and loved.  It makes my heart melt.

Progress???

One of the hardest parts about being a foster parent is wondering if you are making any progress with the child/children.  You have to deal with so many emotional and physical issues constantly.  It is hard to tell if they are improving or if they are exactly where they were when they first arrived. My girls have been with me for two months now.  At this point, I'm hoping we are moving away from certain issues that we had the first few weeks.  Things seem to be getting better. Or so I think.  Then we have nights like tonight.  First week issues came up.  I don't know what to make of it.  5 steps forward 4 steps back.  At least we have one step going forward still, right?

I have to remind myself that I'm so close to the situation that I can't always see the progress that is being made.  Maybe we are only 3 steps back.  But when things like tonight happen, it makes me wonder what is going on in their little minds?  What thoughts are being processed or emotions being triggered that are taking them backwards?  How can I help meet those emotional needs?  All I can do is pray for wisdom.

I love these beautiful little girls so much.  I want to help them grow in every aspect of their lives.  I must remember this road is long and requires much patience.  Progress isn't made quickly.  It is made in little baby steps, even smaller than the ones my tiniest one makes.

Accepting Help

Some how, over the last several years, I've become quite independent.  I don't always like it.  I would rather have help.  Or so I think.  When help is offered, it is hard for me to accept it.  Part of me wants to be able to do everything all by myself.  I'm an adult.  I have a job.  I have a wonderful house.  I have two beautiful little girls.  Shouldn't I be able to keep up with all the day to day demands without help?  People have been doing these things for years by themselves.  I'm not the first single parent.  :) 

Last night, I went out to dinner with a sweet friend and her husband.  I met her back in 2004 while volunteering in Thailand at an orphanage.  She is a dear, sweet lady.  She is quite precious really.  Anyway, I was able to tell them about being a foster parent.  I shared some of the ups and downs.  I became quite passionate while talking about being  foster parent.  I really do love being able to help children.  I digress.  Today, they went to church with me and then had lunch at my house with me and the girls.  It was fun.  They were great with the girls, and my girls loved them.  What happened after lunch though is what really moved me.  It started out with them just helping clean up after lunch.  Next thing I know, they were helping clean my house!  I was surprised.  It was an unexpected blessing.  I almost cried.  I know I've not been the best house  keeper since the girls came.  I have more paper clutter than ever before.  I'm not exactly proud of the state of things around the house.  I'm just so busy trying to keep up with the girls that cleaning and organizing hasn't been top priority.  

I didn't ask for help.  They just pitched in because they care about me.  As her husband put it, "We aren't doing this because you are messy.  We are doing this because we can't do what you are doing, but we can help out in this little way."  I almost cried again.  It is harder than it should be for me to accept help.  

Why do we all feel this need to do things on our own?  Why is it so hard and humbling to accept help?  We were never meant to do this life on our own.  God made us to live in community, to have a support system.  We all have different abilities and callings.  As the body of Christ, we are to come together and aide each other in fulfilling these callings.  

I can't be a foster mom on my own.  I want to think that I can.  But I can't plain and simple.  I need to allow myself to accept help whenever it is offered.  It may be humbling, but pride needs to be done away with anyway.  :)