You know you are a foster parent when...

You go to a locked box to get medicine or vitamins. Let's just say I had a hard time remembering to take my vitamins before I was a foster parent.  Now that they are locked up, I'm doing good to take them once a week.

You know you are a foster parent when...
Finding a babysitter requires a back ground check and a letter of reference.

You know you are a foster parent when...
A night without the children feels like a special occasion.

You know you are a foster parent when...
Taking continuing education classes is not only required but looked forward to as time off.

You know you are a foster parent when...
Mother's Day and/or Father's Day isn't just about you.  It is also about the bio family of your children.  When I buy a card for my own parents, I'm getting one for a person I've never met.

You know you are a foster parent when...
A doctor's visit requires a form three pages long to be filled out.

You know you are a foster parent when...
You have to have difficult conversations with little ones about why they aren't with their bio family.  This one will never cease to be hard for me.  No matter whether the child is 10 or 2, they want to know why they can't be with the ones they love.

You know you are a foster parent when...
You have to tell a child who you absolutely love and who loves you back that once they leave you, you will probably never see each other again.

You know you are a foster parent when...
Your social calendar is filled with appointments with case workers and other decision makers and not your friends.

You know you are a foster parent when...
The site of uncovered outlets makes you very nervous, even if children aren't around.

You know you are a foster parent when...
All forms of discipline that you grew up with are not allowed to be used.  Well, maybe not ALL but most.

You know you are a foster parent when...
You find yourself saying bed time prayers with your children and they ask you to pray for their family members whom you have never met.

Timelines and lack of control

I'm like a lot of people.  I prefer knowing what is going to happen next.  Having an idea of what is coming up helps prepare and plan for the future.  However, as a foster parent, I rarely know what is going to happen today much less a few months down the road.  It is a common frustration among the foster parent community, this lack of knowing.  Through this, though, God has been teaching me to surrender my need for control.  It has been a hard lesson to learn.

One of my biggest fears with my first girls was that they would go home with little notice; that I wouldn't get much time to say goodbye.  This is exactly what happened.  It was a rare situation, but it forced me to seek God and trust Him with it all.  I'm seeing this same fear creep up again with my current girls.  I want to know how much longer I have with them.  I don't want to be surprised again.  However, God keeps tapping on my heart and reminding me that needing to know isn't necessary.  I need to rest in Him and trust Him with the perfect timing of when they go or how long they stay.  The timeline is in His hands.

When you are a foster parent, you can have a meeting with the case worker one month and they say that in "x" amount of time they will talk about going home.  Then the next month, they might say well "x, y, and z need to happen first".  It keeps changing.  Right now, I'm in a position where a potential timeline has been discussed as a hypothetical reconciliation date.  My mind immediately began to run a million miles a minute when this was discussed.  Emotions, questions, and fears all raced through me.  I had to remind myself that just because it is being discussed doesn't mean that it will happen.  There are too many variables.  No matter what I'm told, I won't know for sure what is happening until it happens.

Letting go of control and allowing other people to make decisions for my girls is scary.  I pray almost every day for the decision makers in my girl's lives.  Even though my mind and flesh scream at me to try to find some way to take control, I know I can't.  All the internal wrestling in the world won't make any difference.  Only God knows what the future holds.  So I cling tightly to His hand and pray that His will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.   I believe my girls are in my life for a reason and for a season.  I trust that God won't let them stay a day too long or leave too early.  I trust that He will take care of them even when they are out of my sight.  I have to.  If I don't, I will go mad.

Looking Up

The last few weeks have been interesting for me.  Not so much because anything has or has not happened.  It is more because of what has been going on internally.  My dear friend and I have been reading the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan.  We aren't that far along, only chapter 3; but it has been opening my eyes to things I've known but have forgotten.  In addition to this, the past couple of weeks at church have been AMAZING!!

I've been following Jesus since I was a child.  I'm definitely not the perfect example of a devote Christian.  I make mistakes and take my eyes off of Him way more than I would like to admit to.  This book,  Crazy Love, has been reminding me how BIG God is and how small - but significant - I am.  In light of the astounding universe that has been created, I am so small.  Might as well be an ant.  Yet, God finds me significant.  Significant enough to send His Son to die for me, to love me - my flaws and all.  When I pause to think about it, it totally boggles my mind.  If I was God (and aren't you glad I'm not?), I'm not so sure I would send my only child to save people who will continually fail, turn on me, mock me, and say I don't exist.  But He does. He says it is worth it.  The loss.  The sacrifice.  The pain.  We are worth it to Him.  Truly mind boggling.

Right now, I believe I'm doing what God has called me to do, be a mother to the motherless.  Some how in the midst of fulfilling this call, I lost sight of Who He is.  I turned my eyes onto myself, my problems, my issues.  I was trying to do everything on my own.  I was becoming quite miserable honestly.  Yet I couldn't manage to figure out why I was so down and out.  I blamed it on all sorts of things.  Truthfully, though, it was because I was being self-centered instead of God-centered.  I was allowing my problems to balloon instead of keeping them in perspective of how great our God is.   If I truly believe that Jesus loves me, SO many doubts and worries would fade away.  This truth of His love is simplistic, but this jaded heart finds it complex at times.

Then you add in the last few weeks at church... WOW!  Talk about learning to set aside what you want and letting God do His thing!  God has been showing me how many things I put before Him, how many idols I've allowed into my heart.  It is disheartening.  Towards the end of service the last two weeks, a song called "Clear the Stage" has been played.  This song caused me to do some serious crying and soul searching.  It talks about finding the idols in our life and not letting worship be words only.  What have I put before God?  What occupies my mind the most?  Why I have let myself become distracted from the truth of WHO HE IS? The answers aren't so pretty.  Looking into the mirror of your soul isn't always a pretty picture.  Fear, worry, doubt, worry, lack of trust, worry.  See a pattern?  Worry steals from me constantly.  I some how think that it is ok to worry, when in fact it isn't.  Worry is saying God isn't big enough.  Worry has become an idol.

Needless to say, lots of repenting has been happening in my heart the last couple of weeks.  I want to keep my eyes on Him, the Author and Perfecter of my faith.  When I do, the burden becomes lighter and hope springs anew.  I'm thankful that God is God, and I am not.  I'm thankful He loves me enough to show me my flaws and pull me closer to Himself.