I'm like a lot of people. I prefer knowing what is going to happen next. Having an idea of what is coming up helps prepare and plan for the future. However, as a foster parent, I rarely know what is going to happen today much less a few months down the road. It is a common frustration among the foster parent community, this lack of knowing. Through this, though, God has been teaching me to surrender my need for control. It has been a hard lesson to learn.
One of my biggest fears with my first girls was that they would go home with little notice; that I wouldn't get much time to say goodbye. This is exactly what happened. It was a rare situation, but it forced me to seek God and trust Him with it all. I'm seeing this same fear creep up again with my current girls. I want to know how much longer I have with them. I don't want to be surprised again. However, God keeps tapping on my heart and reminding me that needing to know isn't necessary. I need to rest in Him and trust Him with the perfect timing of when they go or how long they stay. The timeline is in His hands.
When you are a foster parent, you can have a meeting with the case worker one month and they say that in "x" amount of time they will talk about going home. Then the next month, they might say well "x, y, and z need to happen first". It keeps changing. Right now, I'm in a position where a potential timeline has been discussed as a hypothetical reconciliation date. My mind immediately began to run a million miles a minute when this was discussed. Emotions, questions, and fears all raced through me. I had to remind myself that just because it is being discussed doesn't mean that it will happen. There are too many variables. No matter what I'm told, I won't know for sure what is happening until it happens.
Letting go of control and allowing other people to make decisions for my girls is scary. I pray almost every day for the decision makers in my girl's lives. Even though my mind and flesh scream at me to try to find some way to take control, I know I can't. All the internal wrestling in the world won't make any difference. Only God knows what the future holds. So I cling tightly to His hand and pray that His will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. I believe my girls are in my life for a reason and for a season. I trust that God won't let them stay a day too long or leave too early. I trust that He will take care of them even when they are out of my sight. I have to. If I don't, I will go mad.
I was watching an interview on TV with a woman whose mother has stage four cancer. She said she sometimes has to remind herself that the funeral isn't today and that the sadness can wait. Right now is the time to make memories and to not miss a moment of precious time on anything that will taint it.
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