I was searching through my old blog posts. I was almost certain that I have written about this before, but maybe not. After all, writing this would make me exposed and vulnerable. So here we go....
Father's Day.... Those two words bring many emotions and thoughts. Today, I want to share about this holiday from the perspective of a single mom of two adopted kids.
I've said it more than once, I never anticipated being a single mom for this long. I figured marriage would happen before I adopted. It didn't. Now I find myself with two amazing children who have biological dads that they can't have a relationship with. In essence, they don't really have a dad. Those words take my breath away and crush my heart. It hurts me to hear them ask why they don't have a dad. My precious son asked his grandpa if he could be his dad too. I want desperately for my kids to have an earthly father that they can have a relationship with.
Then Father's Day comes around. Crafts are made at daycare and at church for a dad. The lack of a father is dredged back up again. More questions are asked. I cry some more over the gap I cannot fill. The ache in my heart gets deeper.
Honestly, it is hard to write about this. I'm struggling to find the words because the emotions are so big.
When my youngest sister got married recently, as I watched my dad walk her down the aisle, a thought came to my mind. "What if I never marry? What if Violet never gets a dad? Then she won't have a dad to give her away when she gets married!" My soul grieved at this thought. Sure, I could walk her down the aisle, but it isn't the same as a father.
My kids have lost so much already. I don't want them to miss out on more. Our pastor on Sunday talked about how no matter how good of an earthly father you have, there will be gaps that can only be filled by God. I needed that reminder because there is a giant hole in our family. It glares at me with every Father's Day commercial. I wish the knowledge that God fills the gaps was enough to bring peace to me. It should be. Instead tears continue to stream down my face as my heart screams "it isn't fair to them God! It isn't fair to them! They deserve an amazing earthly dad too!"
The lack of a husband for me and a dad for my kids is not something I can fix simply. So I hold my kids close to me and whisper to them how much I love them, that they have many people in their lives that love and care about them. I remind them that they aren't the only children without a dad. I tell them that God is our Father too.
We have a children's book based upon the song "Good, Good Father" by Chris Tomlin. It talks about what a good father is like. One of the lines says something along the lines of "He plans with the very best in mind". I am holding out hope that God is still planning things out for my family with the very best in mind. I am hoping that will mean a dad for my kids. Then maybe one day, this holiday called Father's Day, won't be so hard for us.
Thursday, June 13, 2019
Tuesday, June 4, 2019
Shift in Perspective
When I entered into the foster care and adoption world, I mainly wanted to adopt. I became a foster parent because the need was great, but my motive was to adopt. During trainings, they would tell you the goal of foster care is reunification which is right and good. However, my heart didn't hear that. It made the process harder for me, I think. The waiting was more painful. Now, when I talk to people who want to adopt from foster care, I remind them that isn't the goal. The goal is reunification. (However, adoption may be the goal for many kids in care whose parent's rights have already been terminated. That is a different situation altogether.)
I have learned a lot over the years. My perspectives have changed. I am continually learning and growing when it comes to adoption in general. I follow people who may have different view points so I can gain understanding. I listen to adult adoptees because their voice matters. I am thankful we have so many avenues to learn and grow as an adoptive parent.
There are some voices out there though that are getting louder in the foster care and adoption community. They are angry. (I'm still trying to figure out the why behind the anger.) They believe adoptions should be rare. They think that wanting to adopt is terrible because that means you are wanting an original family to fail. I've read statements saying to truly help children, we need to keep families together. Or all adoptees should ask what we as adoptive parents did to help their bio mom and dad? In theory, they aren't wrong. Yes, children should remain with their biological family AS LONG AS THEY ARE SAFE. That is the caveat.
We can come along side families and help them all day long. Some will accept the help, grow, change, and thrive!! Others will refuse help, deny any problems, and continue on their path. We cannot make an absolute statement that adoptions should never happen, or children should never be removed from their first family. That isn't realistic. Those who adopt should not be shamed for doing so.
I have seen many situations where the system was adamant about keeping the family unit together at all cost, even to the detriment of the children. Kids have died or been put into life threatening situations because of the push to keep families together, regardless of safety. This isn't okay. Families should offer safety and protection. If they cannot do that, then it is fine for others to step in and help those children. It is good even. I would go even as far as to say it is Godly to do so. (Whatever you do for the least of these, you do unto Me.)
Are there ethical issues that need to be dealt with in regards to adoption? OH MY YES!!! Especially with private domestic adoptions. I'm not denying that there are problems. I'm not saying we shouldn't encourage birth moms to raise their own children. I'm saying, if and when others are no longer able to take care of their child, there are families with open arms who will help.
I freely admit that my perspective was skewed when I entered into foster care. Like I said, I am learning. However, I don't think the desire to adopt is wrong. I never once prayed for a family to fail. I prayed for God's will. I prayed that if the biological family wasn't going to be a safe place that intervention would happen. I am aware that because my kids are no longer with bio family that trauma has occurred. And it wrecks me! I am not happy that their union was severed. I am not gleeful over the fact that my kids will forever wonder about their roots. Yet, I am happy that my home was open for them when they needed a place to be kept safe.
Why am I bringing all of this up? I believe that if you are interested in fostering or adopting, you need to do your research. Find an ethical agency to work with. Ask questions. Learn as much as you can. Check your own heart motives. Pray. Pray. Pray. If the Lord is leading you into this, He will direct you.
I am reminded that my two beautiful children that are mine via adoption, aren't truly mine. They belong to God. I am just doing the best I can with the beautiful gift He has given. (All children are a gift from God.)
I have learned a lot over the years. My perspectives have changed. I am continually learning and growing when it comes to adoption in general. I follow people who may have different view points so I can gain understanding. I listen to adult adoptees because their voice matters. I am thankful we have so many avenues to learn and grow as an adoptive parent.
There are some voices out there though that are getting louder in the foster care and adoption community. They are angry. (I'm still trying to figure out the why behind the anger.) They believe adoptions should be rare. They think that wanting to adopt is terrible because that means you are wanting an original family to fail. I've read statements saying to truly help children, we need to keep families together. Or all adoptees should ask what we as adoptive parents did to help their bio mom and dad? In theory, they aren't wrong. Yes, children should remain with their biological family AS LONG AS THEY ARE SAFE. That is the caveat.
We can come along side families and help them all day long. Some will accept the help, grow, change, and thrive!! Others will refuse help, deny any problems, and continue on their path. We cannot make an absolute statement that adoptions should never happen, or children should never be removed from their first family. That isn't realistic. Those who adopt should not be shamed for doing so.
I have seen many situations where the system was adamant about keeping the family unit together at all cost, even to the detriment of the children. Kids have died or been put into life threatening situations because of the push to keep families together, regardless of safety. This isn't okay. Families should offer safety and protection. If they cannot do that, then it is fine for others to step in and help those children. It is good even. I would go even as far as to say it is Godly to do so. (Whatever you do for the least of these, you do unto Me.)
Are there ethical issues that need to be dealt with in regards to adoption? OH MY YES!!! Especially with private domestic adoptions. I'm not denying that there are problems. I'm not saying we shouldn't encourage birth moms to raise their own children. I'm saying, if and when others are no longer able to take care of their child, there are families with open arms who will help.
I freely admit that my perspective was skewed when I entered into foster care. Like I said, I am learning. However, I don't think the desire to adopt is wrong. I never once prayed for a family to fail. I prayed for God's will. I prayed that if the biological family wasn't going to be a safe place that intervention would happen. I am aware that because my kids are no longer with bio family that trauma has occurred. And it wrecks me! I am not happy that their union was severed. I am not gleeful over the fact that my kids will forever wonder about their roots. Yet, I am happy that my home was open for them when they needed a place to be kept safe.
Why am I bringing all of this up? I believe that if you are interested in fostering or adopting, you need to do your research. Find an ethical agency to work with. Ask questions. Learn as much as you can. Check your own heart motives. Pray. Pray. Pray. If the Lord is leading you into this, He will direct you.
I am reminded that my two beautiful children that are mine via adoption, aren't truly mine. They belong to God. I am just doing the best I can with the beautiful gift He has given. (All children are a gift from God.)
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