They say the definition of "insanity" is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. That is kind of how I feel about the foster care system. It is insane! They keep doing the same things expecting different out comes. Even though Texas is in the midst of a "redesign", it won't change the essence of the system or it's main problems.
Truth be told, I feel insane at times for being a foster parent. One has to be off their rocker a little, I think, to do this. :) I keep letting children into my home and my heart, hoping that one of them will be forever mine. It doesn't seem to be working. Hence the insanity.
Just five weeks ago, I opened my home to a beautiful baby girl. And by baby, I mean baby. She was 8 weeks old!! Baby Cakes quickly stole my heart. I have never had a baby before. It was completely different from toddlers. And I loved every minute of it! Ok, maybe I didn't enjoy the screaming fits due to gas troubles; but for the most part, it was fun! I know most moms don't describe having a newborn as fun, but I do! From the beginning, we weren't certain what would happen with her case. The likely hood of her being with me for a while was high. Within three days of having her, I was completely in love. I realized this as I was sitting on my couch at home that one evening. I burst into tears. I knew that she wouldn't be with me forever. Don't ask me how I knew, but I knew. I sobbed as I talked to God about this. I think the hardest part was that everyone said she looked like she could be my biological child. I've always wanted a little one that looks like me. I had hopes that she would be mine forever and my dream would come true. However, a couple of weeks ago, I found out that a distant relative stepped up and wanted to give Baby Cakes a home. They passed the homestudy. Then last week, I found out that today would be Baby Cake's last day with me. I cried when CPS told me. I'm sure they thought I was crazy. I've only had her for 5 weeks, but it only took a few days for me to love her. And I cried again when they came to pick her up this afternoon. The typical questions about her safety, transition, health, security run through my mind.
I've now had 5 children in my home. Every single one of them has a special place in my heart. Every one of them is thought about and prayed over frequently. Every one would be welcomed back into my home. I can't help but wonder will the next one be my forever child? Should I keep on doing this? I realize that I ask myself these questions every time. I almost have to talk myself into doing it again. The pain in my heart is real and deep. I'm not sure if I can handle the insanity of another child coming and going. Then I think about the last 5 weeks with Baby Cakes. I wouldn't trade that time with her for anything. Her time with me was short. She will never remember me. But her name is written on my heart. I will never forget her.
So even though the system is insane, I will try to keep my whits about me as I wait for another little one to love. I'm thankful that I have friends who believe in me and what I'm doing. I'm thankful that I have a church that wants to serve the modern day orphans. I'm thankful that God's love is limitless. I'm hoping my love for children will be limitless too.
In some ways, if you think about it, God is a bit insane too. He keeps loving us unconditionally, hoping we will serve Him and love Him. He never stops pursuing us. Even when we think we know what is best and do our own thing, He is there waiting with open arms. And He does this over and over and over again. Now that is a type of insanity I can get behind! :) I'm incredibly thankful for His love and His faithfulness. Because I know if He loves me that much, He loves the little ones He sends me even more.
If you would, please be praying for Baby Cakes. I am hoping for a smooth transition for her. Also, pray for me. I want to continue to do this as long as God wants me to. I need the mental and emotional strength to do it.
