I haven't written in a long time. Mainly because I'm not certain people want to read what I write. Also, this child's situation is so close to my heart... it is hard to share about it. But I thought I would let you in on something that is difficult for me every week....
Visit Days...
One day a week CPS has a scheduled time for Little Man to visit with his biological parents. The hard part is we never know if they are really going to show or not. They have been inconsistent. The caseworker has tried to put up safeguards to keep Little Man from being picked up needlessly. It has helped. However, every week, I wonder will this be the day they show? Will it be cancelled again? If they do show, how will Little Man respond? Will it upset him or will he be happy? Will he get his nap in? Will he be fed?
When I know for sure that Little Man will see his biological family, I have a hard time focusing on anything else. My heart, mind, and prayers are all tangled together and focused on him. Knowing he is away from his safe and secure daycare and away from me, leaves me feeling vulnerable and exposed. It is as if my heart is walking around outside of my body. I can't really think about anything else until I know he is back at daycare. Then on those nights, I make sure he gets extra hugs and snuggles from me. I want him to know he is safe.
It is very confusing to children, especially those under 2. They don't understand what is going on at all. They aren't able to cognitively explain what they are feeling. Usually on the nights where he has seen his bio family earlier in the day, he is more clingy and fussy. He doesn't fall asleep quickly. So I hold him longer. I rock him until he falls asleep. I whisper how much he is loved into his ears. I pray that his heart will experience healing. I want him to feel secure with me.
He is a precious little guy. I want the best for him. I want to see him grow up to be a man of God who is a light in this dark world. I want his heart to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit. I want him to use his strength to help those who are weak. I believe that God has a calling on his life. I want to see that fulfilled. But not my will... May God's will be done.
