Limitations

Limits.  We all have them.  There are things we are capable of doing and things that we aren't.  For instance, don't ask me to change a tire, cut down a tree, build anything, make a creative craft project, or draw you a picture.  I know I can't do those things, and I'm ok with that.  :)  I know my limits.  I would never try to replace the sink and faucet in my kitchen.  I leave that to the professionals, for the safety of my house.  :)

However, for some reason, I have a hard time acknowledging my limitations as a mother.  I put ridiculously high expectations on myself.  I was requiring more of myself than I would have of any other person in my position.  The house must be kept clean, dishes done, laundry done, work 40 hours, take care of the children by myself, do the shopping, keep up with the maintenance on the house and the car, maintain friendships, go to church, and sleep.  Why would I expect all of that of myself? I was though. And more.  It took a lot for me to realize that hiring someone to help with the cleaning was good and in my best interest.  So I did.  And boy am I happy to have a clean house!

There are other limits, though, that I'm struggling with.  The amount of work that it takes to be a single mom of two foster children is mind boggling at times.  I'm constantly overwhelmed and exhausted.  This last weekend was my birthday.  I took a few days off and left my girls with a wonderful respite family.  The time off reminded me how great it is to have FREEDOM.  I could go anywhere, do anything; and I didn't have to worry about diaper bags, snack time, nap time, runny noses.  It was wonderful.  Then the guilt hit me.  I began to feel guilty for enjoying that freedom, that time away from my girls.  Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE my girls to pieces!!!  They are precious to me.  But this weekend away made me wonder if maybe I'm not cut out to be a single mom.  Maybe, just maybe I'm not as good of a mom as I think I am.  Maybe, these girls would be better off with a married couple instead of a single mom.  Doubt at my abilities and my strengths were at an all time high.  All I could see were my limitations, my short comings.

Then this evening, I went to pick up my beautiful babies.  The mom was telling me how wonderful they did while I was gone.  Shoot, they even slept for her!  A little bit more doubt began to sink in.  But then she said something that brought tears to my eyes.  She said I must be an amazing mom because these girls are so great, you would never be able to tell the background from which they came.  It made me realize that I am doing more right than I think.  I needed to hear that.

I'm still considering my limitations as a single mom.  I'm trying to figure out what my next step will be after my current babies go home.  Do I want to take in 2 children at a time?  Do I want to switch to 1?  Do I want to do just respite care?  Or do I want to put it all on hold until I am married?  I need to be honest with myself and my limits.  Just because I don't feel capable to do it all, doesn't mean I'm a failure.  It means I'm being realistic with what my capabilities truly are.  I have a lot to pray about over the next few months.