It has been an interesting time this last week. I received information that I was expecting, and yet it still came as a shock to me. My girl's case has been closed early due to "lack of evidence" to continue an investigation. Too bad I know that they have evidence. Unfortunately, they decided not to pursue the information that was given to them. They don't seem to care. And by "they" I mean CPS. When I became a foster parent, I wasn't expecting CPS to be so inept. If they get too many cases, they seem to try to get rid of the ones they've had the longest regardless of the situation. What this means for my girls is that CPS will no longer be checking on them. The case is closed.
I've mentioned previously that I have had contact with the girls. However, about a month ago, all communication stopped. It was suddenly and out of the blue. I've asked the bio family if I could say goodbye to them, but they never responded to my request. Not being able to say goodbye has been really hard for me. I told the girls during our last conversation that they would see me again, and we would talk again. I didn't realize that I was lying to them. My heart desperately hopes that they don't feel abandoned by me. I think about them constantly and pray for them daily.
With the arrival of the news about the case being closed and the lack of communication with my girls, my emotions have been all over the place. Numerous tears have been shed. I've been mourning their leaving all over again. In the midst of my deepest pain, God has shown Himself to me repeatedly. He has whispered to my heart words that I needed to hear. He has been healing my heart. It hasn't been an easy process. There are a plethora of questions that my heart and mind have been wrestling with. Questions, that this side of Heaven, I will probably never know the answer to them. God has been reminding me though that He sees the big picture. His arms aren't too short to still work in their lives. He reminded me that just as He calls me His daughter, He is their Father too. He loves them more than I do. He will not abandon them. God will continue to place people in their lives to water the seeds that have been planted. I believe that one day, they will know Jesus personally. I have to believe that.
Over the last month, God has been trying to prepare me for another child. Truthfully, I haven't really wanted to hear that. My heart wants my girls. However, that isn't possible any more. I have to move forward. I could quit being a foster parent altogether. Life would be easier that way. But I can't quit. At least not yet. I have to be obedient to what He is asking of me. This means that on Monday, the 21st, I will go back on the waiting list with my agency. Part of me is excited and ready for a new little one. Then there is the hurting side of me that is nervous to love and possibly let go again. In so many ways, my heart is still raw from this experience. Despite how I feel, I'm moving forward in obedience. I know that any child that is placed with me I will fall in love with quickly. I love children after all. :)
If you would, please pray for me as I enter into this next season. I want to say yes to the right child at the right time. I have requested to be switched to one child only, under a year of age. Guess this means it is time to take out my girls' car seats and put in an infant carrier. :)
