Wow! So much has happened in the last two weeks! I am still trying to process it all. Last week was super emotional. I received Little One's CPS file. There wasn't a bunch of new information. However, I did learn some about her biological family history. It will definitely be helpful later. The emotions in me were high though. It took several days for me to realize why I was so sad. Then it hit me that I was grieving. Grieving the loss my Little One had already experienced. Grieving for the bio family that will never know this amazing little girl. Grieving for the bio mom who chose life but was unable to take care of the baby. My heart was heavy. It led me to pray for the bio family. I hope and pray that they will come to have a personal relationship with Jesus.
Then Sunday came. Some friends gave me and Little One a beautiful baby shower! I was beyond blessed by those who came. My heart was bursting! I have been on this journey for so long. Many times, I felt alone. I often wondered if people thought I was crazy. I didn't know how many people were cheering me on from the sidelines. I am thankful for the friends and family that have believed in me and prayed for me. This shower was a celebration of a dream come true! It sparked in me joy and excitement for the upcoming adoption.
Wednesday, adoption day, started super early for me with a 5 AM wake up call! I had all this nervous energy inside of me. I kept repeating what I needed to do to keep myself focused. I didn't want to be late to the courthouse. We had to be there at 8 AM, and it was in Dallas. Which, if you know where I live, you know that this is the beginning of traffic time. Even with a little traffic and taking some back roads, we made it with a few minutes to spare.
My lawyer (who gave us the 8 AM arrival time) didn't show up until 8:35. Babies don't do well when they have to be contained for long periods of time. They want to crawl and play. I had a couple of friends come to the courthouse that morning, and some of them had children. They all did really great considering the circumstances. Anyway, the lawyer went over some paperwork with me. I was kicking my myself afterwards. I wish I had someone taking pics of me signing the adoption papers! Note to anyone about to adopt: take pictures of every little thing! It goes so fast!
When we finally made it before the judge, the lawyer asked me some questions. I was good for most of them.... That is until he asked me "And today you are requesting the courts to change her name to Violet Dawn Sweet?" Cue the waterworks. My not so pretty cry face popped up. My voice cracked as I responded with "Yes". I'm not sure what all was asked of me. I said yes to everything as I cried. (Sorry internet. No pictures of me crying) It was literally all over in 3 minutes. That was all it took for her to become mine! Craziness! It was so solemn and quiet. There was no clapping or cheering at the end. It was "ok next case". So rushed. Then we go back into the hallway to wait some more for the lawyer. I had to get my copy of the court report so I have documentation that she is mine until the birth certificate comes in the mail.
My dad cried during the court proceedings. He loves my baby so. My mom said she felt that morning like she was going to the hospital to witness the birth of a grandchild. Well, it may not have been a physical birth; but it was definitely the beginning of a new family. I love how much my family loves my baby. It blesses my heart so.
Now, she is my legal daughter forever and ever. No more wondering if she is going to leave. I kept saying over and over yesterday "I don't have to say goodbye to her. She isn't going to leave." As a foster parent, the fear of a child leaving that you don't want to leave is very real. But that isn't going to happen with her. I get to be her mommy. She gets to be my baby. And what joy that brings my heart!!! This huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. My heart is happy!
Thank you all for walking this journey with me! Thank you for your love and support! I will continue to blog. There are still things on my heart to share. I am thankful that God has entrusted me with the most amazing gift ever! I love being her mom!
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Thursday, October 15, 2015
The News We've All Been Waiting For
Remember how I posted earlier this month that we finally had some momentum on the adoption process? Well, I am not sure what happened. I got a text message from my case manager at my agency asking me a question. The next thing I know things were out of control. Information was flying. Dates were being talked about. It was a whirlwind. I didn't know what to think.
It all started with my case manager asking me if I could do the adoption presentation next Friday, the 23rd. I was like yes of course! This is a giant step! This is were they (CPS) formally ask me if I want to adopt Little One. I will be given her CPS file next week. They want me to read it all before making a decision. I'm sure that there is nothing in there that would make me change my mind. However, it is part of the process. After they ask me if I want to adopt her, I have to wait 24 hours to give an answer. I have had her over 9 months. I have 100% peace about adopting her. She is mine! :)
After we set up the adoption presentation, I called my lawyer to give them this information. They then said ok let's set the adoption date! Since this is a Dallas County case, Tuesdays and Wednesdays are when they do adoptions. They said the soonest we could do it was Wednesday, October 28. I stopped breathing for a second. That is soooo soon! The next available day was November 4. I looked at my work calendar. That would not be a good day for me to either take a half day or a whole day off. So October 28 it is! Wednesday, October 28, 2015 Little One will become a Sweet!! Typing that sentence made me cry. What a beautiful sentence! October will become my favorite month!
So get this. The court house where the adoption is happening is the same exact place where a year and a half ago I was told my two precious girls were going back to bio mom. That I wasn't going to get to adopt them. I was crushed. I was sobbing uncontrollably that day. My dream for them, for us, was crushed. I wasn't sure if I would ever get to adopt any child. It seemed so hopeless. But God is redeeming that place and that time. For in that same building, I will adopt a beautiful baby girl who has forever changed my life. As much as I miss those two girls and still wish that they were in my life, I know that if I adopted them, I would never have met Little One.
There is a little bit of nervousness about the future. Mainly how in the world am I going to afford daycare? Seriously, it is crazy expensive! God told me He has a plan. So I am trusting Him to provide however He sees fit. I do hope He fills me in on the plan soon though. Because in 2 weeks I am adopting!!!!!!!!!!!! Party time people!!!
It all started with my case manager asking me if I could do the adoption presentation next Friday, the 23rd. I was like yes of course! This is a giant step! This is were they (CPS) formally ask me if I want to adopt Little One. I will be given her CPS file next week. They want me to read it all before making a decision. I'm sure that there is nothing in there that would make me change my mind. However, it is part of the process. After they ask me if I want to adopt her, I have to wait 24 hours to give an answer. I have had her over 9 months. I have 100% peace about adopting her. She is mine! :)
After we set up the adoption presentation, I called my lawyer to give them this information. They then said ok let's set the adoption date! Since this is a Dallas County case, Tuesdays and Wednesdays are when they do adoptions. They said the soonest we could do it was Wednesday, October 28. I stopped breathing for a second. That is soooo soon! The next available day was November 4. I looked at my work calendar. That would not be a good day for me to either take a half day or a whole day off. So October 28 it is! Wednesday, October 28, 2015 Little One will become a Sweet!! Typing that sentence made me cry. What a beautiful sentence! October will become my favorite month!
So get this. The court house where the adoption is happening is the same exact place where a year and a half ago I was told my two precious girls were going back to bio mom. That I wasn't going to get to adopt them. I was crushed. I was sobbing uncontrollably that day. My dream for them, for us, was crushed. I wasn't sure if I would ever get to adopt any child. It seemed so hopeless. But God is redeeming that place and that time. For in that same building, I will adopt a beautiful baby girl who has forever changed my life. As much as I miss those two girls and still wish that they were in my life, I know that if I adopted them, I would never have met Little One.
There is a little bit of nervousness about the future. Mainly how in the world am I going to afford daycare? Seriously, it is crazy expensive! God told me He has a plan. So I am trusting Him to provide however He sees fit. I do hope He fills me in on the plan soon though. Because in 2 weeks I am adopting!!!!!!!!!!!! Party time people!!!
Friday, October 9, 2015
What's In A Name?
When a child is born, usually the parents take a lot of time to figure out the perfect name for their baby. I've heard stories from my friends of some arguments over picking a name, making lists, and many a veto from the spouse before coming to an agreement. When you adopt, you are given an option to rename your child. Some choose to keep the name and others may change it altogether. Occasionally, the adoptive parent might pick a part of the original name to keep in honor of the bio family. I went back and forth over what to do. I really liked the middle name her bio mom gave her. I also knew it was a biological family name. I was seriously considering using it. However, one day in prayer, long before I knew she would be mine, I heard God say not to keep any part of her original name. She needed no ties to her past. It was very clear. I was like Ok then, I will find another middle name. (This was just for me. I am in no way saying that other families shouldn't keep part of the original name.)
I thought about it and prayed about it. I wanted a name that I loved and had either a great meaning or beautiful imagery to it. I've had a list of names that I've loved for years. A couple of my favorite names I didn't feel like I could use because I had already designated them to my two girls that I thought I would get to adopt. Those names belonged to them. I couldn't use them for anyone else. That ruled out the names Jane Maree and Desiree Anne. I didn't want to use any names that were my siblings or niece and nephews. That omitted quite a few right there. :) I kept coming back to this one name. I just loved it! It didn't have a super special meaning. It was simply beautiful. I wanted to combine it with a name that did have some sort of significance. I prayed about it. I tried it out on her a few times. It seemed to fit her.
So her new name will be...............
VIOLET DAWN SWEET
Isn't a beautiful name? I LOVE it!!! As I looked into the name Violet, I discovered a few interesting things. In Europe during the 1600's, the violet flower was considered to be the flower of modesty because the petals hide its insides. I really liked that. I want my daughter to grow up to be modest in a world filled with exploitation. This flower is also known to represent spring time. When the violet blooms, it is a sign that the seasons have changed. Now, that is some powerful imagery right there!! The adoption will be the beginning of a new season for her life. The old is gone! The new has come! Now, Dawn has an obvious meaning. It is the start of a new day. (Sensing a theme yet?) We will have a fresh start with this adoption. She will have the opportunity to live a different life than her bio family's. So when I call out "Violet Dawn", I am speaking over her a chance for fresh start.
God had blessed me greatly with this beautiful little girl! I wish I could post a picture of her! However, I can't until the adoption is finalized.
I will still probably refer to her as Little One on social media until the adoption is completed. If you happen to run into us somewhere, feel free to call her Violet. She knows that is her name. She will also answer to "baby". Guess I call her that frequently too. lol
Thank you all for being part of my journey. It isn't over yet. I am curious to see what happens next.
I thought about it and prayed about it. I wanted a name that I loved and had either a great meaning or beautiful imagery to it. I've had a list of names that I've loved for years. A couple of my favorite names I didn't feel like I could use because I had already designated them to my two girls that I thought I would get to adopt. Those names belonged to them. I couldn't use them for anyone else. That ruled out the names Jane Maree and Desiree Anne. I didn't want to use any names that were my siblings or niece and nephews. That omitted quite a few right there. :) I kept coming back to this one name. I just loved it! It didn't have a super special meaning. It was simply beautiful. I wanted to combine it with a name that did have some sort of significance. I prayed about it. I tried it out on her a few times. It seemed to fit her.
So her new name will be...............
VIOLET DAWN SWEET
Isn't a beautiful name? I LOVE it!!! As I looked into the name Violet, I discovered a few interesting things. In Europe during the 1600's, the violet flower was considered to be the flower of modesty because the petals hide its insides. I really liked that. I want my daughter to grow up to be modest in a world filled with exploitation. This flower is also known to represent spring time. When the violet blooms, it is a sign that the seasons have changed. Now, that is some powerful imagery right there!! The adoption will be the beginning of a new season for her life. The old is gone! The new has come! Now, Dawn has an obvious meaning. It is the start of a new day. (Sensing a theme yet?) We will have a fresh start with this adoption. She will have the opportunity to live a different life than her bio family's. So when I call out "Violet Dawn", I am speaking over her a chance for fresh start.
God had blessed me greatly with this beautiful little girl! I wish I could post a picture of her! However, I can't until the adoption is finalized.
I will still probably refer to her as Little One on social media until the adoption is completed. If you happen to run into us somewhere, feel free to call her Violet. She knows that is her name. She will also answer to "baby". Guess I call her that frequently too. lol
Thank you all for being part of my journey. It isn't over yet. I am curious to see what happens next.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
A Mini Adoption update
Over the weekend, I was praying and talking to God about this crazy adoption process. It was more venting and complaining then anything else. I heard the Holy Spirit whisper to me that I wasn't really praying about the situation, I was complaining. This convicted me to the core. I began to seriously pray and ask God to move on our behalf, that things would begin to happen and fall into place. I did some spiritual warfare. After a few minutes, I felt a peace settle in my heart.
Our case has been at a stand still for a while. I've been so frustrated and disappointed! I had every reason to hope and believe that Little One would be legally mine by now. Yesterday, I got a call from the GAL. She was frustrated too. Apparently, our case, as well as several others, fell through the cracks. To get things going, she had to go over several people's head at CPS all the way to the Program Director. (I didn't even know this title existed!) We discussed several things. At the end of the call she told me she is going to push them to have our case finalized by the end of November! However, she doesn't anticipate it actually happening this quickly. She just wants them to have a fire under them. This gives me a glimmer of hope that Little One might be a Sweet by the end of the year!
I am trying to remember if I mentioned the delay on retrieving the birth certificate. Did I tell you that? Anyway, I had been told that Texas was behind in getting original birth certificates for adoption by 3-6 months. I was anticipating that we would probably be into next year before we finalized everything due to this complication. Then today I had an email in my inbox from my CASA worker telling me that CPS has Little One's original birth certificate!!!!! Hallelujah! Now, they can get her SSN and be one step closer to getting her case closed altogether.
I still am not sure when we will have our adoption court date. It would be so wonderful if it happened before her first birthday in December. However, I know it will happen at some point in time. :) I've learned though that it is fine to talk to God about how I am feeling, but when it comes down to it I need to be more intentional with my prayer life. God can and will move on our behalf. I've seen that first hand this week. I am so thankful that God heard my prayers and things are happening!
Our case has been at a stand still for a while. I've been so frustrated and disappointed! I had every reason to hope and believe that Little One would be legally mine by now. Yesterday, I got a call from the GAL. She was frustrated too. Apparently, our case, as well as several others, fell through the cracks. To get things going, she had to go over several people's head at CPS all the way to the Program Director. (I didn't even know this title existed!) We discussed several things. At the end of the call she told me she is going to push them to have our case finalized by the end of November! However, she doesn't anticipate it actually happening this quickly. She just wants them to have a fire under them. This gives me a glimmer of hope that Little One might be a Sweet by the end of the year!
I am trying to remember if I mentioned the delay on retrieving the birth certificate. Did I tell you that? Anyway, I had been told that Texas was behind in getting original birth certificates for adoption by 3-6 months. I was anticipating that we would probably be into next year before we finalized everything due to this complication. Then today I had an email in my inbox from my CASA worker telling me that CPS has Little One's original birth certificate!!!!! Hallelujah! Now, they can get her SSN and be one step closer to getting her case closed altogether.
I still am not sure when we will have our adoption court date. It would be so wonderful if it happened before her first birthday in December. However, I know it will happen at some point in time. :) I've learned though that it is fine to talk to God about how I am feeling, but when it comes down to it I need to be more intentional with my prayer life. God can and will move on our behalf. I've seen that first hand this week. I am so thankful that God heard my prayers and things are happening!
Saturday, September 5, 2015
Sermons, Forgiveness, and Foster Care
Last Sunday, my pastor preached a sermon I've heard before. When you've been going to church for a few decades every single Sunday, some sermons begin to sound similar. However, there was a twist to it. He was talking about the importance of forgiveness. Part of me started to tune him out. I've heard dozens of sermons on forgiveness. I know that while Jesus was on the cross He asked that God would forgive those who were hurting Him. I knew that in my head, but I never thought about the cost of those words. My pastor pointed out the physical effort and pain it took Jesus to utter those words. If Jesus, in the midst of the worst pain ever imaginable barely even able to breathe, can forgive those who are killing Him, how can I not forgive others? He literally had to cause Himself pain to take in oxygen. He used His last moments on those who hated Him. Wow! I never really thought of forgiveness in that light before.
We were going to take communion in that service. As I was pausing to search my heart before taking the elements, I knew I couldn't take part at that time. Flashes of people's name and faces were going across my mind. People I needed to forgive. Honestly, there was a part of me that didn't want to forgive. I wrestled with what God was asking me. You see God was asking me to forgive the bio parents of my foster kids. Forgive them for neglecting, hurting, or putting children in harms way. Then the CPS workers who have failed the children went through my mind. And God said to forgive them too. Tears were pouring down my face. I couldn't carry this burden any more. I had to forgive them.
Then I had a week like this last one. All the anger and rage at the failing foster care system came roaring back to life. You see, a dear friend of mine who is also a foster parent, had some pretty wretched things happen this week. Things that I can't share because it isn't my story to tell. But still, I was feeling all the feelings for her. I wanted to scream at the decision makers who were being ridiculous. I wanted to cry for the child who was going to experience yet more trauma because CPS made an irresponsible decision. This feeling of helplessness washed over me. AND I HATE FEELING HELPLESS!!! It makes me feel small and vulnerable. I do everything I can to not be helpless. I was crying and yelling my prayers towards God. Wondering how much more of this senselessness I could handle. And yet I knew, how I was feeling was probably just a fraction of the emotions my friend was experiencing.
Part of the reason I am so anxious to have the adoption finalized is because I don't trust the system. I am very much concerned that some random person will decide to move her and give her to another family. It might seem like a crazy thought to anyone outside of the system. But those who have lived and breathed foster care, especially for as long as I have, you don't trust anything anyone tells you until it comes from the judge's mouth. I won't be able to fully relax until the adoption court date.
Back to the point... Today, God said I had to forgive those people who hurt my friend and made bad decisions for the child. I have to forgive them. I can't let anger and hate eat my soul. It is hard to forgive those who hurt the innocent, those who can't fight for themselves. As a foster parent, we go into thinking we will help these children who have been wounded. We quickly discover that sometimes the system does just as much damage as the bio family. We don't have as much of a voice as we think we will. We aren't always allowed to be the voice for the children. We are silenced and treated like dirt.
And yet, we must forgive them. I must forgive them. I must surrender my anger and let God do His thing. It isn't easy. But neither is asking your Father to forgive those who have nailed you to a cross. If He can forgive them, then I must find a way to forgive.
God, You know my heart is to follow and serve You. Help me to love like You do. Help me to forgive like You do. Let my ears hear the whispers of the Holy Spirit. Jesus, I forgive the parents. I forgive the CPS workers who have made poor choices. I forgive the judges who have approved horrific plans. I surrender them to You.
Forgiving isn't always easy. But it frees me. And I like living in freedom.
We were going to take communion in that service. As I was pausing to search my heart before taking the elements, I knew I couldn't take part at that time. Flashes of people's name and faces were going across my mind. People I needed to forgive. Honestly, there was a part of me that didn't want to forgive. I wrestled with what God was asking me. You see God was asking me to forgive the bio parents of my foster kids. Forgive them for neglecting, hurting, or putting children in harms way. Then the CPS workers who have failed the children went through my mind. And God said to forgive them too. Tears were pouring down my face. I couldn't carry this burden any more. I had to forgive them.
Then I had a week like this last one. All the anger and rage at the failing foster care system came roaring back to life. You see, a dear friend of mine who is also a foster parent, had some pretty wretched things happen this week. Things that I can't share because it isn't my story to tell. But still, I was feeling all the feelings for her. I wanted to scream at the decision makers who were being ridiculous. I wanted to cry for the child who was going to experience yet more trauma because CPS made an irresponsible decision. This feeling of helplessness washed over me. AND I HATE FEELING HELPLESS!!! It makes me feel small and vulnerable. I do everything I can to not be helpless. I was crying and yelling my prayers towards God. Wondering how much more of this senselessness I could handle. And yet I knew, how I was feeling was probably just a fraction of the emotions my friend was experiencing.
Part of the reason I am so anxious to have the adoption finalized is because I don't trust the system. I am very much concerned that some random person will decide to move her and give her to another family. It might seem like a crazy thought to anyone outside of the system. But those who have lived and breathed foster care, especially for as long as I have, you don't trust anything anyone tells you until it comes from the judge's mouth. I won't be able to fully relax until the adoption court date.
Back to the point... Today, God said I had to forgive those people who hurt my friend and made bad decisions for the child. I have to forgive them. I can't let anger and hate eat my soul. It is hard to forgive those who hurt the innocent, those who can't fight for themselves. As a foster parent, we go into thinking we will help these children who have been wounded. We quickly discover that sometimes the system does just as much damage as the bio family. We don't have as much of a voice as we think we will. We aren't always allowed to be the voice for the children. We are silenced and treated like dirt.
And yet, we must forgive them. I must forgive them. I must surrender my anger and let God do His thing. It isn't easy. But neither is asking your Father to forgive those who have nailed you to a cross. If He can forgive them, then I must find a way to forgive.
God, You know my heart is to follow and serve You. Help me to love like You do. Help me to forgive like You do. Let my ears hear the whispers of the Holy Spirit. Jesus, I forgive the parents. I forgive the CPS workers who have made poor choices. I forgive the judges who have approved horrific plans. I surrender them to You.
Forgiving isn't always easy. But it frees me. And I like living in freedom.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Where we are now and what is next
I have had many people ask where I am in the adoption process. This is such a complicated answer. Unfortunately, it isn't really a 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, etc step process. It is more like oh #5 is done. Now, we did #3. Let's do #2. You get the picture. As we get closer, there are definitely certain steps that have to be done in a specific order. We just aren't there yet. As of right now, these are the things we have already accomplished.
She has been in my home 6 months.
My agency has updated my home study.
I have contacted a lawyer.
The mandatory waiting period is over!!!!!!!!
We are waiting on CPS to send my agency the order of termination. They also need to retrieve the original birth certificate and social security number. Little One's file needs to be copied and any information that I should not have needs to be redacted. We are in the midst of being transferred to another case worker who has done adoptions before. At this point in time, I think September would be the earliest we could get the adoption finalized. It may be October. It will all depend on how motivated the new case worker is to get things done.
You may be wondering what is next for me after the adoption. Or may be it hasn't crossed your mind at all. For the sake of the blog, I am going to pretend you are interested. :)
There are a few options actually. #1 Keep fostering other children. #2 Go on hold for a bit. This would mean keeping my license up to date, but not actually taking any placements. #3 Close my home altogether. Once I realized that Little One was going to be mine forever, I began praying and contemplating all 3 options very seriously. There are pros and cons to each one. The option I was leaning towards the most was #2. This would allow me to have some down time, just me and my baby. However, it would allow me the flexibility to begin taking other children in whenever I am ready. The biggest reason why I like this idea is because it keeps me available should my other girls need a foster home again. The con is that as long as I have a license I am still expected to have all my fire/environmental inspections up to date. I have to submit to any random state inspection. My life still isn't really my own.
Making this decision wasn't easy. I had dreams for days after I made up my mind. I wrestled with what I felt like God was telling me to do. I wanted to be very confident that I was doing what God asked of me. I wanted to be obedient. I believe God is wanting me to do #3, close my home. In many ways, this brings great freedom! I will no longer be under the ever watchful eye of the foster care system. I will be able to use the babysitter of my choosing without asking them to submit themselves to finger printing and a FBI background check. I will have my life back, plus an adorable baby.
The down side though.... It weighs heavily on me. It so much feels like I would be turning my back on my other girls. I would not be called if they came back into the system. I might not even know if they did. More than that, there is a desperate need for foster parents right now. I dreamed about children needing homes for days. I felt guilty for wanting to close my home. I wondered if I was really hearing God. But I have a peace deep in my soul. I know this is what I am supposed to do. There is a season for everything. My season as a single foster mom is coming to a close. This doesn't mean I can't go back to being a foster parent later. I can and might, if God leads me that way.
Since I will soon be exiting the foster care world, maybe I can challenge you to take the leap of faith and enter it yourself? I know I haven't spoken highly of the system. But the children though, they are worth it. I have been changed by them all. I have found myself capable of loving more deeply than I ever thought possible. My prayer life has been taken to another level. I see the world differently. Even though the last few years have been beyond difficult, I wouldn't trade them for anything. I can't imagine my life without B, Z, Big N, Little N, Baby Cakes, and Brown Eyes. They made me a better mom. I miss them all so much. If you have thought about becoming a foster parent and have questions, please contact me. I will do my best to answer them. I want there to be more homes available than there are children.
She has been in my home 6 months.
My agency has updated my home study.
I have contacted a lawyer.
The mandatory waiting period is over!!!!!!!!
We are waiting on CPS to send my agency the order of termination. They also need to retrieve the original birth certificate and social security number. Little One's file needs to be copied and any information that I should not have needs to be redacted. We are in the midst of being transferred to another case worker who has done adoptions before. At this point in time, I think September would be the earliest we could get the adoption finalized. It may be October. It will all depend on how motivated the new case worker is to get things done.
You may be wondering what is next for me after the adoption. Or may be it hasn't crossed your mind at all. For the sake of the blog, I am going to pretend you are interested. :)
There are a few options actually. #1 Keep fostering other children. #2 Go on hold for a bit. This would mean keeping my license up to date, but not actually taking any placements. #3 Close my home altogether. Once I realized that Little One was going to be mine forever, I began praying and contemplating all 3 options very seriously. There are pros and cons to each one. The option I was leaning towards the most was #2. This would allow me to have some down time, just me and my baby. However, it would allow me the flexibility to begin taking other children in whenever I am ready. The biggest reason why I like this idea is because it keeps me available should my other girls need a foster home again. The con is that as long as I have a license I am still expected to have all my fire/environmental inspections up to date. I have to submit to any random state inspection. My life still isn't really my own.
Making this decision wasn't easy. I had dreams for days after I made up my mind. I wrestled with what I felt like God was telling me to do. I wanted to be very confident that I was doing what God asked of me. I wanted to be obedient. I believe God is wanting me to do #3, close my home. In many ways, this brings great freedom! I will no longer be under the ever watchful eye of the foster care system. I will be able to use the babysitter of my choosing without asking them to submit themselves to finger printing and a FBI background check. I will have my life back, plus an adorable baby.
The down side though.... It weighs heavily on me. It so much feels like I would be turning my back on my other girls. I would not be called if they came back into the system. I might not even know if they did. More than that, there is a desperate need for foster parents right now. I dreamed about children needing homes for days. I felt guilty for wanting to close my home. I wondered if I was really hearing God. But I have a peace deep in my soul. I know this is what I am supposed to do. There is a season for everything. My season as a single foster mom is coming to a close. This doesn't mean I can't go back to being a foster parent later. I can and might, if God leads me that way.
Since I will soon be exiting the foster care world, maybe I can challenge you to take the leap of faith and enter it yourself? I know I haven't spoken highly of the system. But the children though, they are worth it. I have been changed by them all. I have found myself capable of loving more deeply than I ever thought possible. My prayer life has been taken to another level. I see the world differently. Even though the last few years have been beyond difficult, I wouldn't trade them for anything. I can't imagine my life without B, Z, Big N, Little N, Baby Cakes, and Brown Eyes. They made me a better mom. I miss them all so much. If you have thought about becoming a foster parent and have questions, please contact me. I will do my best to answer them. I want there to be more homes available than there are children.
Monday, July 20, 2015
Naive
As I was talking to a fellow foster mom friend recently, I realized how naive I was when I became a foster parent. I really had no idea what I was getting myself into. Sure I had taken all the classes. But I honestly thought they were exaggerating things. I kept thinking everything they were teaching had to be worse case scenario. I remember after a class on trauma care, I drove home in tears. I was freaked out! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was ready to run after that class. Even with the fear that I had after that particular class, I still was in for a shock of what was to come.
The shock wasn't totally from dealing with what the children had experienced though. The shock and horror came from the realization that CPS made many poor decisions, and I'm putting it nicely. No training, no class, no conference told me to be prepared for CPS to choose to put a child in harms way instead of keeping them in a safe place. I never would have dreamed it to be true. I was taught that they always make decisions in the best interest of the child. Oh, how naive I was! Now, I know better.
I have heard stories of families who are being investigated, but CPS didn't pull the children for whatever reason. The next thing you know a child dies. Then they finally decide to remove the other children who happened to survive the situation. Is that how overworked the system is now? They can't remove until there is a death? It is infuriating! Or how about those children they decide to return to their parents? We were taught to believe that a return is always good and in the best interest of the child. It should be celebrated! Oh silly me! Out of all placements that are not leading to adoption, I feel ok about one of their situations. One. That is all. The rest I question their safety.
I know it is frowned upon for a foster parent to speak so freely about such things. I think people need to know the truth though. I often wish one of those behind the scenes news shows would do their own investigation on CPS. If the public knew the situations children were being returned to or the reasons why they can't terminate on the parents with a criminal history, there would be an uproar.
So when CPS fails, who suffers? The children!! Do you want to know what is traumatizing to a child? Being thrown about from bio family to foster family over and over again. There is no stability in that! I wish CPS would acknowledge that the bouncing around is bad for the children. I can't tell you the number of times I have heard "We have to do a return. We have no other choice." Really? No other choice? I have a hard time believing that. When you ask them if they are sure the parents are up to getting their children back, they are never confident. If you are going to go to the effort of removing a child from a bad place, why aren't you going to be 100% sure the children are going to be safe before returning them? It is just common sense.
I gave up on the system a while ago. Current problems that my other foster friends are having make me even more jaded. I know God can use anything. Even this jacked up hot mess we call foster care. I have been praying and asking God what can be done to change this system? I do not have many answers. I have ideas. I do believe that the state needs to hire more case workers across the board. They say the way they determine how much jail space they will need in the future is based upon how many kids are in foster care currently. A sad and awful truth! Instead of planning for bigger jails, why don't we take some of that money and pour it into more social workers, mentoring programs, half way homes for those aging out of the system? Why plan to fail? Why not plan for success and fewer teens and young adults in the jails? How about paying the social workers better? They work crazy long hours and should be compensated accordingly. How about hiring more transport people to help with family visits? Yes, all of these things require money. The government is throwing away millions of dollars on junk all the time. The money needs to be moved to an area that could really use it.
I believe that the foster care system can change. If things were different, maybe family reunification would be good and not a cause of concern. Maybe children wouldn't have to die to get the attention of CPS. Maybe more children would be in forever homes. Maybe it could be what I was so naive enough to believe it was in the first place.
The shock wasn't totally from dealing with what the children had experienced though. The shock and horror came from the realization that CPS made many poor decisions, and I'm putting it nicely. No training, no class, no conference told me to be prepared for CPS to choose to put a child in harms way instead of keeping them in a safe place. I never would have dreamed it to be true. I was taught that they always make decisions in the best interest of the child. Oh, how naive I was! Now, I know better.
I have heard stories of families who are being investigated, but CPS didn't pull the children for whatever reason. The next thing you know a child dies. Then they finally decide to remove the other children who happened to survive the situation. Is that how overworked the system is now? They can't remove until there is a death? It is infuriating! Or how about those children they decide to return to their parents? We were taught to believe that a return is always good and in the best interest of the child. It should be celebrated! Oh silly me! Out of all placements that are not leading to adoption, I feel ok about one of their situations. One. That is all. The rest I question their safety.
I know it is frowned upon for a foster parent to speak so freely about such things. I think people need to know the truth though. I often wish one of those behind the scenes news shows would do their own investigation on CPS. If the public knew the situations children were being returned to or the reasons why they can't terminate on the parents with a criminal history, there would be an uproar.
So when CPS fails, who suffers? The children!! Do you want to know what is traumatizing to a child? Being thrown about from bio family to foster family over and over again. There is no stability in that! I wish CPS would acknowledge that the bouncing around is bad for the children. I can't tell you the number of times I have heard "We have to do a return. We have no other choice." Really? No other choice? I have a hard time believing that. When you ask them if they are sure the parents are up to getting their children back, they are never confident. If you are going to go to the effort of removing a child from a bad place, why aren't you going to be 100% sure the children are going to be safe before returning them? It is just common sense.
I gave up on the system a while ago. Current problems that my other foster friends are having make me even more jaded. I know God can use anything. Even this jacked up hot mess we call foster care. I have been praying and asking God what can be done to change this system? I do not have many answers. I have ideas. I do believe that the state needs to hire more case workers across the board. They say the way they determine how much jail space they will need in the future is based upon how many kids are in foster care currently. A sad and awful truth! Instead of planning for bigger jails, why don't we take some of that money and pour it into more social workers, mentoring programs, half way homes for those aging out of the system? Why plan to fail? Why not plan for success and fewer teens and young adults in the jails? How about paying the social workers better? They work crazy long hours and should be compensated accordingly. How about hiring more transport people to help with family visits? Yes, all of these things require money. The government is throwing away millions of dollars on junk all the time. The money needs to be moved to an area that could really use it.
I believe that the foster care system can change. If things were different, maybe family reunification would be good and not a cause of concern. Maybe children wouldn't have to die to get the attention of CPS. Maybe more children would be in forever homes. Maybe it could be what I was so naive enough to believe it was in the first place.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Big News
I have been waiting for a while to share some information with you all. I wanted to make sure I was allowed to share. So here it goes...
On May 1, we had a court date scheduled. It was supposed to be a pre-trial. This basically means they were going to review the information at hand and set a final trial date for the case. I went to the court house that day. I knew not much was going to happen, but I wanted to be there to show my support for Little One. I was oddly nervous. In the back of my mind, I kept wondering if someone was finally going to show up that day or if a relative was going to pop up. I knew if that happened, it would be a game changer. When I finally saw the GAL, she said she had some news. Of course, this made my heart beat even faster. She then informed me that she was changing the goal of today's pre-trial. She wanted to make it a final trial and terminate the rights of the parents. I was floored!!!!! This was not even on my radar as a possibility for that day. I knew it was probably coming soon, but not this soon! She then talked to the CPS case worker and filled him in. He made some calls to his supervisor. Our CASA volunteer and supervisor showed up. They got caught up on what the GAL wanted to do. They all agreed that it was a good idea. They didn't see any need to drag this out further. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was frozen in shock. I wanted to dance, shout, scream, cry, fall on the floor, hug someone, make a million phone calls all at once. The reason they could move so quickly with this case is because the bio parents have not been active or cooperative at all. Little One hasn't seen her bio mom since she was at the hospital. There is no relationship here.
They all went before the judge and expressed their desire. The judge reviewed every single time the family had been served. The story of why Little One was in foster care was restated. The judge was quite careful to make sure all the i's were dotted and the t's were crossed. When she was satisfied that all was in order, she asked if the foster family was interested in adopting Little One. They told her that I was very interested. She then declared that the rights of parents were terminated.
So many mixed emotions filled me at that time. Joy for me. Sadness for the bio family. They are missing out on one of the biggest blessings ever. Little One has been nothing but a joy to raise. And they have lost her. But their loss is my reward!
After we left the court room, we went back into the hallway. The GAL, CASA, CPS, and my agency case manager were all congratulating me. It was the oddest feeling. They all began talking as if the adoption was a done deal. Many hugs were given. I shed a few tears. I really was trying to hold it together until I got into my car. But even though they were all talking like the adoption was final, I knew we still had a ways to go. Things could happen. Something could come up and change everything. In the back of my mind, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wanted to be confident too, but I wasn't completely. I was still rejoicing, but I was hesitant.
You see, now we are in the midst of a mandatory waiting period of 90 days. It is another place of limbo. Little One is still considered a foster child. I am still a foster parent. Adoption is still months away. We have to prepare for the adoption, though. It is hard to do in the midst of this waiting. I guess I should explain what this waiting period is for. After the termination order is signed, they give the bio parents 30 days to contest it. They also give 60 days for bio grandparents, aunts and uncles to come forward. We have already passed the 30 days for the bio parents to contest. It is now a wait and see if any of the family members previously mentioned appear.
I wanted to wait until the first 30 days had passed by before sharing this with the world. So yes, it looks like I should be able to adopt Little One later on this year!!!! However, I am hedging this with the knowledge that it isn't a done deal until the judge says she is mine. Someone could pop up.
God did some pretty cool things the day of the termination. I might have to do a separate blog on that. And I will share more of the adoption process as it unfolds. :)
On May 1, we had a court date scheduled. It was supposed to be a pre-trial. This basically means they were going to review the information at hand and set a final trial date for the case. I went to the court house that day. I knew not much was going to happen, but I wanted to be there to show my support for Little One. I was oddly nervous. In the back of my mind, I kept wondering if someone was finally going to show up that day or if a relative was going to pop up. I knew if that happened, it would be a game changer. When I finally saw the GAL, she said she had some news. Of course, this made my heart beat even faster. She then informed me that she was changing the goal of today's pre-trial. She wanted to make it a final trial and terminate the rights of the parents. I was floored!!!!! This was not even on my radar as a possibility for that day. I knew it was probably coming soon, but not this soon! She then talked to the CPS case worker and filled him in. He made some calls to his supervisor. Our CASA volunteer and supervisor showed up. They got caught up on what the GAL wanted to do. They all agreed that it was a good idea. They didn't see any need to drag this out further. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was frozen in shock. I wanted to dance, shout, scream, cry, fall on the floor, hug someone, make a million phone calls all at once. The reason they could move so quickly with this case is because the bio parents have not been active or cooperative at all. Little One hasn't seen her bio mom since she was at the hospital. There is no relationship here.
They all went before the judge and expressed their desire. The judge reviewed every single time the family had been served. The story of why Little One was in foster care was restated. The judge was quite careful to make sure all the i's were dotted and the t's were crossed. When she was satisfied that all was in order, she asked if the foster family was interested in adopting Little One. They told her that I was very interested. She then declared that the rights of parents were terminated.
So many mixed emotions filled me at that time. Joy for me. Sadness for the bio family. They are missing out on one of the biggest blessings ever. Little One has been nothing but a joy to raise. And they have lost her. But their loss is my reward!
After we left the court room, we went back into the hallway. The GAL, CASA, CPS, and my agency case manager were all congratulating me. It was the oddest feeling. They all began talking as if the adoption was a done deal. Many hugs were given. I shed a few tears. I really was trying to hold it together until I got into my car. But even though they were all talking like the adoption was final, I knew we still had a ways to go. Things could happen. Something could come up and change everything. In the back of my mind, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wanted to be confident too, but I wasn't completely. I was still rejoicing, but I was hesitant.
You see, now we are in the midst of a mandatory waiting period of 90 days. It is another place of limbo. Little One is still considered a foster child. I am still a foster parent. Adoption is still months away. We have to prepare for the adoption, though. It is hard to do in the midst of this waiting. I guess I should explain what this waiting period is for. After the termination order is signed, they give the bio parents 30 days to contest it. They also give 60 days for bio grandparents, aunts and uncles to come forward. We have already passed the 30 days for the bio parents to contest. It is now a wait and see if any of the family members previously mentioned appear.
I wanted to wait until the first 30 days had passed by before sharing this with the world. So yes, it looks like I should be able to adopt Little One later on this year!!!! However, I am hedging this with the knowledge that it isn't a done deal until the judge says she is mine. Someone could pop up.
God did some pretty cool things the day of the termination. I might have to do a separate blog on that. And I will share more of the adoption process as it unfolds. :)
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Telling Their Story
It seems as if, in this day and age of social media, everyone's business is made public. Nothing seems to be very private any more. We may try to hide certain information or aspects of ourselves, but it all seems to become public some how. It is kind of scary.
Knowing this, it makes me highly protective of my foster children. They are the easiest to be exploited in general. (Side note: Did you know human traffickers seek out foster children? How terrible is that!) Our children are not allowed to have their pictures published online, in school books, or in any mass media presentations. We want to make sure they are safe.
But there is another aspect here that can be overlooked. It is also our responsibility to protect their stories. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. If Little One were to become my forever child, I want her story to be protected. I want to be the one who shares details with her, not friends or family members. It is a private and personal story that she can share with others if she wants to when she grows up. I've known that is it crucial not to share too much information with others for safety reasons. However, it is so much more than that. I wouldn't want someone blabbing my story when it isn't their place to share. In the same way, I want Little One to know that her story is safe and won't be shared without her permission.
I have wondered if maybe I have shared too many general details with some people. I am hoping I won't later regret that. I have heard it said don't tell other people details of your child's story unless you feel ok with them telling it to the child. Inevitably, they will accidentally say the wrong thing to the child; and they will say oh I thought you (the child) already knew that. I would hate for that to happen!
However, there is one aspect I would want her to know from the beginning. If Little One were to become my adopted child, I would want her to know she was adopted from the beginning. I want it to be as common knowledge as her hair color. In making it normal information, it takes away the secrecy. If I kept it secret and she found out when she was older, there would be a bigger chance that she would think it was something bad or shameful. There is no shame in being adopted. It is a beautiful story of redemption, and that is how I would want her to grow up seeing it.
It would be my job, my responsibility, to tell her in age appropriate ways her story and journey. I need to make sure that I never lie when she has questions, to say I don't know instead of making something up. I would want it to be a topic that she always feels safe talking about. And if she ever wanted to find her bio family when she is older, I would hope that I am confident enough in my relationship with her to not be afraid of that process.
Our children's stories are meant to be protected, not exploited. I am letting you know now, whenever I adopt, no one but me will ever know the full story. It isn't because I am trying to be rude. It is because I respect my child enough not to tell information that isn't mine to tell. I hope you all will understand.
Knowing this, it makes me highly protective of my foster children. They are the easiest to be exploited in general. (Side note: Did you know human traffickers seek out foster children? How terrible is that!) Our children are not allowed to have their pictures published online, in school books, or in any mass media presentations. We want to make sure they are safe.
But there is another aspect here that can be overlooked. It is also our responsibility to protect their stories. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. If Little One were to become my forever child, I want her story to be protected. I want to be the one who shares details with her, not friends or family members. It is a private and personal story that she can share with others if she wants to when she grows up. I've known that is it crucial not to share too much information with others for safety reasons. However, it is so much more than that. I wouldn't want someone blabbing my story when it isn't their place to share. In the same way, I want Little One to know that her story is safe and won't be shared without her permission.
I have wondered if maybe I have shared too many general details with some people. I am hoping I won't later regret that. I have heard it said don't tell other people details of your child's story unless you feel ok with them telling it to the child. Inevitably, they will accidentally say the wrong thing to the child; and they will say oh I thought you (the child) already knew that. I would hate for that to happen!
However, there is one aspect I would want her to know from the beginning. If Little One were to become my adopted child, I would want her to know she was adopted from the beginning. I want it to be as common knowledge as her hair color. In making it normal information, it takes away the secrecy. If I kept it secret and she found out when she was older, there would be a bigger chance that she would think it was something bad or shameful. There is no shame in being adopted. It is a beautiful story of redemption, and that is how I would want her to grow up seeing it.
It would be my job, my responsibility, to tell her in age appropriate ways her story and journey. I need to make sure that I never lie when she has questions, to say I don't know instead of making something up. I would want it to be a topic that she always feels safe talking about. And if she ever wanted to find her bio family when she is older, I would hope that I am confident enough in my relationship with her to not be afraid of that process.
Our children's stories are meant to be protected, not exploited. I am letting you know now, whenever I adopt, no one but me will ever know the full story. It isn't because I am trying to be rude. It is because I respect my child enough not to tell information that isn't mine to tell. I hope you all will understand.
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Mother's Day Isn't Always Easy
This Sunday is Mother's Day. Growing up, Mother's Day was about trying to surprise mom with breakfast already made. It was never a surprise though. I mean 6 kids trying to cook in the kitchen isn't a quiet thing. Of course, we would pull our money together to get her a card and a gift. She appreciated our efforts. She especially liked it when we cleaned up the dishes. :)
Now, I am a mother. Last year I didn't feel like one because my arms were empty. My beautiful girls had been gone for about 6 weeks at this point. I didn't feel like a mom. It was a very hard day for me. All I wanted was to hold my girls again. This year, I have a precious baby girl. I feel like a mom because my arms are full. Little One is changing my life in so many ways. I love being her mom! I count it an honor and a privilege to take care of her.
However, I can't help but to think about the other women out there this year whose arms are empty. I have many friends who are wanting desperately to have a baby. And for whatever reason, it is taking a long time. My hearts hurt for them. The ache of an empty womb can be crushing. Every month disappointment. I hate to see them in pain. Then there are the moms who are adopting and waiting to bring their babies home. Even though they have a promise of a baby, it doesn't help make the waiting any easier. Their hearts are torn. Their minds are constantly in two places at once. The tears they shed are for a child who they haven't even met yet, but has completely stolen their hearts.
Then there is the foster mom. The mom who is loving a child that isn't her own and will probably have to give back at some point. The pain of loving and letting go is overwhelming at times. They often wonder if they are making any difference at all. Their children may not even acknowledge them as "mom". They are often forgotten as the children are thinking of their biological mom, which is understandable. They are "for now" moms, but moms none the less.
To all the moms out there, whatever stage or place you are in, God sees your heart. He hears your cry. Even though there are times you feel completely forgotten, He hasn't forgotten you. He isn't being cruel and intentionally causing pain by withholding a child. I don't know why it isn't happening as easily as you would like. I do know that God is a God of love. His love for you is great. When you are exhausted and at your whits end, He is your strength and your rock. He will give you the wisdom you need to raise your child. If you are questioning if you should have taken a certain child because all you see are your limitations in helping them, God isn't limited by your abilities to help your child. He will equip you to be the parent you need to be.
This Sunday, as you honor your mom, don't forget about those women that are waiting or grieving. It is not a joyous day for all. Give them a hug. Send a text message. Let them know that they are thought of and loved on this day. Many of us are/have been/will be in these shoes. Let's show them love and grace.
Now, I am a mother. Last year I didn't feel like one because my arms were empty. My beautiful girls had been gone for about 6 weeks at this point. I didn't feel like a mom. It was a very hard day for me. All I wanted was to hold my girls again. This year, I have a precious baby girl. I feel like a mom because my arms are full. Little One is changing my life in so many ways. I love being her mom! I count it an honor and a privilege to take care of her.
However, I can't help but to think about the other women out there this year whose arms are empty. I have many friends who are wanting desperately to have a baby. And for whatever reason, it is taking a long time. My hearts hurt for them. The ache of an empty womb can be crushing. Every month disappointment. I hate to see them in pain. Then there are the moms who are adopting and waiting to bring their babies home. Even though they have a promise of a baby, it doesn't help make the waiting any easier. Their hearts are torn. Their minds are constantly in two places at once. The tears they shed are for a child who they haven't even met yet, but has completely stolen their hearts.
Then there is the foster mom. The mom who is loving a child that isn't her own and will probably have to give back at some point. The pain of loving and letting go is overwhelming at times. They often wonder if they are making any difference at all. Their children may not even acknowledge them as "mom". They are often forgotten as the children are thinking of their biological mom, which is understandable. They are "for now" moms, but moms none the less.
To all the moms out there, whatever stage or place you are in, God sees your heart. He hears your cry. Even though there are times you feel completely forgotten, He hasn't forgotten you. He isn't being cruel and intentionally causing pain by withholding a child. I don't know why it isn't happening as easily as you would like. I do know that God is a God of love. His love for you is great. When you are exhausted and at your whits end, He is your strength and your rock. He will give you the wisdom you need to raise your child. If you are questioning if you should have taken a certain child because all you see are your limitations in helping them, God isn't limited by your abilities to help your child. He will equip you to be the parent you need to be.
This Sunday, as you honor your mom, don't forget about those women that are waiting or grieving. It is not a joyous day for all. Give them a hug. Send a text message. Let them know that they are thought of and loved on this day. Many of us are/have been/will be in these shoes. Let's show them love and grace.
Friday, April 17, 2015
#JoyintheJourneyRetreat2015
Have you ever been super hungry, but you are so busy you can't stop to eat? You keep going and going. The hunger pains decrease. Your energy level starts to go down. Then when you finally stop to eat, you realize with that first bite of food just how hungry you are! And you suddenly want to eat all the food around you. Has that happened to you?
Well, that is how I felt when I went to the Joy in the Journey retreat this year. (This was for foster and adoptive moms only.) I didn't realize how hungry I was for a sense of community and time with God. My soul was dry. My spirit was weary. Then that first session Friday night reminded me how much I needed to be there. Even though I was missing my Little One fiercely, I needed to have my tank filled up again. I was running on fumes.
It was such a beautiful time in the presence of God! Each worship experience allowed me to pour out my heart before God. He was faithful to fill it up again with Himself. Saturday night's session was powerful! They had several different stations set up - one for communion, a map of the world to pray over, a spot with comfy chairs and candles for praying or for writing, and a cross with note cards near by. The note cards were for us to write down either prayer requests or praise reports and to place them on the cross. I went to the cross and took a card. I wrote down the things I knew God was wanting me to surrender. Fear. Doubt. Worry. Unbelief. And I placed that card on the cross. As I walked away, I felt a burden being lifted. I felt at peace for the first time in a long time. That same night, God had two different ladies pray over me. It was unexpected and a total blessing. It was as if God was reminding me that I'm not walking this road alone.
Some amazing speakers were brought in for this retreat! I could have listened to several of them all day! They spoke with passion and honesty. It helped to know that they too have walked in our shoes. Being a foster parent can feel isolating at times. It is a hard road that many don't understand. I surely didn't understand it before 3 years ago. Being in a place with 100 other foster/adoptive moms, you can't help but to feel like you should all be BFF's. :) I only knew one person when I came that weekend. I was prepared for all sorts of awkwardness. I definitely felt awkward at times. However, every one that I talked to was so willing to be open and transparent. We didn't stay strangers for long. I even met a few other beautiful single foster moms!!! It is always nice to know you aren't the only crazy person. ;)
God spoke to me over and over that weekend. Through the speakers He challenged me to be more intentional with daily moments. To stop and savor life's experiences, to allow myself a Sabbath. He reminded me to stop carrying around the weight of the world and its worries. I needed to let Him take my burdens. He spoke to me of His never ending love for me and all of my foster girls. He let me know that HE SEES ME. I'm not invisible to Him. They were words that my heart needed to hear. I had arrived a broken, grief stricken, fearful person. I left with the knowledge that God sees me and loves me. I found hope and strength to go on. God knew I needed this retreat more than I did.
I can hardly wait for next year's retreat! I'm already anticipating what God has in store.
Well, that is how I felt when I went to the Joy in the Journey retreat this year. (This was for foster and adoptive moms only.) I didn't realize how hungry I was for a sense of community and time with God. My soul was dry. My spirit was weary. Then that first session Friday night reminded me how much I needed to be there. Even though I was missing my Little One fiercely, I needed to have my tank filled up again. I was running on fumes.
It was such a beautiful time in the presence of God! Each worship experience allowed me to pour out my heart before God. He was faithful to fill it up again with Himself. Saturday night's session was powerful! They had several different stations set up - one for communion, a map of the world to pray over, a spot with comfy chairs and candles for praying or for writing, and a cross with note cards near by. The note cards were for us to write down either prayer requests or praise reports and to place them on the cross. I went to the cross and took a card. I wrote down the things I knew God was wanting me to surrender. Fear. Doubt. Worry. Unbelief. And I placed that card on the cross. As I walked away, I felt a burden being lifted. I felt at peace for the first time in a long time. That same night, God had two different ladies pray over me. It was unexpected and a total blessing. It was as if God was reminding me that I'm not walking this road alone.
Some amazing speakers were brought in for this retreat! I could have listened to several of them all day! They spoke with passion and honesty. It helped to know that they too have walked in our shoes. Being a foster parent can feel isolating at times. It is a hard road that many don't understand. I surely didn't understand it before 3 years ago. Being in a place with 100 other foster/adoptive moms, you can't help but to feel like you should all be BFF's. :) I only knew one person when I came that weekend. I was prepared for all sorts of awkwardness. I definitely felt awkward at times. However, every one that I talked to was so willing to be open and transparent. We didn't stay strangers for long. I even met a few other beautiful single foster moms!!! It is always nice to know you aren't the only crazy person. ;)
God spoke to me over and over that weekend. Through the speakers He challenged me to be more intentional with daily moments. To stop and savor life's experiences, to allow myself a Sabbath. He reminded me to stop carrying around the weight of the world and its worries. I needed to let Him take my burdens. He spoke to me of His never ending love for me and all of my foster girls. He let me know that HE SEES ME. I'm not invisible to Him. They were words that my heart needed to hear. I had arrived a broken, grief stricken, fearful person. I left with the knowledge that God sees me and loves me. I found hope and strength to go on. God knew I needed this retreat more than I did.
I can hardly wait for next year's retreat! I'm already anticipating what God has in store.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
What ethnicity is your husband? And other questions I get asked.
I get asked questions on a regular basis that leave me puzzled. I wonder, how am I supposed to answer that? They usually involve my foster child. I'm not at liberty to say much about their situation. It gets tricky sometimes. Here are some questions that I get asked frequently and how I wish I could respond. :)
Q: What ethnicity is your husband?
A: Umm... I'm guessing you are asking that because my baby doesn't look like me? Well, for your information, I don't know what ethnicity my husband is. I haven't met him yet.
Q: Look at all that hair! Is it from her dad?
A: I'm not really sure. I didn't see his face.
Q: Do you breastfeed your baby?
A: No, I decided to give her toxic formula instead.
Q: Does she have her daddy wrapped around her little finger?
A: Oh, you know her daddy? Could you tell me who he is?
Q: Is this your first child?
A: No, it is my 7th. I'm thinking about adding more to that number.
Q: Is this your only child?
A: Yes, and she is lonely isn't she? I should probably give her some siblings.
Q: Are you their grandma or did you adopt them?
A: Why are those the only two options you are giving me? How old do you think I am?
Q: Are you still just fostering? Is it because you don't want to adopt?
A: There is no such thing as "just fostering". And adopting isn't as easy as you think.
Q: Is this child yours?
A: No, I stole her.
Q: How long do you get to keep her?
A: Until I'm tired of her and want to trade her in for a new one.
Q: Are they with you because their parents did drugs?
A: Did you do drugs?
These are just a sampling of the things I get asked. Please know that these are sarcastic responses. No worries if you have asked me these questions. :)
Q: What ethnicity is your husband?
A: Umm... I'm guessing you are asking that because my baby doesn't look like me? Well, for your information, I don't know what ethnicity my husband is. I haven't met him yet.
Q: Look at all that hair! Is it from her dad?
A: I'm not really sure. I didn't see his face.
Q: Do you breastfeed your baby?
A: No, I decided to give her toxic formula instead.
Q: Does she have her daddy wrapped around her little finger?
A: Oh, you know her daddy? Could you tell me who he is?
Q: Is this your first child?
A: No, it is my 7th. I'm thinking about adding more to that number.
Q: Is this your only child?
A: Yes, and she is lonely isn't she? I should probably give her some siblings.
Q: Are you their grandma or did you adopt them?
A: Why are those the only two options you are giving me? How old do you think I am?
Q: Are you still just fostering? Is it because you don't want to adopt?
A: There is no such thing as "just fostering". And adopting isn't as easy as you think.
Q: Is this child yours?
A: No, I stole her.
Q: How long do you get to keep her?
A: Until I'm tired of her and want to trade her in for a new one.
Q: Are they with you because their parents did drugs?
A: Did you do drugs?
These are just a sampling of the things I get asked. Please know that these are sarcastic responses. No worries if you have asked me these questions. :)
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
ALL THE FEELINGS
For about a week now, I've had all the emotions going on inside of me. My feelings are worn out from feeling all the things. It is amazing how you can get exhausted just from emotions. I'm so tired, you would think I haven't slept in months. Ok, well having a newborn probably has helped with the exhaustion part. But seriously, I'm emotionally drained.
I know what has triggered this hot mess too. It is two fold. First of all, it was a year ago this month that my two girls left. Meaning, my heart has had a giant whole in it for a year now. I still miss them more than words can say. I still have way more questions then answers as to why they had to leave. Their situation has given me doubts about ever being able to adopt from the foster care system. Second, my current foster baby's case doesn't seem to be going anywhere. If you knew the story, which I'm not at liberty to share, you would think that she is most likely going to be my forever child. However, there are also a lot of uncertainties with her case. I wish it was cut and dry, but it isn't. The not knowing always gets to me. And this time is no different.
Truthfully, I have little faith that the system will make the right decision by her. The case workers, especially in Dallas County, are overworked. They have upwards of 80 cases at any given time. How in the world do we expect them to make good decisions for kids when they can't even remember the details of each case? The state is trying to find ways to cut expenses, but hiring fewer case workers won't help. If there was a way to cut their case load down to 20-30 at a time, I think we would find much better results with the children. Maybe case workers would be able to return calls or actually get to know the kids this way. Typically, I see the case worker once a month, at best, for 30 minutes to an hour. That is it. In that time, they try to learn all they can about how the child is doing. You might get a brief update on the case, and that is about it. Now, there are times when you might have more contact with them if the child is having issues. For the most part, I'm left in the dark wondering what is going to happen.
Being in the dark leaves my mind to wondering all the what if's. The what ifs lead to worry. Worry leads me to feeling all the feelings. I guess I'm worried. I'm worried about my Little One. I'm worried about her out come. I have friends who are foster parents, and I find myself worrying about their children too. I know we aren't supposed to worry. It is a constant struggle for me. I do pray, all the time, for the children. I know God sees the big picture. I know He loves my Little One more than I do. But I don't trust these people to make right decisions. I have to trust that no matter the outcome God will take care of her.
My agency has asked me if I want to take in more children since I just have one right now. I feel torn with that question. I know more children need a safe home, and I have an empty bedroom. However, I'm just one person. I have a newborn. My finances are tight. I don't think now is a good time to take in another child. IF one of my girls who have been in my care before come back, then I would open my doors to them in a heart beat. Until I know what is going to happen with Little One, I don't think I can take another placement. People, we need Christian foster parents. These kids need someone who will be willing to fight for them. Someone who will introduce them to Jesus. It isn't easy at all. The burn out is real and fast. That is why we need a constant flow of new people becoming foster parents. May I suggest my agency, Arrow Child and Family Ministries? I love them and their heart for children. The fact that the founder of the organization was once a foster child himself speaks volumes.
If you think about it, pray for me. Pray that my soul will find peace and rest, that the emotions will subside.
I know what has triggered this hot mess too. It is two fold. First of all, it was a year ago this month that my two girls left. Meaning, my heart has had a giant whole in it for a year now. I still miss them more than words can say. I still have way more questions then answers as to why they had to leave. Their situation has given me doubts about ever being able to adopt from the foster care system. Second, my current foster baby's case doesn't seem to be going anywhere. If you knew the story, which I'm not at liberty to share, you would think that she is most likely going to be my forever child. However, there are also a lot of uncertainties with her case. I wish it was cut and dry, but it isn't. The not knowing always gets to me. And this time is no different.
Truthfully, I have little faith that the system will make the right decision by her. The case workers, especially in Dallas County, are overworked. They have upwards of 80 cases at any given time. How in the world do we expect them to make good decisions for kids when they can't even remember the details of each case? The state is trying to find ways to cut expenses, but hiring fewer case workers won't help. If there was a way to cut their case load down to 20-30 at a time, I think we would find much better results with the children. Maybe case workers would be able to return calls or actually get to know the kids this way. Typically, I see the case worker once a month, at best, for 30 minutes to an hour. That is it. In that time, they try to learn all they can about how the child is doing. You might get a brief update on the case, and that is about it. Now, there are times when you might have more contact with them if the child is having issues. For the most part, I'm left in the dark wondering what is going to happen.
Being in the dark leaves my mind to wondering all the what if's. The what ifs lead to worry. Worry leads me to feeling all the feelings. I guess I'm worried. I'm worried about my Little One. I'm worried about her out come. I have friends who are foster parents, and I find myself worrying about their children too. I know we aren't supposed to worry. It is a constant struggle for me. I do pray, all the time, for the children. I know God sees the big picture. I know He loves my Little One more than I do. But I don't trust these people to make right decisions. I have to trust that no matter the outcome God will take care of her.
My agency has asked me if I want to take in more children since I just have one right now. I feel torn with that question. I know more children need a safe home, and I have an empty bedroom. However, I'm just one person. I have a newborn. My finances are tight. I don't think now is a good time to take in another child. IF one of my girls who have been in my care before come back, then I would open my doors to them in a heart beat. Until I know what is going to happen with Little One, I don't think I can take another placement. People, we need Christian foster parents. These kids need someone who will be willing to fight for them. Someone who will introduce them to Jesus. It isn't easy at all. The burn out is real and fast. That is why we need a constant flow of new people becoming foster parents. May I suggest my agency, Arrow Child and Family Ministries? I love them and their heart for children. The fact that the founder of the organization was once a foster child himself speaks volumes.
If you think about it, pray for me. Pray that my soul will find peace and rest, that the emotions will subside.
Friday, February 13, 2015
Unseen
I've had so many thoughts going around inside my brain lately. Numerous potential blog posts have started formulating. However, there is one thing that I can't quite shake. I sense it is the Holy Spirit reminding me of what is really important. What is it that is making me pause and give much consideration and prayer? The unseen. The spiritual realm to be more exact. The warfare that is waging all around us.
When I started the process of becoming a foster parent, I took about 40 hours of classes to prepare me for what was to come. I learned about abuse, medications, trauma care, rules, restrictions, requirements, and oh so much more. I was being trained for all sorts of potential crisis situations. All the information given to me would never have prepared me for the unseen.
Late last night, a couple from my church took in their very first foster child. I had a hard time sleeping because I kept thinking about them and their family. I know how interesting those first nights can be. You see with your eyes the physical needs, and your heart responds to the emotional needs. You don't always think about the spiritual side right away. Your goal is to feed and clothe at the beginning. So every time I woke up to feed Little One, I was praying for them. Praying that the unseen spiritual battle that is ahead of them would not be a shock to them.
You see, there is a battle going on. A battle for the souls of these children. The enemy wants nothing more than to drag them into the same cycles of addiction, prostitution, poverty, and depravity as their family members. When the least of these is placed in a Christian home, the enemy doesn't like it. He knows that we will fight for and pray over these children. In many ways, the unseen battle is the most important thing.
So many times, I have been at my wits end trying to figure out how to help the children that have come into my home. I have wrestled with feelings of helplessness. I have wondered if I have done anything right. The meltdowns and tantrums were of epic proportions. The battle of wills seemed endless. Yet those times I allowed myself to stop and see what is truly happening, I would realize that I am in a war zone. When I would shift my eyes to the heavens and do battle over the children, I would begin to see victory.
The truth of the matter is the children who come into our homes are coming with spiritual baggage. We are opening our homes to the demonic. I wish I was being extreme or joking, but it is the truth. Ask anyone who is a Christian foster parent, they will tell you the same. The war is real. Ephesians 6:12-20 clearly states that we have real weapons to fight the very real battle.
I have prayed and wept over every single child that has entered my home. Even though most of the cases didn't end in a way that I thought was good, I know that those children left my home covered in prayer and with seeds planted in their hearts.
If you would, please pray for the foster parents that you know to have wisdom and strength to fight the good fight of faith. There is so much evil in this world. It makes my heart heavy. I'm thankful, though, that I serve the God who is greater than all the darkness.
When I started the process of becoming a foster parent, I took about 40 hours of classes to prepare me for what was to come. I learned about abuse, medications, trauma care, rules, restrictions, requirements, and oh so much more. I was being trained for all sorts of potential crisis situations. All the information given to me would never have prepared me for the unseen.
Late last night, a couple from my church took in their very first foster child. I had a hard time sleeping because I kept thinking about them and their family. I know how interesting those first nights can be. You see with your eyes the physical needs, and your heart responds to the emotional needs. You don't always think about the spiritual side right away. Your goal is to feed and clothe at the beginning. So every time I woke up to feed Little One, I was praying for them. Praying that the unseen spiritual battle that is ahead of them would not be a shock to them.
You see, there is a battle going on. A battle for the souls of these children. The enemy wants nothing more than to drag them into the same cycles of addiction, prostitution, poverty, and depravity as their family members. When the least of these is placed in a Christian home, the enemy doesn't like it. He knows that we will fight for and pray over these children. In many ways, the unseen battle is the most important thing.
So many times, I have been at my wits end trying to figure out how to help the children that have come into my home. I have wrestled with feelings of helplessness. I have wondered if I have done anything right. The meltdowns and tantrums were of epic proportions. The battle of wills seemed endless. Yet those times I allowed myself to stop and see what is truly happening, I would realize that I am in a war zone. When I would shift my eyes to the heavens and do battle over the children, I would begin to see victory.
The truth of the matter is the children who come into our homes are coming with spiritual baggage. We are opening our homes to the demonic. I wish I was being extreme or joking, but it is the truth. Ask anyone who is a Christian foster parent, they will tell you the same. The war is real. Ephesians 6:12-20 clearly states that we have real weapons to fight the very real battle.
I have prayed and wept over every single child that has entered my home. Even though most of the cases didn't end in a way that I thought was good, I know that those children left my home covered in prayer and with seeds planted in their hearts.
If you would, please pray for the foster parents that you know to have wisdom and strength to fight the good fight of faith. There is so much evil in this world. It makes my heart heavy. I'm thankful, though, that I serve the God who is greater than all the darkness.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Something New
As many of you know, after Brown Eyes left, I really wanted to quit being a foster parent. I mean REALLY wanted to quit. My heart was over it. There didn't seem to be any reason to continue on this journey. I was begging God to let me stop. However, I never felt the release from Him to quit. Truthfully, I was a bit depressed. I couldn't see much light in the situation.
Then the first several days of the new year, God began speaking to me. He gave me Isaiah 43:18-19 "Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." If the foster care system could be compared to anything, a wilderness and a desert would be fitting. I felt like He was encouraging me to keep going. He was going to do something new this year. He was going to make a way where it seemed hopeless. A day or two after He gave me this passage, at church God clearly told me repeatedly not to live in fear. I don't need to be afraid of the unknown or make decisions out of fear. I needed to live fearlessly. I KNEW God was telling me to continue being a foster parent.
One day later, my phone rang in the evening. It was my agency. They wanted to know if I was interested in taking a newborn baby girl? Immediately, with no hesitation, I said yes! I knew very little about her situation. They had very few details. Due to several things, she ended up not being placed with me that night, but she came to me the next day. My agency and I asked more questions, trying to get a handle on the case. We were greeted with little information and several "I don't know"s. I know the least amount on this child's case then any other before her.
Even now, what will happen with Little One is a mystery. It is early in the case. Not much is going to be known. Normally, I have this overwhelmingly strong sense of urgency to know all the details of the case ASAP. This time, not as much. I definitely want to know what is going to happen. However, I feel more calm about it all.
I've only had Little One two weeks. I feel myself being hesitant to think more than a week out. I want to dream long term, but part of me is scared to do that. God keeps reminding not to live in fear, to dream big. What I really want to do is dream a life that will include Little One being with me forever. But I don't know if that is going to happen. Because this case is so odd and since God told me He was going to do something new, there is a part of me that wants to think she will be forever mine. That this is the year I can finally begin the adoption process. I want the "something new" to be my forever family. (I wouldn't mind if God decided that my single days were over either. ;) )
I guess that is where trust comes into play. I have to trust God to take care of me and all of my other girls. Either God is big enough or He isn't. I choose to believe He is big enough. Being a foster parent has been the hardest thing I have ever done. And the scariest. Thankfully, God has been with me every step of the way.
I'm glad I didn't let fear keep me from saying yes to Little One. I love her dearly. I enjoy taking care of her. I can't imagine life without her. If I had let fear win, I would have missed out on being a mom to the most beautiful baby who has stolen my heart.
Then the first several days of the new year, God began speaking to me. He gave me Isaiah 43:18-19 "Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." If the foster care system could be compared to anything, a wilderness and a desert would be fitting. I felt like He was encouraging me to keep going. He was going to do something new this year. He was going to make a way where it seemed hopeless. A day or two after He gave me this passage, at church God clearly told me repeatedly not to live in fear. I don't need to be afraid of the unknown or make decisions out of fear. I needed to live fearlessly. I KNEW God was telling me to continue being a foster parent.
One day later, my phone rang in the evening. It was my agency. They wanted to know if I was interested in taking a newborn baby girl? Immediately, with no hesitation, I said yes! I knew very little about her situation. They had very few details. Due to several things, she ended up not being placed with me that night, but she came to me the next day. My agency and I asked more questions, trying to get a handle on the case. We were greeted with little information and several "I don't know"s. I know the least amount on this child's case then any other before her.
Even now, what will happen with Little One is a mystery. It is early in the case. Not much is going to be known. Normally, I have this overwhelmingly strong sense of urgency to know all the details of the case ASAP. This time, not as much. I definitely want to know what is going to happen. However, I feel more calm about it all.
I've only had Little One two weeks. I feel myself being hesitant to think more than a week out. I want to dream long term, but part of me is scared to do that. God keeps reminding not to live in fear, to dream big. What I really want to do is dream a life that will include Little One being with me forever. But I don't know if that is going to happen. Because this case is so odd and since God told me He was going to do something new, there is a part of me that wants to think she will be forever mine. That this is the year I can finally begin the adoption process. I want the "something new" to be my forever family. (I wouldn't mind if God decided that my single days were over either. ;) )
I guess that is where trust comes into play. I have to trust God to take care of me and all of my other girls. Either God is big enough or He isn't. I choose to believe He is big enough. Being a foster parent has been the hardest thing I have ever done. And the scariest. Thankfully, God has been with me every step of the way.
I'm glad I didn't let fear keep me from saying yes to Little One. I love her dearly. I enjoy taking care of her. I can't imagine life without her. If I had let fear win, I would have missed out on being a mom to the most beautiful baby who has stolen my heart.
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