2013 in Review

It is blowing my mind that 2014 is so close!  I had to write the date for the first time the other day, and my mind kept thinking how odd it looked.  I've been thinking about this last year a lot.  There have been some life changing things and unexpected experiences.  It leaves me wondering what will 2014 hold?

Before we step into the next year, I thought I would review this last year.  The good.  The bad.  The ugly. The previously unblogged details.  Let me grab a glass of eggnog before I continue.

The year started out with very little sleep.  My two girls had been with me for less than 2 months.  We were struggling to develop some sort of sleeping patterns that allowed me to get more than 4 hours of sleep each night.  I was a mess.  However, after making some changes that were difficult, the girls were sleeping through the night more frequently by February.  The lack of sleep phase is one I do not want to repeat.  It wasn't just the loss of sleep that made life hard; it was dealing with all of the emotional issues of my children while I was exhausted.  It is hard to think clearly when your brain isn't working any more.

In February, I took a little break during my birthday.  I left my girls with an approved and trusted family for a few days.  I went to San Antonio and relaxed with friends.  It was a much needed break.  I felt so much more human afterwards.  Going into the weekend, I was wondering if I had anything left to give to my girls. Once I had time to refill my love bucket with friend time, I knew I would be able to face what was to come.

The Spring found me potty training the oldest and dealing with a lot of illness with the same child.  It was rough.  We ended up having appointments with specialists that led to a common childhood surgery.  Watching my little one go through this was so hard!  I didn't like seeing her in pain.  The recovery process was short, but it caused me to miss two weeks of work.  It was another reminder that being a single parent is very difficult.  I was the only one that could help my little girl, and I was the only one who would be bringing home a paycheck.

During the same time, I received a medical diagnosis that was not surprising but still frustrating.  It was hard to hear, but having a name for the issue helped give us a direction for dealing with the problem. Not much later, I started having other health issues pop up.  I was visiting doctors and specialists way more than I ever wanted.  It was during an appointment for one thing that a sonogram was done. Everything seemed fine at the time.  However, a few days later, I got the dreaded phone call.  The one were the doctor says we found something and now we need to test for cancer.  I was floored.  Shocked.  Scared.  Devastated.  It was going to be a week before the biopsy could be done.  A week of torturing myself.  Then the day came for the procedure.  I was incredibly tense.  Once it was done though, I went to my car and cried.  Tears of release.  The waiting for the test was done.  Now the waiting for the results to come in.  That was the longest, hardest 4 days ever.  I just knew it was going to be positive for cancer.

At the same time as I was waiting to hear if I had cancer, I was waiting to hear what was going to happen with my girls.  Almost every other week, I was getting different answers.  Yes, they were going.  No, they were staying.  Just joking.  They really are going, but we don't know when.  Oh wait, they could go soon.  Like next month soon.  Never mind, it could be a couple of months.  I didn't know what to believe!  I was going crazy.  The conflicting information left me confused.  I felt like God told me to live in today, to go ahead and make plans for them, and He would take care of the timing of their leaving.  So I did.

As soon as I had peace about my girls, I would be in tail spin about whether or not I had cancer.  I didn't sleep much while I waited for that phone call.  Then finally, the call came.  My hands were shaking as I answered my phone.  The nurse on the other line said the words I did not expect to hear, "The biopsy came back clean.  There is no cancer."  I kept repeating what she said.  It was a short phone call that made the huge weight lift off my shoulders.  I cried again.  Tears of joy.  The first thing I did was text my bff.  She was anxiously waiting to hear the results.  As I'm typing this, I could cry again.  I keep praising God that I don't have cancer!

Then the next thing you know, the summer is heading towards an end.  My friend, Kimberly, joined me and my girls on a trip to the Dallas Zoo.  It turns out this adventure would be just days before they go home.  In August, they went back to their bio family.  It was heart wrenching.  I honestly thought I would never see them again.  I told my agency to take me off their list for a while, and if they called me it better only be about a baby girl.  I did get several calls.  And for one reason or another, I didn't get any of those babies.

In October, I was able to go visit my beautiful sister April and her family.  It was so good to spend time with them.  And wouldn't you know, about a week after being back from my vacation, I got a call asking if I would take in two little girls.  My babies. I was blown away.  I said yes, of course!

Since then, we have been working on rebuilding our family connection.  In many ways, it feels like they never left.  We have a routine that works for us.  I love them dearly.  They have grown so much in every area of their lives.  I feel privileged to walk through life with them.

We had a great Thanksgiving and Christmas with family.  My girls love playing with their "cousins".  My family loves on them as if they are a permanent fixture.  It does my heart good.  Just today, my oldest niece was counting the number of grand kids; and she included mine.  Loved it!

We still don't know what will happen with them.  It will be March before we know.  We could use your prayers.  I'm praying for God's will, not man's.  There are so many people involved in this case.  It would be very easy for one person's agenda to cloud the judgement of others.

2013 was a whirlwind.  I'm hoping for some calm winds and lots of joy for 2014.

Christmas

I can hardly believe that Christmas is next week!  I don't feel ready at all.  Between the ice storm and a late Thanksgiving, I haven't had much time to do any preparations.  Sadly, it looks like I will be out with the masses on Saturday finishing up some last minute things.  The last month has been tough financially.  Those that say they do foster care for the money, well, I don't get it.  It takes sooo long to get reimbursed for anything.  Not going to lie.  It has stressed me out.  However, I know I don't need to worry. God always provides.  Bills get paid.  My girls always have what they need.  I'm blessed with an agency, CASA volunteers, and family who will all make sure my girls have a crazy big Christmas.  Add the things I've purchased for them and my girls will think excess is normal.  :)  Which I totally don't mind.

This year my girls are understanding a little bit more about Jesus and the importance of this holiday.  I love hearing them talk about baby Jesus.  I love how my 3 year old has put together the fact that baby Jesus grew up to die on the cross for the bad things we have all done.  It has been a wonderful journey to share with both of them the joy of Jesus and all He has done for us.

I'm not doing Santa Claus with my girls.  I know that may sound crazy to some.  However, I have spent the last year building trust with my girls.  I have promised my oldest many times that I would never lie to her.  I don't feel like I can tell her that Santa is real.  I don't want to tell her a lie.  She believes everything I say.  Everything.  I can't destroy such a beautiful trust by telling her that Santa is real, and then in a few years having to let her know that he isn't.  I want her to believe in the unseen.  I want her to believe in Someone bigger than herself.  I want her to believe that there are great mysterious happenings called miracles.  But I want her to believe those things about Jesus.  A real Person.  A real God.  A real Savior.  He is the one who provides for us.  He is the one who is watching our every move to see if we are "naughty or nice".  I don't want her to think that Christmas is about being good to get presents.  I want her to know the true beauty of Christmas is about a baby King who came to save us.  

Ok, ok.  I will get off my soap box.  :)

I never would have thought that I would be privileged to get to have these girls for another Christmas.  We still don't know for sure what the future holds for them or me.  But I have peace about the decisions I've been asked to make regarding their long term care.  Hopefully, in the months to come, I will be able to share more about that with you.