I haven't written in a while. I've thought about writing several times. However, I've been too afraid to write because I'm concerned it will come across as depressing. My emotions have continued to be all over the place since the girls left. Thirteen weeks have passed. Our contact has been dwindling. I've been floundering trying to figure out what to do. I'm currently on hold with my agency. Fortunately, they've been really good about letting me take my leave of absence. I've needed the space to mourn and figure out what is next.
My options are two fold right now. #1 Continue being on hold until mid-September, which is what I had originally told my agency. Or #2 go back to an active status and wait until another child arrives. You wouldn't think that this was such a big decision to make, but for me it is. I'm on hold because I was waiting to see how my girls would do with their bio family. It appears that their situation will be permanent. I don't know that for a fact nor will I know it for a fact until September. But it appears to be so. Since that is the case, it should be an easy decision to move on and open my home to another child. Right? I wish it was. Truthfully, opening my home to another child means that my two beautiful girls are really truly gone. It is another level of grieving and letting go.
Over the last couple of weeks, God has been working in my heart. I've been in such a state of worry and concern over my girls. He has been tapping on my heart trying to speak to me, trying to get me to listen to what He is saying. I've been stubborn. I knew there was a good chance that He would say something I didn't want to hear. And I was right. He told me to let go of my girls. He would take care of them no matter where they are. Surrendering my will and my desires to Him has always been a struggle for me. Like I said. I'm stubborn. Hearing Him ask me to let them go made my physical heart hurt and my lungs to stop working for a moment. I feel like He is wanting me and gently pushing me to be willing to have another child in my home. As much as I love children, this seems like an easy thing to do.
This whole process of becoming a foster parent and saying yes to children at different times has been one continuous act of obedience. Now, I'm standing here with a fork in the road. I feel like I could do either one and be ok. And yet, even as I type these words I feel His prompting to be willing to step out again. To say yes again to His calling. I'm so scared to say yes again. So scared to love with all my heart and have a child leave again. I'm crying as I compose this blog. I want my girls back so desperately. But I have to remember that God sees the big picture. I only see in part. He knows what the future holds I do not. He is bigger than my fears. His LOVE is bigger than mine. He can take care of those beautiful little ones better than I can.
Surrender doesn't come naturally to me. Surrender feels like quitting. I know there is a difference, but my heart doesn't feel it. I never want my girls to think I quit loving them or wanting them. That if I move on and have other little ones, it doesn't mean that there isn't room for them in my heart any more. I'm not sure how to convey that to a 4 year old and a 2 year old.
So I guess, sometime soonish, I will be calling my agency and asking to be active again. When I will make that call, I'm not sure. All I know is that I have to act in obedience, one step at a time. Surrender and obey. Two of the most difficult words in the English language. With God's help, I can do this.
