I've been a foster parent for 3 years now. Three years! It doesn't sound like much, and yet it feels like forever all at the same time. The average length of time for someone to be a foster parent is around 2 years. I honestly never thought I would make it to 3 years. I thought I would have adopted by now, and my time as a foster parent would be over. However, that hasn't been the case. I'm not anywhere closer to adopting now then I was 3 years ago when I started. It is frustrating.
I had been praying for a Christmas present in the form of a baby. In the most unusual way, it happened. I was chosen to be Brown Eye's foster mom. I was excited!! Due to her situation, I was able to see her several times before she came to me. This helped greatly with the bonding process! When she came to my house, I was not a complete stranger. She stole my heart in the blink of an eye. I loved everything about her! Then out of the blue, after being with me only a week, I was told she was going to a family member. I was shocked! I had been told at placement that family wasn't an option. I was given two hours notice. I bawled my eyes out. It was hard to breath. I couldn't believe she was going to a questionable situation. I couldn't believe I was losing another child. It was too much for me. And this would happen just the day before Christmas Eve.
Between Brown Eyes, Baby Cakes, and my other girls, I'm not too sure if I want to continue being a foster parent. I love the children! But I HATE the system. I haven't had very many positive experiences where I thought good decisions were being made for the children. The last few days, I keep asking myself what would I do if my agency called with another baby? So far, there has been little desire to say yes to another placement. If they could guarantee me that I would be able to adopt the child, then we would have a different answer. I want to adopt. I want to help children. It seems that I can't really do my part if the system is going to continue to make poor decisions. It is because of cases like Brown Eye's that many foster parents quit. They feel like what they are doing is pointless. We work hard to bond with the child and to meet their needs. Then someone else comes along to make a decision that is usually not the best.
Foster parents are frequently painted as money hungry people who do not care for the children. That isn't always the case. More often than not, they are doing it because they love little ones and want to help them. The state acts like we are the plague and works hard to get kids out of our homes as quickly as possible. Even if it means moving them to an iffy family member or returning them to their parents who aren't ready. I wish people knew the true horrors of the foster care system and CPS. Then maybe, just maybe, there would be someone who would take up the cause of the child and fight for them!!! The hard part about getting out the truth is that it is tied to stories that are to be kept confidential. How does one sound the alarm and keep the privacy laws at the same time?
I find it difficult to want to work with a system that protects the rights of the parents, who have hurt innocent ones, over the children. I've seen so much evil in the last 3 years. It hurts me to my core. I've had to frequently go to Jesus and ask Him to help me forgive those who hurt the little ones. It would be so easy for me to become angry, bitter, hateful, and completely jaded over all I have experienced. With the help of God and the constant prodding of the Holy Spirit, I have to daily forgive and remember that vengeance is God's.
If you think about me, pray for me. I really want to quit being a foster parent. I do not have the release to do so yet. So I need a heart change. I need to find a way to move beyond the pain. I'm hoping, that if I do take another placement, it will be my last one and a forever child. It will take all of God's grace and strength to keep going. I will if He wants me to. I just need that prodding to do so.
Please forgive me if this blog sounds very down and perhaps angry. I've been trying to process so much. I am also trying to figure out how to balance the truth of what is going on without giving too many details. It is a hard thing to do.
**Disclaimer** I do realize that not all CPS workers are awful. I'm sure there are some great people out there who work hard to keep children safe. I do also acknowledge that many of them are also frustrated with the broken system. I do not hate the social workers. It is the system I greatly dislike.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Thursday, December 4, 2014
This year has been unbelievably difficult for me. If I were to title 2014, it might be called "The Year of Disappointment and Grieving". Sounds like a winner doesn't it? I have lost so much. I have questioned God. I have cried more tears than I thought possible. I have been broken. I have wrestled with the lack of answers and understanding. I have struggled to find joy in the day to day things. It is has been rough to say the least.
One of the many odd parts of this year is that I haven't had children in my house very much. I had my two girls until the end of March, and then I went on hold to find out what was going to happen with them. Once I went off hold, I figured I would be busy again. I've only had one placement since my girls left, and she was only with me for 5 weeks! I have been by myself more than anything. My house is very quiet. I used to love a quiet house. Now, it bothers me. I miss the noise of little ones. My last baby left almost ten weeks ago. I've had several calls; but for one reason or another, they weren't placed with me. With empty beds and empty arms, my heart has been aching. I haven't felt much like a mom. A mom needs children to love on.
A couple of weeks ago, I was wondering why I've had so much down time?? My agency loves me. I'm a "seasoned" foster parent. (Yes, according to my agency 3 years makes you seasoned. I still feel like a newbie though.) Anyway, as I was generally wondering about this, I sensed the Holy Spirit whisper to me that the reason for this down time was to give me time to heal. Yes, I did need time to heal. It has been difficult for me to put into words how much pain the loss of my girls has caused me. I know it might be hard for people to understand the depths of grieving over the loss of children that weren't truly mine to begin with. See, the thing is I had already determined in my heart that they would be mine forever. I had already told all the powers-that-be that I would be their forever mom. When I said yes to adoption, it was like my heart and mind shifted from temporary to forever thinking. Then when I found out that they weren't going to be mine after all, I was grieving the hopes and dreams for our futures, as well as for the girls. I had names picked out for them! In my heart, in every way possible, they were mine! And I needed time to heal from this loss. It still hurts very much. My heart is raw and tender still. I think about the girls every single day.
And yet, even though I miss them with every fiber in my being, I very much want to open my home to another child. It is exciting to think about loving another child and showing them what family really is. To give you an idea as to how much I'm anticipating a phone call from my agency, I will tell you a little secret. My phone is never out of my site! It goes with me every where!! It is beside me when I'm sleeping. It is on my desk at work. It is in my pocket when I'm out and about. And yes, it is with me when I go to the bathroom. I frequently check the ringer volume to make sure it is at the loudest setting. You do not want to miss a call from your agency! They might call someone else, and you could miss out! It might sound crazy to most of you, but other foster/adoptive people out there understand. :)
I would love to end this year on a high note. I'm hoping and praying to have a baby in my house before Christmas. Celebrating Christmas with children is the best! I was blessed to be able to celebrate two holiday seasons with my girls. I'm hoping to be able to show another child the wonders of Christmas this year. I'm ready to be a mom again.
God has given me much grace during this season of loss and grief. He reminds me frequently that He hasn't forgotten me or my girls. He keeps reminding me to rest in Him, and let Him take the heavy load I've been bearing. Even though I haven't really enjoyed this time in my life, I have learned a lot.
***If you know a foster parent, ask them if they need anything this Christmas. Usually, between our agencies, CASA, and even CPS, the kids get many presents at Christmas. (which is awesome!) Ask if the children need anything. If they don't, then ask what the foster parent needs. As parents in general, we tend to not express our needs/desires to ensure that the children have all that they need. Maybe they could use a hot meal that isn't fast food and they didn't have to cook. Or maybe get them a gift card to a grocery store. Be creative. :) It wouldn't take much to bless them.
One of the many odd parts of this year is that I haven't had children in my house very much. I had my two girls until the end of March, and then I went on hold to find out what was going to happen with them. Once I went off hold, I figured I would be busy again. I've only had one placement since my girls left, and she was only with me for 5 weeks! I have been by myself more than anything. My house is very quiet. I used to love a quiet house. Now, it bothers me. I miss the noise of little ones. My last baby left almost ten weeks ago. I've had several calls; but for one reason or another, they weren't placed with me. With empty beds and empty arms, my heart has been aching. I haven't felt much like a mom. A mom needs children to love on.
A couple of weeks ago, I was wondering why I've had so much down time?? My agency loves me. I'm a "seasoned" foster parent. (Yes, according to my agency 3 years makes you seasoned. I still feel like a newbie though.) Anyway, as I was generally wondering about this, I sensed the Holy Spirit whisper to me that the reason for this down time was to give me time to heal. Yes, I did need time to heal. It has been difficult for me to put into words how much pain the loss of my girls has caused me. I know it might be hard for people to understand the depths of grieving over the loss of children that weren't truly mine to begin with. See, the thing is I had already determined in my heart that they would be mine forever. I had already told all the powers-that-be that I would be their forever mom. When I said yes to adoption, it was like my heart and mind shifted from temporary to forever thinking. Then when I found out that they weren't going to be mine after all, I was grieving the hopes and dreams for our futures, as well as for the girls. I had names picked out for them! In my heart, in every way possible, they were mine! And I needed time to heal from this loss. It still hurts very much. My heart is raw and tender still. I think about the girls every single day.
And yet, even though I miss them with every fiber in my being, I very much want to open my home to another child. It is exciting to think about loving another child and showing them what family really is. To give you an idea as to how much I'm anticipating a phone call from my agency, I will tell you a little secret. My phone is never out of my site! It goes with me every where!! It is beside me when I'm sleeping. It is on my desk at work. It is in my pocket when I'm out and about. And yes, it is with me when I go to the bathroom. I frequently check the ringer volume to make sure it is at the loudest setting. You do not want to miss a call from your agency! They might call someone else, and you could miss out! It might sound crazy to most of you, but other foster/adoptive people out there understand. :)
I would love to end this year on a high note. I'm hoping and praying to have a baby in my house before Christmas. Celebrating Christmas with children is the best! I was blessed to be able to celebrate two holiday seasons with my girls. I'm hoping to be able to show another child the wonders of Christmas this year. I'm ready to be a mom again.
God has given me much grace during this season of loss and grief. He reminds me frequently that He hasn't forgotten me or my girls. He keeps reminding me to rest in Him, and let Him take the heavy load I've been bearing. Even though I haven't really enjoyed this time in my life, I have learned a lot.
***If you know a foster parent, ask them if they need anything this Christmas. Usually, between our agencies, CASA, and even CPS, the kids get many presents at Christmas. (which is awesome!) Ask if the children need anything. If they don't, then ask what the foster parent needs. As parents in general, we tend to not express our needs/desires to ensure that the children have all that they need. Maybe they could use a hot meal that isn't fast food and they didn't have to cook. Or maybe get them a gift card to a grocery store. Be creative. :) It wouldn't take much to bless them.
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