Last Sunday, my pastor preached a sermon I've heard before. When you've been going to church for a few decades every single Sunday, some sermons begin to sound similar. However, there was a twist to it. He was talking about the importance of forgiveness. Part of me started to tune him out. I've heard dozens of sermons on forgiveness. I know that while Jesus was on the cross He asked that God would forgive those who were hurting Him. I knew that in my head, but I never thought about the cost of those words. My pastor pointed out the physical effort and pain it took Jesus to utter those words. If Jesus, in the midst of the worst pain ever imaginable barely even able to breathe, can forgive those who are killing Him, how can I not forgive others? He literally had to cause Himself pain to take in oxygen. He used His last moments on those who hated Him. Wow! I never really thought of forgiveness in that light before.
We were going to take communion in that service. As I was pausing to search my heart before taking the elements, I knew I couldn't take part at that time. Flashes of people's name and faces were going across my mind. People I needed to forgive. Honestly, there was a part of me that didn't want to forgive. I wrestled with what God was asking me. You see God was asking me to forgive the bio parents of my foster kids. Forgive them for neglecting, hurting, or putting children in harms way. Then the CPS workers who have failed the children went through my mind. And God said to forgive them too. Tears were pouring down my face. I couldn't carry this burden any more. I had to forgive them.
Then I had a week like this last one. All the anger and rage at the failing foster care system came roaring back to life. You see, a dear friend of mine who is also a foster parent, had some pretty wretched things happen this week. Things that I can't share because it isn't my story to tell. But still, I was feeling all the feelings for her. I wanted to scream at the decision makers who were being ridiculous. I wanted to cry for the child who was going to experience yet more trauma because CPS made an irresponsible decision. This feeling of helplessness washed over me. AND I HATE FEELING HELPLESS!!! It makes me feel small and vulnerable. I do everything I can to not be helpless. I was crying and yelling my prayers towards God. Wondering how much more of this senselessness I could handle. And yet I knew, how I was feeling was probably just a fraction of the emotions my friend was experiencing.
Part of the reason I am so anxious to have the adoption finalized is because I don't trust the system. I am very much concerned that some random person will decide to move her and give her to another family. It might seem like a crazy thought to anyone outside of the system. But those who have lived and breathed foster care, especially for as long as I have, you don't trust anything anyone tells you until it comes from the judge's mouth. I won't be able to fully relax until the adoption court date.
Back to the point... Today, God said I had to forgive those people who hurt my friend and made bad decisions for the child. I have to forgive them. I can't let anger and hate eat my soul. It is hard to forgive those who hurt the innocent, those who can't fight for themselves. As a foster parent, we go into thinking we will help these children who have been wounded. We quickly discover that sometimes the system does just as much damage as the bio family. We don't have as much of a voice as we think we will. We aren't always allowed to be the voice for the children. We are silenced and treated like dirt.
And yet, we must forgive them. I must forgive them. I must surrender my anger and let God do His thing. It isn't easy. But neither is asking your Father to forgive those who have nailed you to a cross. If He can forgive them, then I must find a way to forgive.
God, You know my heart is to follow and serve You. Help me to love like You do. Help me to forgive like You do. Let my ears hear the whispers of the Holy Spirit. Jesus, I forgive the parents. I forgive the CPS workers who have made poor choices. I forgive the judges who have approved horrific plans. I surrender them to You.
Forgiving isn't always easy. But it frees me. And I like living in freedom.
