I've been a foster parent for 3 years now. Three years! It doesn't sound like much, and yet it feels like forever all at the same time. The average length of time for someone to be a foster parent is around 2 years. I honestly never thought I would make it to 3 years. I thought I would have adopted by now, and my time as a foster parent would be over. However, that hasn't been the case. I'm not anywhere closer to adopting now then I was 3 years ago when I started. It is frustrating.
I had been praying for a Christmas present in the form of a baby. In the most unusual way, it happened. I was chosen to be Brown Eye's foster mom. I was excited!! Due to her situation, I was able to see her several times before she came to me. This helped greatly with the bonding process! When she came to my house, I was not a complete stranger. She stole my heart in the blink of an eye. I loved everything about her! Then out of the blue, after being with me only a week, I was told she was going to a family member. I was shocked! I had been told at placement that family wasn't an option. I was given two hours notice. I bawled my eyes out. It was hard to breath. I couldn't believe she was going to a questionable situation. I couldn't believe I was losing another child. It was too much for me. And this would happen just the day before Christmas Eve.
Between Brown Eyes, Baby Cakes, and my other girls, I'm not too sure if I want to continue being a foster parent. I love the children! But I HATE the system. I haven't had very many positive experiences where I thought good decisions were being made for the children. The last few days, I keep asking myself what would I do if my agency called with another baby? So far, there has been little desire to say yes to another placement. If they could guarantee me that I would be able to adopt the child, then we would have a different answer. I want to adopt. I want to help children. It seems that I can't really do my part if the system is going to continue to make poor decisions. It is because of cases like Brown Eye's that many foster parents quit. They feel like what they are doing is pointless. We work hard to bond with the child and to meet their needs. Then someone else comes along to make a decision that is usually not the best.
Foster parents are frequently painted as money hungry people who do not care for the children. That isn't always the case. More often than not, they are doing it because they love little ones and want to help them. The state acts like we are the plague and works hard to get kids out of our homes as quickly as possible. Even if it means moving them to an iffy family member or returning them to their parents who aren't ready. I wish people knew the true horrors of the foster care system and CPS. Then maybe, just maybe, there would be someone who would take up the cause of the child and fight for them!!! The hard part about getting out the truth is that it is tied to stories that are to be kept confidential. How does one sound the alarm and keep the privacy laws at the same time?
I find it difficult to want to work with a system that protects the rights of the parents, who have hurt innocent ones, over the children. I've seen so much evil in the last 3 years. It hurts me to my core. I've had to frequently go to Jesus and ask Him to help me forgive those who hurt the little ones. It would be so easy for me to become angry, bitter, hateful, and completely jaded over all I have experienced. With the help of God and the constant prodding of the Holy Spirit, I have to daily forgive and remember that vengeance is God's.
If you think about me, pray for me. I really want to quit being a foster parent. I do not have the release to do so yet. So I need a heart change. I need to find a way to move beyond the pain. I'm hoping, that if I do take another placement, it will be my last one and a forever child. It will take all of God's grace and strength to keep going. I will if He wants me to. I just need that prodding to do so.
Please forgive me if this blog sounds very down and perhaps angry. I've been trying to process so much. I am also trying to figure out how to balance the truth of what is going on without giving too many details. It is a hard thing to do.
**Disclaimer** I do realize that not all CPS workers are awful. I'm sure there are some great people out there who work hard to keep children safe. I do also acknowledge that many of them are also frustrated with the broken system. I do not hate the social workers. It is the system I greatly dislike.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Thursday, December 4, 2014
This year has been unbelievably difficult for me. If I were to title 2014, it might be called "The Year of Disappointment and Grieving". Sounds like a winner doesn't it? I have lost so much. I have questioned God. I have cried more tears than I thought possible. I have been broken. I have wrestled with the lack of answers and understanding. I have struggled to find joy in the day to day things. It is has been rough to say the least.
One of the many odd parts of this year is that I haven't had children in my house very much. I had my two girls until the end of March, and then I went on hold to find out what was going to happen with them. Once I went off hold, I figured I would be busy again. I've only had one placement since my girls left, and she was only with me for 5 weeks! I have been by myself more than anything. My house is very quiet. I used to love a quiet house. Now, it bothers me. I miss the noise of little ones. My last baby left almost ten weeks ago. I've had several calls; but for one reason or another, they weren't placed with me. With empty beds and empty arms, my heart has been aching. I haven't felt much like a mom. A mom needs children to love on.
A couple of weeks ago, I was wondering why I've had so much down time?? My agency loves me. I'm a "seasoned" foster parent. (Yes, according to my agency 3 years makes you seasoned. I still feel like a newbie though.) Anyway, as I was generally wondering about this, I sensed the Holy Spirit whisper to me that the reason for this down time was to give me time to heal. Yes, I did need time to heal. It has been difficult for me to put into words how much pain the loss of my girls has caused me. I know it might be hard for people to understand the depths of grieving over the loss of children that weren't truly mine to begin with. See, the thing is I had already determined in my heart that they would be mine forever. I had already told all the powers-that-be that I would be their forever mom. When I said yes to adoption, it was like my heart and mind shifted from temporary to forever thinking. Then when I found out that they weren't going to be mine after all, I was grieving the hopes and dreams for our futures, as well as for the girls. I had names picked out for them! In my heart, in every way possible, they were mine! And I needed time to heal from this loss. It still hurts very much. My heart is raw and tender still. I think about the girls every single day.
And yet, even though I miss them with every fiber in my being, I very much want to open my home to another child. It is exciting to think about loving another child and showing them what family really is. To give you an idea as to how much I'm anticipating a phone call from my agency, I will tell you a little secret. My phone is never out of my site! It goes with me every where!! It is beside me when I'm sleeping. It is on my desk at work. It is in my pocket when I'm out and about. And yes, it is with me when I go to the bathroom. I frequently check the ringer volume to make sure it is at the loudest setting. You do not want to miss a call from your agency! They might call someone else, and you could miss out! It might sound crazy to most of you, but other foster/adoptive people out there understand. :)
I would love to end this year on a high note. I'm hoping and praying to have a baby in my house before Christmas. Celebrating Christmas with children is the best! I was blessed to be able to celebrate two holiday seasons with my girls. I'm hoping to be able to show another child the wonders of Christmas this year. I'm ready to be a mom again.
God has given me much grace during this season of loss and grief. He reminds me frequently that He hasn't forgotten me or my girls. He keeps reminding me to rest in Him, and let Him take the heavy load I've been bearing. Even though I haven't really enjoyed this time in my life, I have learned a lot.
***If you know a foster parent, ask them if they need anything this Christmas. Usually, between our agencies, CASA, and even CPS, the kids get many presents at Christmas. (which is awesome!) Ask if the children need anything. If they don't, then ask what the foster parent needs. As parents in general, we tend to not express our needs/desires to ensure that the children have all that they need. Maybe they could use a hot meal that isn't fast food and they didn't have to cook. Or maybe get them a gift card to a grocery store. Be creative. :) It wouldn't take much to bless them.
One of the many odd parts of this year is that I haven't had children in my house very much. I had my two girls until the end of March, and then I went on hold to find out what was going to happen with them. Once I went off hold, I figured I would be busy again. I've only had one placement since my girls left, and she was only with me for 5 weeks! I have been by myself more than anything. My house is very quiet. I used to love a quiet house. Now, it bothers me. I miss the noise of little ones. My last baby left almost ten weeks ago. I've had several calls; but for one reason or another, they weren't placed with me. With empty beds and empty arms, my heart has been aching. I haven't felt much like a mom. A mom needs children to love on.
A couple of weeks ago, I was wondering why I've had so much down time?? My agency loves me. I'm a "seasoned" foster parent. (Yes, according to my agency 3 years makes you seasoned. I still feel like a newbie though.) Anyway, as I was generally wondering about this, I sensed the Holy Spirit whisper to me that the reason for this down time was to give me time to heal. Yes, I did need time to heal. It has been difficult for me to put into words how much pain the loss of my girls has caused me. I know it might be hard for people to understand the depths of grieving over the loss of children that weren't truly mine to begin with. See, the thing is I had already determined in my heart that they would be mine forever. I had already told all the powers-that-be that I would be their forever mom. When I said yes to adoption, it was like my heart and mind shifted from temporary to forever thinking. Then when I found out that they weren't going to be mine after all, I was grieving the hopes and dreams for our futures, as well as for the girls. I had names picked out for them! In my heart, in every way possible, they were mine! And I needed time to heal from this loss. It still hurts very much. My heart is raw and tender still. I think about the girls every single day.
And yet, even though I miss them with every fiber in my being, I very much want to open my home to another child. It is exciting to think about loving another child and showing them what family really is. To give you an idea as to how much I'm anticipating a phone call from my agency, I will tell you a little secret. My phone is never out of my site! It goes with me every where!! It is beside me when I'm sleeping. It is on my desk at work. It is in my pocket when I'm out and about. And yes, it is with me when I go to the bathroom. I frequently check the ringer volume to make sure it is at the loudest setting. You do not want to miss a call from your agency! They might call someone else, and you could miss out! It might sound crazy to most of you, but other foster/adoptive people out there understand. :)
I would love to end this year on a high note. I'm hoping and praying to have a baby in my house before Christmas. Celebrating Christmas with children is the best! I was blessed to be able to celebrate two holiday seasons with my girls. I'm hoping to be able to show another child the wonders of Christmas this year. I'm ready to be a mom again.
God has given me much grace during this season of loss and grief. He reminds me frequently that He hasn't forgotten me or my girls. He keeps reminding me to rest in Him, and let Him take the heavy load I've been bearing. Even though I haven't really enjoyed this time in my life, I have learned a lot.
***If you know a foster parent, ask them if they need anything this Christmas. Usually, between our agencies, CASA, and even CPS, the kids get many presents at Christmas. (which is awesome!) Ask if the children need anything. If they don't, then ask what the foster parent needs. As parents in general, we tend to not express our needs/desires to ensure that the children have all that they need. Maybe they could use a hot meal that isn't fast food and they didn't have to cook. Or maybe get them a gift card to a grocery store. Be creative. :) It wouldn't take much to bless them.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Realizing that God isn't against me
God has been speaking to me, trying to get my attention. The song "You Make Me Brave" by Bethel Music has been playing on repeat for over a week now. Then on Sunday, my church sang the song. It was basically the backdrop of what my pastor was going to be speaking on. Obviously, God was wanting me to take the lyrics seriously. He wanted me capture what He was saying to my heart.
The words from the chorus are the following:
As Your love, in wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You made a way for all to enter in
Read more: Bethel Music - You Make Me Brave Lyrics | MetroLyrics :
I hear those words and know why God wants me to take them to heart. I've been feeling like people or things are against me, that no one is on my side. It sounds silly to say, very middle school ish. But when I keep saying yes to children and I don't get picked, I begin to wonder why. Is it me? Is it because I need daycare? Is it because I'm not a stay at home mom? Is it because I'm not married? All of these things are outside of my control. I can't just change them over night. And with the foster care redesign happening in Texas, I don't know what is going on... It is all leaving me feeling a bit like last place. Like the kid no one wants on their team.
Then I hear the words "For You are for us, You are not against us. Champion of Heaven..." God whispers in my ear, "I'm for you! I'm on your side! You are doing exactly what I've asked of you." And I fall apart. Tears come to my eyes every time. For some reason, it is hard for me to always believe that the Champion of Heaven, the One who died for me, is always on my side. He wants to see me grow and live life to the fullest. He wants me to listen to the truth of His love and not to the lies that say "You are not good enough." The truth that His love and redemption are all I need.
After those words sink in, the bridge of the song kicks in.
Read more: Bethel Music - You Make Me Brave Lyrics | MetroLyrics
God makes me brave. It is His strength in which I live and love, not my own. He makes me brave enough to open my home to hurting children. I don't need to be afraid of anything. He will give me what I need, when I need it. Every time I'm given another child, He is giving me the opportunity to step beyond the shore line into the deeper waters. Even when the waves are crashing over me, I don't need to fear. He is with me. His love would never abandon me. Being a foster parent is scary hard at times. But every time I hear this song, I will be reminded that God is for me. He isn't fighting against me trying to make my life harder. He loves me. Even when He is calling me to try something different to take a step of faith, He will hold my hand along the way. He won't leave me alone.
I don't feel like I'm conveying well enough the peace that comes with knowing that the Almighty Creator, the Savior of the world is on my side! It is an amazing thought!
Maybe you are feeling overwhelmed with the struggles of this life and you aren't so sure that God is even there. He is here with you, even now. The very fact that the words that you are reading are touching some deep place in your heart shows that God is whispering to you "I'm right here. I'm for you. I love you." Let the Holy Spirit speak to you the words you need to hear. Invite Him into the pain you are experiencing. He won't let you down.
This Sunday is Orphan Sunday. To all my foster and adoptive friends out there, thank you for your love and service to the least of these. I hope you will find peace and joy in knowing that God will give you the love that you need for the little ones in your life. That He will take away the fear of the unknowns and replace it with His perfect love. If you know a foster or adoptive family, this Sunday make a point to hug them. Ask God how you can bless them. And then ask God how He wants you to serve the hurting children.
Finally, if you haven't heard song "You Make Me Brave", look it up. Listen to it a few times. Let the truth of the words penetrate your mind until you believe its truth. :)
The words from the chorus are the following:
As Your love, in wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You made a way for all to enter in
Read more: Bethel Music - You Make Me Brave Lyrics | MetroLyrics :
I hear those words and know why God wants me to take them to heart. I've been feeling like people or things are against me, that no one is on my side. It sounds silly to say, very middle school ish. But when I keep saying yes to children and I don't get picked, I begin to wonder why. Is it me? Is it because I need daycare? Is it because I'm not a stay at home mom? Is it because I'm not married? All of these things are outside of my control. I can't just change them over night. And with the foster care redesign happening in Texas, I don't know what is going on... It is all leaving me feeling a bit like last place. Like the kid no one wants on their team.
Then I hear the words "For You are for us, You are not against us. Champion of Heaven..." God whispers in my ear, "I'm for you! I'm on your side! You are doing exactly what I've asked of you." And I fall apart. Tears come to my eyes every time. For some reason, it is hard for me to always believe that the Champion of Heaven, the One who died for me, is always on my side. He wants to see me grow and live life to the fullest. He wants me to listen to the truth of His love and not to the lies that say "You are not good enough." The truth that His love and redemption are all I need.
After those words sink in, the bridge of the song kicks in.
You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way
Read more: Bethel Music - You Make Me Brave Lyrics | MetroLyrics
God makes me brave. It is His strength in which I live and love, not my own. He makes me brave enough to open my home to hurting children. I don't need to be afraid of anything. He will give me what I need, when I need it. Every time I'm given another child, He is giving me the opportunity to step beyond the shore line into the deeper waters. Even when the waves are crashing over me, I don't need to fear. He is with me. His love would never abandon me. Being a foster parent is scary hard at times. But every time I hear this song, I will be reminded that God is for me. He isn't fighting against me trying to make my life harder. He loves me. Even when He is calling me to try something different to take a step of faith, He will hold my hand along the way. He won't leave me alone.
I don't feel like I'm conveying well enough the peace that comes with knowing that the Almighty Creator, the Savior of the world is on my side! It is an amazing thought!
Maybe you are feeling overwhelmed with the struggles of this life and you aren't so sure that God is even there. He is here with you, even now. The very fact that the words that you are reading are touching some deep place in your heart shows that God is whispering to you "I'm right here. I'm for you. I love you." Let the Holy Spirit speak to you the words you need to hear. Invite Him into the pain you are experiencing. He won't let you down.
This Sunday is Orphan Sunday. To all my foster and adoptive friends out there, thank you for your love and service to the least of these. I hope you will find peace and joy in knowing that God will give you the love that you need for the little ones in your life. That He will take away the fear of the unknowns and replace it with His perfect love. If you know a foster or adoptive family, this Sunday make a point to hug them. Ask God how you can bless them. And then ask God how He wants you to serve the hurting children.
Finally, if you haven't heard song "You Make Me Brave", look it up. Listen to it a few times. Let the truth of the words penetrate your mind until you believe its truth. :)
Monday, September 29, 2014
INSANITY
They say the definition of "insanity" is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. That is kind of how I feel about the foster care system. It is insane! They keep doing the same things expecting different out comes. Even though Texas is in the midst of a "redesign", it won't change the essence of the system or it's main problems.
Truth be told, I feel insane at times for being a foster parent. One has to be off their rocker a little, I think, to do this. :) I keep letting children into my home and my heart, hoping that one of them will be forever mine. It doesn't seem to be working. Hence the insanity.
Just five weeks ago, I opened my home to a beautiful baby girl. And by baby, I mean baby. She was 8 weeks old!! Baby Cakes quickly stole my heart. I have never had a baby before. It was completely different from toddlers. And I loved every minute of it! Ok, maybe I didn't enjoy the screaming fits due to gas troubles; but for the most part, it was fun! I know most moms don't describe having a newborn as fun, but I do! From the beginning, we weren't certain what would happen with her case. The likely hood of her being with me for a while was high. Within three days of having her, I was completely in love. I realized this as I was sitting on my couch at home that one evening. I burst into tears. I knew that she wouldn't be with me forever. Don't ask me how I knew, but I knew. I sobbed as I talked to God about this. I think the hardest part was that everyone said she looked like she could be my biological child. I've always wanted a little one that looks like me. I had hopes that she would be mine forever and my dream would come true. However, a couple of weeks ago, I found out that a distant relative stepped up and wanted to give Baby Cakes a home. They passed the homestudy. Then last week, I found out that today would be Baby Cake's last day with me. I cried when CPS told me. I'm sure they thought I was crazy. I've only had her for 5 weeks, but it only took a few days for me to love her. And I cried again when they came to pick her up this afternoon. The typical questions about her safety, transition, health, security run through my mind.
I've now had 5 children in my home. Every single one of them has a special place in my heart. Every one of them is thought about and prayed over frequently. Every one would be welcomed back into my home. I can't help but wonder will the next one be my forever child? Should I keep on doing this? I realize that I ask myself these questions every time. I almost have to talk myself into doing it again. The pain in my heart is real and deep. I'm not sure if I can handle the insanity of another child coming and going. Then I think about the last 5 weeks with Baby Cakes. I wouldn't trade that time with her for anything. Her time with me was short. She will never remember me. But her name is written on my heart. I will never forget her.
So even though the system is insane, I will try to keep my whits about me as I wait for another little one to love. I'm thankful that I have friends who believe in me and what I'm doing. I'm thankful that I have a church that wants to serve the modern day orphans. I'm thankful that God's love is limitless. I'm hoping my love for children will be limitless too.
In some ways, if you think about it, God is a bit insane too. He keeps loving us unconditionally, hoping we will serve Him and love Him. He never stops pursuing us. Even when we think we know what is best and do our own thing, He is there waiting with open arms. And He does this over and over and over again. Now that is a type of insanity I can get behind! :) I'm incredibly thankful for His love and His faithfulness. Because I know if He loves me that much, He loves the little ones He sends me even more.
If you would, please be praying for Baby Cakes. I am hoping for a smooth transition for her. Also, pray for me. I want to continue to do this as long as God wants me to. I need the mental and emotional strength to do it.
Truth be told, I feel insane at times for being a foster parent. One has to be off their rocker a little, I think, to do this. :) I keep letting children into my home and my heart, hoping that one of them will be forever mine. It doesn't seem to be working. Hence the insanity.
Just five weeks ago, I opened my home to a beautiful baby girl. And by baby, I mean baby. She was 8 weeks old!! Baby Cakes quickly stole my heart. I have never had a baby before. It was completely different from toddlers. And I loved every minute of it! Ok, maybe I didn't enjoy the screaming fits due to gas troubles; but for the most part, it was fun! I know most moms don't describe having a newborn as fun, but I do! From the beginning, we weren't certain what would happen with her case. The likely hood of her being with me for a while was high. Within three days of having her, I was completely in love. I realized this as I was sitting on my couch at home that one evening. I burst into tears. I knew that she wouldn't be with me forever. Don't ask me how I knew, but I knew. I sobbed as I talked to God about this. I think the hardest part was that everyone said she looked like she could be my biological child. I've always wanted a little one that looks like me. I had hopes that she would be mine forever and my dream would come true. However, a couple of weeks ago, I found out that a distant relative stepped up and wanted to give Baby Cakes a home. They passed the homestudy. Then last week, I found out that today would be Baby Cake's last day with me. I cried when CPS told me. I'm sure they thought I was crazy. I've only had her for 5 weeks, but it only took a few days for me to love her. And I cried again when they came to pick her up this afternoon. The typical questions about her safety, transition, health, security run through my mind.
I've now had 5 children in my home. Every single one of them has a special place in my heart. Every one of them is thought about and prayed over frequently. Every one would be welcomed back into my home. I can't help but wonder will the next one be my forever child? Should I keep on doing this? I realize that I ask myself these questions every time. I almost have to talk myself into doing it again. The pain in my heart is real and deep. I'm not sure if I can handle the insanity of another child coming and going. Then I think about the last 5 weeks with Baby Cakes. I wouldn't trade that time with her for anything. Her time with me was short. She will never remember me. But her name is written on my heart. I will never forget her.
So even though the system is insane, I will try to keep my whits about me as I wait for another little one to love. I'm thankful that I have friends who believe in me and what I'm doing. I'm thankful that I have a church that wants to serve the modern day orphans. I'm thankful that God's love is limitless. I'm hoping my love for children will be limitless too.
In some ways, if you think about it, God is a bit insane too. He keeps loving us unconditionally, hoping we will serve Him and love Him. He never stops pursuing us. Even when we think we know what is best and do our own thing, He is there waiting with open arms. And He does this over and over and over again. Now that is a type of insanity I can get behind! :) I'm incredibly thankful for His love and His faithfulness. Because I know if He loves me that much, He loves the little ones He sends me even more.
If you would, please be praying for Baby Cakes. I am hoping for a smooth transition for her. Also, pray for me. I want to continue to do this as long as God wants me to. I need the mental and emotional strength to do it.
Monday, August 11, 2014
The Desire for Forever
Seasons. Journey. Process. What do all three of those things have in common? They are words that frequently describe my life. I can't tell you the number of times I've been told "It's all part of the process. It's about the journey not the destination. All things last only for a season." While these statements are true, they get old fast. Frankly, I get tired of hearing it. And yet, I can't shake the fact they are words I need to hear. As much as I hate it, I have to be reminded that everything is temporary. I think the reason why it gets to me so much is because I crave stability, permanency. The only thing permanent and that will last forever is God. Deep down the reason behind the irritability towards the seasons of my life is that I yearn for eternity with God. Only in Heaven will there be no seasons of life.
But I'm not in Heaven.
This means that I must constantly grow, change, and be on life's journey. It has been a bumpy road full of unexpected events and twists and turns. I've felt lost more than I've felt found. Even in the knowing that I'm heading in the right direction, I frequently wonder if I'm missing something along the way.
Being a foster parent has had more seasons than I anticipated. With every placement we are told to expect the goal to be reunification. This creates an unsettling atmosphere for me. It is the reminder that it is temporary. It is hard to live like that when your heart is forever minded. I want a forever child. My heart wants something that will last.
Despite the statistics of how many children are in foster care, I'm finding it a rather long process (see there is that word again) to foster to adopt. I have been licensed for over 2.5 years. I honestly thought I would have my forever daughter by now. At this rate, it could be another 2 years. This does not bring joy to my heart. I don't relish the fact that heart ache could be around the bend, again. And yet, God reminded me this weekend that this is part of my ministry. This journey of being a foster parent is not one I would have ever anticipated 10 years ago, especially not as a single person. But it is part of the bigger picture of my life. This is the season I'm in now. I more than likely won't be a foster parent forever. I will, at some point in time, adopt. I need to learn to enjoy the now, knowing it is temporal. (It may FEEL like forever though...)
When I became a foster parent, I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. I didn't. I don't think anyone really does. I didn't realize that there were seasons in fostering, but there is. You have the waiting season. The one where your phone is ever by your side because you don't want to miss a call from your agency about a little one. You have the placement season. This is where you learn about your child, and how to meet their needs while not losing your sanity. Then there is the bonding season. This is when hearts are joined together. Felt safety is happening. Children are realizing that you are okay after all. Love begins to blossom. From here the seasons can vary. It might be a difficult season of dealing with the internal wounds the child has received. At some point in time, you will get the information that will bring around a new season. The season of transition. Whether that means preparing yourself and the child for leaving your home or getting ready for forever together. Seasons and change are inevitable. They will come.
Even though I know all of this now and I have more peace about it then before, my heart still yearns for forever. I guess for now, I need to find the joy that comes with being where I am supposed to be and doing what I need to be doing in the here and now. God knows my desires. He will take care of me during this season/journey/process.
But I'm not in Heaven.
This means that I must constantly grow, change, and be on life's journey. It has been a bumpy road full of unexpected events and twists and turns. I've felt lost more than I've felt found. Even in the knowing that I'm heading in the right direction, I frequently wonder if I'm missing something along the way.
Being a foster parent has had more seasons than I anticipated. With every placement we are told to expect the goal to be reunification. This creates an unsettling atmosphere for me. It is the reminder that it is temporary. It is hard to live like that when your heart is forever minded. I want a forever child. My heart wants something that will last.
Despite the statistics of how many children are in foster care, I'm finding it a rather long process (see there is that word again) to foster to adopt. I have been licensed for over 2.5 years. I honestly thought I would have my forever daughter by now. At this rate, it could be another 2 years. This does not bring joy to my heart. I don't relish the fact that heart ache could be around the bend, again. And yet, God reminded me this weekend that this is part of my ministry. This journey of being a foster parent is not one I would have ever anticipated 10 years ago, especially not as a single person. But it is part of the bigger picture of my life. This is the season I'm in now. I more than likely won't be a foster parent forever. I will, at some point in time, adopt. I need to learn to enjoy the now, knowing it is temporal. (It may FEEL like forever though...)
When I became a foster parent, I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. I didn't. I don't think anyone really does. I didn't realize that there were seasons in fostering, but there is. You have the waiting season. The one where your phone is ever by your side because you don't want to miss a call from your agency about a little one. You have the placement season. This is where you learn about your child, and how to meet their needs while not losing your sanity. Then there is the bonding season. This is when hearts are joined together. Felt safety is happening. Children are realizing that you are okay after all. Love begins to blossom. From here the seasons can vary. It might be a difficult season of dealing with the internal wounds the child has received. At some point in time, you will get the information that will bring around a new season. The season of transition. Whether that means preparing yourself and the child for leaving your home or getting ready for forever together. Seasons and change are inevitable. They will come.
Even though I know all of this now and I have more peace about it then before, my heart still yearns for forever. I guess for now, I need to find the joy that comes with being where I am supposed to be and doing what I need to be doing in the here and now. God knows my desires. He will take care of me during this season/journey/process.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Not So Shocking News
It has been an interesting time this last week. I received information that I was expecting, and yet it still came as a shock to me. My girl's case has been closed early due to "lack of evidence" to continue an investigation. Too bad I know that they have evidence. Unfortunately, they decided not to pursue the information that was given to them. They don't seem to care. And by "they" I mean CPS. When I became a foster parent, I wasn't expecting CPS to be so inept. If they get too many cases, they seem to try to get rid of the ones they've had the longest regardless of the situation. What this means for my girls is that CPS will no longer be checking on them. The case is closed.
I've mentioned previously that I have had contact with the girls. However, about a month ago, all communication stopped. It was suddenly and out of the blue. I've asked the bio family if I could say goodbye to them, but they never responded to my request. Not being able to say goodbye has been really hard for me. I told the girls during our last conversation that they would see me again, and we would talk again. I didn't realize that I was lying to them. My heart desperately hopes that they don't feel abandoned by me. I think about them constantly and pray for them daily.
With the arrival of the news about the case being closed and the lack of communication with my girls, my emotions have been all over the place. Numerous tears have been shed. I've been mourning their leaving all over again. In the midst of my deepest pain, God has shown Himself to me repeatedly. He has whispered to my heart words that I needed to hear. He has been healing my heart. It hasn't been an easy process. There are a plethora of questions that my heart and mind have been wrestling with. Questions, that this side of Heaven, I will probably never know the answer to them. God has been reminding me though that He sees the big picture. His arms aren't too short to still work in their lives. He reminded me that just as He calls me His daughter, He is their Father too. He loves them more than I do. He will not abandon them. God will continue to place people in their lives to water the seeds that have been planted. I believe that one day, they will know Jesus personally. I have to believe that.
Over the last month, God has been trying to prepare me for another child. Truthfully, I haven't really wanted to hear that. My heart wants my girls. However, that isn't possible any more. I have to move forward. I could quit being a foster parent altogether. Life would be easier that way. But I can't quit. At least not yet. I have to be obedient to what He is asking of me. This means that on Monday, the 21st, I will go back on the waiting list with my agency. Part of me is excited and ready for a new little one. Then there is the hurting side of me that is nervous to love and possibly let go again. In so many ways, my heart is still raw from this experience. Despite how I feel, I'm moving forward in obedience. I know that any child that is placed with me I will fall in love with quickly. I love children after all. :)
If you would, please pray for me as I enter into this next season. I want to say yes to the right child at the right time. I have requested to be switched to one child only, under a year of age. Guess this means it is time to take out my girls' car seats and put in an infant carrier. :)
I've mentioned previously that I have had contact with the girls. However, about a month ago, all communication stopped. It was suddenly and out of the blue. I've asked the bio family if I could say goodbye to them, but they never responded to my request. Not being able to say goodbye has been really hard for me. I told the girls during our last conversation that they would see me again, and we would talk again. I didn't realize that I was lying to them. My heart desperately hopes that they don't feel abandoned by me. I think about them constantly and pray for them daily.
With the arrival of the news about the case being closed and the lack of communication with my girls, my emotions have been all over the place. Numerous tears have been shed. I've been mourning their leaving all over again. In the midst of my deepest pain, God has shown Himself to me repeatedly. He has whispered to my heart words that I needed to hear. He has been healing my heart. It hasn't been an easy process. There are a plethora of questions that my heart and mind have been wrestling with. Questions, that this side of Heaven, I will probably never know the answer to them. God has been reminding me though that He sees the big picture. His arms aren't too short to still work in their lives. He reminded me that just as He calls me His daughter, He is their Father too. He loves them more than I do. He will not abandon them. God will continue to place people in their lives to water the seeds that have been planted. I believe that one day, they will know Jesus personally. I have to believe that.
Over the last month, God has been trying to prepare me for another child. Truthfully, I haven't really wanted to hear that. My heart wants my girls. However, that isn't possible any more. I have to move forward. I could quit being a foster parent altogether. Life would be easier that way. But I can't quit. At least not yet. I have to be obedient to what He is asking of me. This means that on Monday, the 21st, I will go back on the waiting list with my agency. Part of me is excited and ready for a new little one. Then there is the hurting side of me that is nervous to love and possibly let go again. In so many ways, my heart is still raw from this experience. Despite how I feel, I'm moving forward in obedience. I know that any child that is placed with me I will fall in love with quickly. I love children after all. :)
If you would, please pray for me as I enter into this next season. I want to say yes to the right child at the right time. I have requested to be switched to one child only, under a year of age. Guess this means it is time to take out my girls' car seats and put in an infant carrier. :)
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Surrender
I haven't written in a while. I've thought about writing several times. However, I've been too afraid to write because I'm concerned it will come across as depressing. My emotions have continued to be all over the place since the girls left. Thirteen weeks have passed. Our contact has been dwindling. I've been floundering trying to figure out what to do. I'm currently on hold with my agency. Fortunately, they've been really good about letting me take my leave of absence. I've needed the space to mourn and figure out what is next.
My options are two fold right now. #1 Continue being on hold until mid-September, which is what I had originally told my agency. Or #2 go back to an active status and wait until another child arrives. You wouldn't think that this was such a big decision to make, but for me it is. I'm on hold because I was waiting to see how my girls would do with their bio family. It appears that their situation will be permanent. I don't know that for a fact nor will I know it for a fact until September. But it appears to be so. Since that is the case, it should be an easy decision to move on and open my home to another child. Right? I wish it was. Truthfully, opening my home to another child means that my two beautiful girls are really truly gone. It is another level of grieving and letting go.
Over the last couple of weeks, God has been working in my heart. I've been in such a state of worry and concern over my girls. He has been tapping on my heart trying to speak to me, trying to get me to listen to what He is saying. I've been stubborn. I knew there was a good chance that He would say something I didn't want to hear. And I was right. He told me to let go of my girls. He would take care of them no matter where they are. Surrendering my will and my desires to Him has always been a struggle for me. Like I said. I'm stubborn. Hearing Him ask me to let them go made my physical heart hurt and my lungs to stop working for a moment. I feel like He is wanting me and gently pushing me to be willing to have another child in my home. As much as I love children, this seems like an easy thing to do.
This whole process of becoming a foster parent and saying yes to children at different times has been one continuous act of obedience. Now, I'm standing here with a fork in the road. I feel like I could do either one and be ok. And yet, even as I type these words I feel His prompting to be willing to step out again. To say yes again to His calling. I'm so scared to say yes again. So scared to love with all my heart and have a child leave again. I'm crying as I compose this blog. I want my girls back so desperately. But I have to remember that God sees the big picture. I only see in part. He knows what the future holds I do not. He is bigger than my fears. His LOVE is bigger than mine. He can take care of those beautiful little ones better than I can.
Surrender doesn't come naturally to me. Surrender feels like quitting. I know there is a difference, but my heart doesn't feel it. I never want my girls to think I quit loving them or wanting them. That if I move on and have other little ones, it doesn't mean that there isn't room for them in my heart any more. I'm not sure how to convey that to a 4 year old and a 2 year old.
So I guess, sometime soonish, I will be calling my agency and asking to be active again. When I will make that call, I'm not sure. All I know is that I have to act in obedience, one step at a time. Surrender and obey. Two of the most difficult words in the English language. With God's help, I can do this.
My options are two fold right now. #1 Continue being on hold until mid-September, which is what I had originally told my agency. Or #2 go back to an active status and wait until another child arrives. You wouldn't think that this was such a big decision to make, but for me it is. I'm on hold because I was waiting to see how my girls would do with their bio family. It appears that their situation will be permanent. I don't know that for a fact nor will I know it for a fact until September. But it appears to be so. Since that is the case, it should be an easy decision to move on and open my home to another child. Right? I wish it was. Truthfully, opening my home to another child means that my two beautiful girls are really truly gone. It is another level of grieving and letting go.
Over the last couple of weeks, God has been working in my heart. I've been in such a state of worry and concern over my girls. He has been tapping on my heart trying to speak to me, trying to get me to listen to what He is saying. I've been stubborn. I knew there was a good chance that He would say something I didn't want to hear. And I was right. He told me to let go of my girls. He would take care of them no matter where they are. Surrendering my will and my desires to Him has always been a struggle for me. Like I said. I'm stubborn. Hearing Him ask me to let them go made my physical heart hurt and my lungs to stop working for a moment. I feel like He is wanting me and gently pushing me to be willing to have another child in my home. As much as I love children, this seems like an easy thing to do.
This whole process of becoming a foster parent and saying yes to children at different times has been one continuous act of obedience. Now, I'm standing here with a fork in the road. I feel like I could do either one and be ok. And yet, even as I type these words I feel His prompting to be willing to step out again. To say yes again to His calling. I'm so scared to say yes again. So scared to love with all my heart and have a child leave again. I'm crying as I compose this blog. I want my girls back so desperately. But I have to remember that God sees the big picture. I only see in part. He knows what the future holds I do not. He is bigger than my fears. His LOVE is bigger than mine. He can take care of those beautiful little ones better than I can.
Surrender doesn't come naturally to me. Surrender feels like quitting. I know there is a difference, but my heart doesn't feel it. I never want my girls to think I quit loving them or wanting them. That if I move on and have other little ones, it doesn't mean that there isn't room for them in my heart any more. I'm not sure how to convey that to a 4 year old and a 2 year old.
So I guess, sometime soonish, I will be calling my agency and asking to be active again. When I will make that call, I'm not sure. All I know is that I have to act in obedience, one step at a time. Surrender and obey. Two of the most difficult words in the English language. With God's help, I can do this.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
The Top 7 Things to Never Say to a Foster Parent
I have been trying to write all week. I have all these thoughts that want to come out; but as soon as I put them down, I back out on hitting that "publish" button. So instead of writing a highly emotional blog that makes me even more vulnerable, I'm going with a practical one. :)
I have learned several things since becoming a foster parent. I see and view things differently. It has been a life changing experience. During this journey, I have been told certain things by well meaning friends and family. These things have not been helpful. It turns out that I'm not the only foster parent who is being told well meaning things that actually hurt instead of help. So I thought I would assist all of you by giving you pointers on things you should NEVER say to a foster parent, unless you want them to physically harm you. lol ;)
7. So why are they in foster care? ...... Umm, yeah, we really aren't supposed to talk about that. Privacy laws and such. Don't be surprised if I give you a vague answer if you ask that question. Oh, and please, don't do the guessing game. There is no need to try to guess why they are in foster care.
6. Are you going to keep them? ...... We don't know the answer to that question. We could be told that the parental rights are going to be terminated, but that doesn't mean much until the rights are actually terminated. We may want to adopt them, but our desire means nothing to CPS.
5. Oh, I could never be a foster parent. ...... Well, I am a foster parent and I'm still not sure I can do it. The point is, if you are called to do it, you will be able to! Some how, when we are told that you couldn't be a foster parent, it makes us feel... Honestly, I don't know how to put into words how it makes us feel, but it isn't good.
4. I would love the children too much; it would hurt when the children left. I could never be a foster parent. ...... Yes, it does hurt, a lot. Loss always hurts. Loving someone is always a risk. Our pain is nothing, though, compared to the pain these children go through.
3. You have been through so much with these children. Maybe you should quit. It might be more than you can handle. ...... Quit because I'm exhausted and life is hard? I'm sorry, when you were pushing your child out of your body, when you got exhausted did you quit? When your pain level was at a 20, did you decided to stop pushing and let the baby stay in the womb? Or how about the 100th night in a row of little to no sleep because your baby needs to be fed every few hours, is that when you quit? Of course not. What I'm saying is being a parent is hard regardless.
2. You are so brave to do this! The world needs more generous people like you. ...... Please, do not put me on a pedestal. I'm simply doing what God has asked of me. I'm no different from anyone else. I fail all the time.
1. You wanted to become a foster parent. It shouldn't be a surprise when they leave. You are just setting yourself up to be hurt. ...... This statement hurts the most. It devalues how we feel and how much we love the children. Being a foster parent is a roller coaster. There is a good portion of the time that the kids are with you that you think they will be your forever child. So yes, it is often a surprise when they go back. I don't think people understand that when they leave we truly go into mourning. We have experienced loss. Yes, they are still physically alive; but they are no longer our children. We are mourning the loss of a relationship. It is no different from grieving a break up. How long one grieves varies on may things. Please, please, don't rush someone's grieving process. Don't tell them it is time to "move on". Our hearts will always feel like someone is missing, no matter how much time has passed.
Believe it or not, these are statements are made frequently to foster parents, not just to me. You may be wondering what you should say. Here are some ideas.....
How can I help?
Do you need anything?
How can I become a babysitter for you so you can have a break?
I'm sorry they are gone. My heart hurts for you.
Would you like me to bring you coffee? :)
Basically, make yourself available. Offer to bring a meal or buy a box of diapers. Little things like that mean more than you know.
Now, if you have said any of these things to me or any foster parent, do not feel badly. You didn't know. We all have things to learn. I know I'm guilty of saying a couple of these before I became a foster parent. I want you to know that I am so incredibly thankful for the love and support that I have been given from friends and family. It hasn't been an easy road, but I have had people loving me every step of the way. If we all do our part, whether we are the foster parent or supporting a friend who is, it makes the load easier and the path less difficult.
I have learned several things since becoming a foster parent. I see and view things differently. It has been a life changing experience. During this journey, I have been told certain things by well meaning friends and family. These things have not been helpful. It turns out that I'm not the only foster parent who is being told well meaning things that actually hurt instead of help. So I thought I would assist all of you by giving you pointers on things you should NEVER say to a foster parent, unless you want them to physically harm you. lol ;)
7. So why are they in foster care? ...... Umm, yeah, we really aren't supposed to talk about that. Privacy laws and such. Don't be surprised if I give you a vague answer if you ask that question. Oh, and please, don't do the guessing game. There is no need to try to guess why they are in foster care.
6. Are you going to keep them? ...... We don't know the answer to that question. We could be told that the parental rights are going to be terminated, but that doesn't mean much until the rights are actually terminated. We may want to adopt them, but our desire means nothing to CPS.
5. Oh, I could never be a foster parent. ...... Well, I am a foster parent and I'm still not sure I can do it. The point is, if you are called to do it, you will be able to! Some how, when we are told that you couldn't be a foster parent, it makes us feel... Honestly, I don't know how to put into words how it makes us feel, but it isn't good.
4. I would love the children too much; it would hurt when the children left. I could never be a foster parent. ...... Yes, it does hurt, a lot. Loss always hurts. Loving someone is always a risk. Our pain is nothing, though, compared to the pain these children go through.
3. You have been through so much with these children. Maybe you should quit. It might be more than you can handle. ...... Quit because I'm exhausted and life is hard? I'm sorry, when you were pushing your child out of your body, when you got exhausted did you quit? When your pain level was at a 20, did you decided to stop pushing and let the baby stay in the womb? Or how about the 100th night in a row of little to no sleep because your baby needs to be fed every few hours, is that when you quit? Of course not. What I'm saying is being a parent is hard regardless.
2. You are so brave to do this! The world needs more generous people like you. ...... Please, do not put me on a pedestal. I'm simply doing what God has asked of me. I'm no different from anyone else. I fail all the time.
1. You wanted to become a foster parent. It shouldn't be a surprise when they leave. You are just setting yourself up to be hurt. ...... This statement hurts the most. It devalues how we feel and how much we love the children. Being a foster parent is a roller coaster. There is a good portion of the time that the kids are with you that you think they will be your forever child. So yes, it is often a surprise when they go back. I don't think people understand that when they leave we truly go into mourning. We have experienced loss. Yes, they are still physically alive; but they are no longer our children. We are mourning the loss of a relationship. It is no different from grieving a break up. How long one grieves varies on may things. Please, please, don't rush someone's grieving process. Don't tell them it is time to "move on". Our hearts will always feel like someone is missing, no matter how much time has passed.
Believe it or not, these are statements are made frequently to foster parents, not just to me. You may be wondering what you should say. Here are some ideas.....
How can I help?
Do you need anything?
How can I become a babysitter for you so you can have a break?
I'm sorry they are gone. My heart hurts for you.
Would you like me to bring you coffee? :)
Basically, make yourself available. Offer to bring a meal or buy a box of diapers. Little things like that mean more than you know.
Now, if you have said any of these things to me or any foster parent, do not feel badly. You didn't know. We all have things to learn. I know I'm guilty of saying a couple of these before I became a foster parent. I want you to know that I am so incredibly thankful for the love and support that I have been given from friends and family. It hasn't been an easy road, but I have had people loving me every step of the way. If we all do our part, whether we are the foster parent or supporting a friend who is, it makes the load easier and the path less difficult.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Wounded Heart
My house is a mess right now, but I don't mind. I'm looking at crayons on the floor, a puzzle missing a piece, and building blocks. Normally, the mess of children's play gets to me. But not today. This mess was made by my two adorable girls. Since they went back to their family, we have been in constant contact. I was able to help out the bio family by babysitting the girls over the weekend. It was a hard but good weekend. They are so little that they don't understand why they had to leave me, and why they were back for a visit.
Honestly, keeping in touch with them the last two weeks has been bittersweet. I love hearing their little voices and having glimpses into their day. But it is just a reminder of the fact that they aren't with me. I usually end the call and fight tears. My heart aches to have them be mine again. Don't get me wrong. I'm thankful that they are letting me be involved in the girl's lives. However, I don't know how NOT to be their mom. I talk to them like their mom. I correct them like a mom. I remind them to use their manners like a mom. In my heart, I am their mom!!
I've been doing a lot of praying and asking God questions. I've been trying to figure out what I want to do, if I ever even want to be a foster parent again. This experience has left me broken and wounded. Every time I allow children into my house, I fall in love with them and they leave - taking a part of me with them. Their stories become my stories. I empathize with them. I invest myself wholeheartedly. Right now, I'm not feeling whole. I'm feeling broken. Can I be a good foster mom if I'm wounded and broken?
And then I was reminded by the Holy Spirit of something I had never thought about before. How many times had I prayed, "God break my heart for the things that break Yours."? It then dawned on me. God has completely and irrevocably broken my heart for the orphans. The deep pain I feel over their plight is just a glimpse at the Father's heart for His children. He had answered my prayer in a way I hadn't expected. I now know the answer. I have to keep going. I have to keep loving the children. If I don't, who will? They are part of my calling. So if God has broken my heart for the orphans, then I know He will heal the wounds and give me the strength to keep going. The more I pour my heart out to the least of these, the more love He will give me to give them.
I've also been reading an amazing book that I highly recommend called KISSES FROM KATIE. Wow! Katie's heart for the children of Uganda blows me away! Almost every page challenges me to think bigger, love deeper, and give more freely. If she can adopt 13 children by the age of 22, I can be a foster mom to a couple of girls. I want to be like her when I grow up. She sees the need and figures out how to meet that need. She has discovered a simplistic truth. Love goes so far. Love heals so many wounds. Love makes a bigger difference than we think.
Between the Holy Spirit, the book I'm reading, and the situations at hand, I've been doing a lot of crying to say the least. God is working in my heart. He is challenging me to grow, to let Him take the anger away. Life hasn't been easy. But I believe that somehow God can make beauty from the ashes. He can use my brokenness to help heal a little one.
Honestly, keeping in touch with them the last two weeks has been bittersweet. I love hearing their little voices and having glimpses into their day. But it is just a reminder of the fact that they aren't with me. I usually end the call and fight tears. My heart aches to have them be mine again. Don't get me wrong. I'm thankful that they are letting me be involved in the girl's lives. However, I don't know how NOT to be their mom. I talk to them like their mom. I correct them like a mom. I remind them to use their manners like a mom. In my heart, I am their mom!!
I've been doing a lot of praying and asking God questions. I've been trying to figure out what I want to do, if I ever even want to be a foster parent again. This experience has left me broken and wounded. Every time I allow children into my house, I fall in love with them and they leave - taking a part of me with them. Their stories become my stories. I empathize with them. I invest myself wholeheartedly. Right now, I'm not feeling whole. I'm feeling broken. Can I be a good foster mom if I'm wounded and broken?
And then I was reminded by the Holy Spirit of something I had never thought about before. How many times had I prayed, "God break my heart for the things that break Yours."? It then dawned on me. God has completely and irrevocably broken my heart for the orphans. The deep pain I feel over their plight is just a glimpse at the Father's heart for His children. He had answered my prayer in a way I hadn't expected. I now know the answer. I have to keep going. I have to keep loving the children. If I don't, who will? They are part of my calling. So if God has broken my heart for the orphans, then I know He will heal the wounds and give me the strength to keep going. The more I pour my heart out to the least of these, the more love He will give me to give them.
I've also been reading an amazing book that I highly recommend called KISSES FROM KATIE. Wow! Katie's heart for the children of Uganda blows me away! Almost every page challenges me to think bigger, love deeper, and give more freely. If she can adopt 13 children by the age of 22, I can be a foster mom to a couple of girls. I want to be like her when I grow up. She sees the need and figures out how to meet that need. She has discovered a simplistic truth. Love goes so far. Love heals so many wounds. Love makes a bigger difference than we think.
Between the Holy Spirit, the book I'm reading, and the situations at hand, I've been doing a lot of crying to say the least. God is working in my heart. He is challenging me to grow, to let Him take the anger away. Life hasn't been easy. But I believe that somehow God can make beauty from the ashes. He can use my brokenness to help heal a little one.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Broken System
WARNING: My emotions are very high right now. It makes me a little nervous to write this blog with so many unprocessed/unchecked emotions. However, some of my best writing happens when I'm in a raw place.
Oh goodness. Where to start. I guess I will rip the band aid off and just say it. My beautiful, darling girls went back to their bio family today. Yes, it is a bit of a shock. I knew this was a possibility, but I honestly didn't think it was probable. A week ago today, I had met with some of the people involved in the case. We were discussing what might happen on Thursday when we go before the judge. The expectation was for the judge to dismiss what was being brought up and we would continue to a jury trial on Monday (today). Little did we know, that another set of decision makers were working behind the scenes creating a plan of their own. When I showed up at the court house on Thursday, my case manager and I were greeted by the case worker who said she needed to talk to us. A few minutes later, we were in a side room discussing a new plan that was unfolding that very day. She then spoke the words that caused tears to begin falling down my face. "We are returning the girls to their family. It will be a monitored return." Some how, all of these people who don't even really know my girls decided that it would be a good idea to return my babies and extend the case for a second time. I was shocked. Stunned. Floored. Dumbfounded. The ugliest crying and sobbing started coming out of me. I couldn't stop it. I was a wreck. Here I was thinking we were days away from me being able to begin the process to adopt them. When I asked them if they really thought this was a good idea, no one was sure. No one was/is certain that this will be a successful return. Anger rose up inside of me. How dare they return my girls to a situation that they aren't certain will be good? And why can't they have a say about their futures? Just because they are toddlers doesn't mean they don't have opinions. I mean, have you met them? My girls know what they want. But regardless of what I thought, said, or did, what I wanted for the girls was not important to them. What the girls want is not important to them.
When you become a foster parent, they say that all decisions are made with the best interest of the child at heart. Let me tell you now THAT IS A LIE. Decisions are made in the best interest of the parent, not the child. Children don't want to be tossed all over the place. Children want stability. What do you think happens to a child that is with their bio family one day, put in foster care the next, then removed from foster care, placed with bio family again, and then removed from bio family and placed back into foster care again? The child begins to lose the ability to trust or to feel safe. Is that in the best interest of the child? Now let's take it a step further. So they are in foster care for the second time, and they decide that the bio family should have one more shot. The children are then torn away from the only safe environment they have ever known, and placed back with their bio family who are now like strangers because they haven't spent much time with them. Yes, now that sounds like a winning decision right there. (said with sarcasm) Yes, I'm all for children being raised by their parents when it is a safe situation. But how many chances should a parent get? Because every chance a parent gets, is another emotional blow inflicted upon the child. You want to know why children in the foster care system are so broken? It is because we keep returning them into AWFUL, SUB STANDARD, UNSTABLE environments. And it is all done in the name of "the best interest of the child". Sorry folks. I'm not falling for that line any more. Now, don't get me wrong. There are times when the system does work. But for the most part, it is a broken, hot mess. I have had people who work within the system say that very few of the decisions actually made are in the best interest of the children. This is heart wrenching.
Sorry, you can probably tell I'm a bit upset. You would be too if your children were placed in a situation that may or may not be good. No one is really sure if they will end up back in the system again or not.
Now, I must say, that even though this situation is not ideal, I have been given a green light to stay in contact with the bio family. We have exchanged phone numbers. I know where the girls live. THIS IS HUGE. Rarely does this happen. I'm thankful that they are encouraging us to continue to be in each others lives. It is a good thing. However, my heart is still broken. I am still going to mourn and grieve their going. I'm going to need to get away soon. My house is too quiet without my babies.
I got to tell my babies goodnight! I'm thankful they felt free to let them call me before going to bed. I'm hoping this open door will be a good thing. Time will tell.
Oh goodness. Where to start. I guess I will rip the band aid off and just say it. My beautiful, darling girls went back to their bio family today. Yes, it is a bit of a shock. I knew this was a possibility, but I honestly didn't think it was probable. A week ago today, I had met with some of the people involved in the case. We were discussing what might happen on Thursday when we go before the judge. The expectation was for the judge to dismiss what was being brought up and we would continue to a jury trial on Monday (today). Little did we know, that another set of decision makers were working behind the scenes creating a plan of their own. When I showed up at the court house on Thursday, my case manager and I were greeted by the case worker who said she needed to talk to us. A few minutes later, we were in a side room discussing a new plan that was unfolding that very day. She then spoke the words that caused tears to begin falling down my face. "We are returning the girls to their family. It will be a monitored return." Some how, all of these people who don't even really know my girls decided that it would be a good idea to return my babies and extend the case for a second time. I was shocked. Stunned. Floored. Dumbfounded. The ugliest crying and sobbing started coming out of me. I couldn't stop it. I was a wreck. Here I was thinking we were days away from me being able to begin the process to adopt them. When I asked them if they really thought this was a good idea, no one was sure. No one was/is certain that this will be a successful return. Anger rose up inside of me. How dare they return my girls to a situation that they aren't certain will be good? And why can't they have a say about their futures? Just because they are toddlers doesn't mean they don't have opinions. I mean, have you met them? My girls know what they want. But regardless of what I thought, said, or did, what I wanted for the girls was not important to them. What the girls want is not important to them.
When you become a foster parent, they say that all decisions are made with the best interest of the child at heart. Let me tell you now THAT IS A LIE. Decisions are made in the best interest of the parent, not the child. Children don't want to be tossed all over the place. Children want stability. What do you think happens to a child that is with their bio family one day, put in foster care the next, then removed from foster care, placed with bio family again, and then removed from bio family and placed back into foster care again? The child begins to lose the ability to trust or to feel safe. Is that in the best interest of the child? Now let's take it a step further. So they are in foster care for the second time, and they decide that the bio family should have one more shot. The children are then torn away from the only safe environment they have ever known, and placed back with their bio family who are now like strangers because they haven't spent much time with them. Yes, now that sounds like a winning decision right there. (said with sarcasm) Yes, I'm all for children being raised by their parents when it is a safe situation. But how many chances should a parent get? Because every chance a parent gets, is another emotional blow inflicted upon the child. You want to know why children in the foster care system are so broken? It is because we keep returning them into AWFUL, SUB STANDARD, UNSTABLE environments. And it is all done in the name of "the best interest of the child". Sorry folks. I'm not falling for that line any more. Now, don't get me wrong. There are times when the system does work. But for the most part, it is a broken, hot mess. I have had people who work within the system say that very few of the decisions actually made are in the best interest of the children. This is heart wrenching.
Sorry, you can probably tell I'm a bit upset. You would be too if your children were placed in a situation that may or may not be good. No one is really sure if they will end up back in the system again or not.
Now, I must say, that even though this situation is not ideal, I have been given a green light to stay in contact with the bio family. We have exchanged phone numbers. I know where the girls live. THIS IS HUGE. Rarely does this happen. I'm thankful that they are encouraging us to continue to be in each others lives. It is a good thing. However, my heart is still broken. I am still going to mourn and grieve their going. I'm going to need to get away soon. My house is too quiet without my babies.
I got to tell my babies goodnight! I'm thankful they felt free to let them call me before going to bed. I'm hoping this open door will be a good thing. Time will tell.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Wanting to know
We are 9 days away from another big day in my girl's case. March 20th will determine whether we will have an outcome from the last year an half that day or if we will have to go to March 24 for an even bigger decision making day. I keep finding out new details. I'm not really sure what is going to happen. This has led to lots of stress and emotional eating.
I feel strongly that this case is more than meets the eye. There is a spiritual battle happening here. I've been praying night and day over it. Some days, I have peace and know everything will be ok. Then other days, I'm a wreck and in tears with worry. I keep thinking if I only knew the outcome now, I wouldn't be so stressed. I've asked God many times if He would clue me in to the results of upcoming events. I JUST WANT TO KNOW. The only response I've heard is God asking me if I really wanted to know or if I just think that I want to know? This left me wondering if the worse cast scenario was going to be the outcome.
Then it made me think about Adam and Eve. The grand temptation was KNOWLEDGE. The ability to know what God knows, to be like God. Eve took the bait. She felt like God was withholding something from her. This lie has followed us for generations. God wasn't keeping any knowledge from her that she needed to know. He was protecting her from herself, and yet she didn't see that. I'm shaking my head even as I type this because I'm so much like Eve. I want to know everything! I want to know what is going to happen and when. I want to know the results of all things. And when I don't know, I wonder if God is holding out on me. Trusting that God knows the future is hard for me.
So I don't think when God was asking me if I really wanted to know the results that it was a hint to an unfavorable outcome. I think it was His way of asking me if I really wanted to take that fruit. Do I really want the knowledge of the future or do I want to trust God to let Him take care of thing? I've had to daily say I choose to trust God. I choose to let Him be in control. I can only do so much, but I can't change hearts or minds. Only He can.
If you would, please be praying for my girls and for me over the next couple of weeks. I want God's will more than anything. Pray that the decision makers will listen to wisdom and that truth would be spoken. Pray that I will have peace and not be anxious. I so want the best for my girls. We think we know what is best, and most of the decision makers are on the same page. There is one person, though, who is definitely against what is best for them.
Today, I'm choosing to not know the future. I'm letting God be God and do His thing. I know all will be revealed in due time.
(Please forgive me if some of the sentence structure is off. Sleep has been hiding from me, and I can't see straight.)
I feel strongly that this case is more than meets the eye. There is a spiritual battle happening here. I've been praying night and day over it. Some days, I have peace and know everything will be ok. Then other days, I'm a wreck and in tears with worry. I keep thinking if I only knew the outcome now, I wouldn't be so stressed. I've asked God many times if He would clue me in to the results of upcoming events. I JUST WANT TO KNOW. The only response I've heard is God asking me if I really wanted to know or if I just think that I want to know? This left me wondering if the worse cast scenario was going to be the outcome.
Then it made me think about Adam and Eve. The grand temptation was KNOWLEDGE. The ability to know what God knows, to be like God. Eve took the bait. She felt like God was withholding something from her. This lie has followed us for generations. God wasn't keeping any knowledge from her that she needed to know. He was protecting her from herself, and yet she didn't see that. I'm shaking my head even as I type this because I'm so much like Eve. I want to know everything! I want to know what is going to happen and when. I want to know the results of all things. And when I don't know, I wonder if God is holding out on me. Trusting that God knows the future is hard for me.
So I don't think when God was asking me if I really wanted to know the results that it was a hint to an unfavorable outcome. I think it was His way of asking me if I really wanted to take that fruit. Do I really want the knowledge of the future or do I want to trust God to let Him take care of thing? I've had to daily say I choose to trust God. I choose to let Him be in control. I can only do so much, but I can't change hearts or minds. Only He can.
If you would, please be praying for my girls and for me over the next couple of weeks. I want God's will more than anything. Pray that the decision makers will listen to wisdom and that truth would be spoken. Pray that I will have peace and not be anxious. I so want the best for my girls. We think we know what is best, and most of the decision makers are on the same page. There is one person, though, who is definitely against what is best for them.
Today, I'm choosing to not know the future. I'm letting God be God and do His thing. I know all will be revealed in due time.
(Please forgive me if some of the sentence structure is off. Sleep has been hiding from me, and I can't see straight.)
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Storms, emotions, Jesus, and 6 weeks
I really don't know where to start. The hard part is that I can't really share with the world where we are in the case with my girls. However, it is because of where we are that all this chaos is happening. We are in the midst of a huge storm. HUGE. Every possible thing that could go wrong is going wrong. Things are happening that are shocking the GAL, CASA, and CPS. They have been doing this for ages; and yet it is my girl's case that is bringing the shock value. I would have preferred a calmer case myself.
Back in October when I found out my girls were returning into foster care, I was asked if I was interested in adoption. I said YES! Based upon that conversation, I assumed that smooth sailing was ahead. Little did I know that I was actually sailing into a hurricane. The last few months have been anything but easy. All sorts of complications have come about. The last couple of weeks have contained new information that has turned my world upside down. Honestly, it has left me feeling wrung out and completely spent emotionally. I have done some serious ugly crying. I have prayed like never before. I have fought spiritually daily for a while now. I'm beyond exhausted.
Last night, after some more bad news was delivered, I was angry. I was furious. I was befuddled. I didn't know how in the world God was going to fix this mess. As I was driving home with my girls, a worship song came on the radio. It was "Oceans" by Hillsong. I love this song! The impact of the words hit me full force as I was listening to it last night. I pulled into the garage as it continued to play and I ugly cried and sang off key the song. I could see clearly that I am walking in the midst of a storm and God is with me. I've been feeling like Peter. The waves are all around me. I can hear the thunder and see the lightening. Through the down pouring rain, I strain to look into the eyes of Jesus. I know that if I look at the storm around me, I will sink like Peter did. And we will lose this battle. So I fix my eyes on Jesus. I KNOW He will bring us to the other side of the storm. The crazy thing is, I have peace in my heart. I don't know how it will all work out, but there is peace. Now if only my mind would catch up to my heart. lol My mind is keeping me awake at night.
How this case will end, I have no idea. Every time I try to figure it out, something else comes up. This I do know. It will all be over by April 15. The judge said it must come to an end. That is the day he has set. This means we have roughly 6 weeks. 6 weeks of up and downs and emotional roller coasters. Then all will be revealed.
Even though I don't know what tomorrow holds, I know that today I have my girls. Today, I can love them. Today, I am blessed to be their mom. Today is all we are really promised anyway.
Back in October when I found out my girls were returning into foster care, I was asked if I was interested in adoption. I said YES! Based upon that conversation, I assumed that smooth sailing was ahead. Little did I know that I was actually sailing into a hurricane. The last few months have been anything but easy. All sorts of complications have come about. The last couple of weeks have contained new information that has turned my world upside down. Honestly, it has left me feeling wrung out and completely spent emotionally. I have done some serious ugly crying. I have prayed like never before. I have fought spiritually daily for a while now. I'm beyond exhausted.
Last night, after some more bad news was delivered, I was angry. I was furious. I was befuddled. I didn't know how in the world God was going to fix this mess. As I was driving home with my girls, a worship song came on the radio. It was "Oceans" by Hillsong. I love this song! The impact of the words hit me full force as I was listening to it last night. I pulled into the garage as it continued to play and I ugly cried and sang off key the song. I could see clearly that I am walking in the midst of a storm and God is with me. I've been feeling like Peter. The waves are all around me. I can hear the thunder and see the lightening. Through the down pouring rain, I strain to look into the eyes of Jesus. I know that if I look at the storm around me, I will sink like Peter did. And we will lose this battle. So I fix my eyes on Jesus. I KNOW He will bring us to the other side of the storm. The crazy thing is, I have peace in my heart. I don't know how it will all work out, but there is peace. Now if only my mind would catch up to my heart. lol My mind is keeping me awake at night.
How this case will end, I have no idea. Every time I try to figure it out, something else comes up. This I do know. It will all be over by April 15. The judge said it must come to an end. That is the day he has set. This means we have roughly 6 weeks. 6 weeks of up and downs and emotional roller coasters. Then all will be revealed.
Even though I don't know what tomorrow holds, I know that today I have my girls. Today, I can love them. Today, I am blessed to be their mom. Today is all we are really promised anyway.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Maybe it isn't just a Foster Mom thing
There are many things that I experience as a foster mom and I wonder if it is just a normal mom thing or a special foster mom issue. Kind of like how I'm never quite sure if my girls are showing normal behavior for their age or if they are abnormal due to their circumstances. Anyway, I realized something this weekend. I'm missing part of me. Actually several parts. As a mom, my world revolves around my two precious little girls. Even when I'm at work, I'm thinking and praying about my girls. As a foster mom, my mind and heart are weighed down with all the different aspects of their case. All the what if's and what about's run through my head day and night. Since my girls came back to me four months ago, their case has been more complex and messy. My spirit has been heavy. My heart, soul, and mind have literally been wrapped up in them and their situation.
A couple of weeks ago, God told me to let it all go. I have to trust Him. I can not control the outcome by worrying. I can not change the minds of the decision makers. All I can do is pray and trust that God is bigger. That is what I'm doing. Trusting. Waiting. Believing. Praying. Letting go of worry. And repeat.
Back to the missing pieces. We have all put together puzzles. You know how frustrating it can be if you get so close to the end and you realize that a few pieces are missing or hiding somewhere. Even though, with those few pieces missing, you can still see what the picture is meant to be; you still are frustrated because it isn't complete. Well, that is how I've been feeling, incomplete. I know I'm doing the right thing being a foster mom. I can tell from the big picture that I'm where I'm supposed to be, but I was frustrated by the missing parts.
Then this weekend I was able to get in some friend time. All of a sudden it dawned on me that I was missing the "friend" piece in my life. I'm a pretty good friend, if I do say so myself. ;) However, as a foster mom, I haven't had a chance to be a friend much. I've tried recently taking my girls with me to different social events. It wasn't fun for me. I had to focus on making sure the girls behaved and didn't destroy things. This left me with little time to enjoy those around me. However, I know this isn't just a foster mom problem. This is a mom problem.
Yesterday, I got to spend time with two of my old roommates. One of them is getting married soon. She was doing her bridal portraits at the Dallas Arboretum. It was a fun girly time. Then that evening, I got to eat yummy Mexican food with a woman I look up to greatly. At the end of the day, my heart was full and I was happy. I had a missing piece put into place. Some how, I have to find a way to keep that part of me in place. I don't want to miss out on the wonderful things in the world around me. I want to be there for my friends.
If any of my mom friends have any tips on how to be a balanced person, please let me know. :) I'm still learning this. I do think it will get a little easier soon to be more social. There are now a few more people available or soon to be available to babysit for me! Hopefully, this will help keep that friend piece in place in the puzzle. :)
**I should note that I did have a great friend weekend just a few weeks ago. It was an awesome time of just relaxing and having good convo with a dear friend. It was healing to my heart in many ways. However, it wasn't until this weekend that I realized how much I missed the friend part of me.**
A couple of weeks ago, God told me to let it all go. I have to trust Him. I can not control the outcome by worrying. I can not change the minds of the decision makers. All I can do is pray and trust that God is bigger. That is what I'm doing. Trusting. Waiting. Believing. Praying. Letting go of worry. And repeat.
Back to the missing pieces. We have all put together puzzles. You know how frustrating it can be if you get so close to the end and you realize that a few pieces are missing or hiding somewhere. Even though, with those few pieces missing, you can still see what the picture is meant to be; you still are frustrated because it isn't complete. Well, that is how I've been feeling, incomplete. I know I'm doing the right thing being a foster mom. I can tell from the big picture that I'm where I'm supposed to be, but I was frustrated by the missing parts.
Then this weekend I was able to get in some friend time. All of a sudden it dawned on me that I was missing the "friend" piece in my life. I'm a pretty good friend, if I do say so myself. ;) However, as a foster mom, I haven't had a chance to be a friend much. I've tried recently taking my girls with me to different social events. It wasn't fun for me. I had to focus on making sure the girls behaved and didn't destroy things. This left me with little time to enjoy those around me. However, I know this isn't just a foster mom problem. This is a mom problem.
Yesterday, I got to spend time with two of my old roommates. One of them is getting married soon. She was doing her bridal portraits at the Dallas Arboretum. It was a fun girly time. Then that evening, I got to eat yummy Mexican food with a woman I look up to greatly. At the end of the day, my heart was full and I was happy. I had a missing piece put into place. Some how, I have to find a way to keep that part of me in place. I don't want to miss out on the wonderful things in the world around me. I want to be there for my friends.
If any of my mom friends have any tips on how to be a balanced person, please let me know. :) I'm still learning this. I do think it will get a little easier soon to be more social. There are now a few more people available or soon to be available to babysit for me! Hopefully, this will help keep that friend piece in place in the puzzle. :)
**I should note that I did have a great friend weekend just a few weeks ago. It was an awesome time of just relaxing and having good convo with a dear friend. It was healing to my heart in many ways. However, it wasn't until this weekend that I realized how much I missed the friend part of me.**
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Things I wished I had known
Last week, I was able to share with a group of people who are in the process of becoming licensed to be foster parents. It was fun to see myself in them just a couple of years ago. It is kinda funny to think of myself as an expert. I have only been doing this for two years. However, I have learned a lot. There was only so much I could share with them in the amount of time given. Honestly, I could talk for hours about being a foster parent.
When you become a foster parent, there are about 40 hours worth of classes you have to take. You would think you would know everything there is to know by the end of it. And yet you don't. There are things only life and time can teach you. I thought I would share the things I wished I had known before becoming a foster parent. It may sound negative, but it is honest.
I wish I had known that...
it would be so hard that I would want to quit. Multiple times. And by hard, I mean the most difficult thing I've ever done. Hard. Hard. Hard.
I could go to the hearings and conferences regarding my foster child's case. Granted there are a couple of things we aren't allowed to attend. However, it is so much better to be involved. Take a half day off of work and go. You learn so much at these events. More than if you just get the run down afterwards. Most of the time, all those involved in the case are tight lipped, and you aren't able to get much information due to privacy laws. Yet, if you show up, suddenly, you get to know all sorts of things.
It would cost me so much money. When a child is placed with you, they usually come with very little. It us up to the foster parent to get the child everything they need ASAP. You do get some financial assistance from your agency and the state, however, it takes a while for that money to come in. You could end up spending hundreds to a thousand dollars of your own money when they first come.
Making friends with other foster families is crucial! They are the only ones who will fully understand what you are going through. They will be your life line. I'm so thankful for the foster mom friend that I have. She is single too. It definitely helps that we are on the same page. We can talk about things and totally understand where the other person is coming from.
Mourning should not be down played. When children leave, it is a loss. It is ok to mourn their leaving. It is difficult to love and let go. And not just let go, but know that you may never hear how the child is doing. When I think about my first two girls, B and Z, I still cry. I miss them dearly. I still have their art work on my fridge. In a way, I will probably always mourn their leaving.
You NEVER know what will happen next. This leaves you on a roller coaster ride like you've never experienced. As soon as you think you know what is going to happen, you find out that the exact opposite will be occurring. Your heart is ripped apart. You live in a constant state of unsettledness. It wouldn't be so bad if the children didn't sense it too. They are aware that nothing is certain as well. It makes for emotional children and parents.
I think I've mentioned this before. I felt so bad that I couldn't get everything done. I felt like I was not being the perfect mom. However, as soon as I admitted my inabilities, I hired someone to help me clean. My house still isn't perfect, but it is so much better. It is ok to say you can't do it all!
Being a foster parent isn't about me. I will pour my heart and soul into these children, but CPS doesn't care about me. If the children go back home, CPS doesn't care about my broken heart. There were so many times that I had questions about my kid's situations, but I would get vague to no answers. It was frustrating! If anything does come up, I would always be the last to know. It is hard to feel like an after thought. I jump through hoops to take care of these children, and the state could care less about me and my opinions. They only care about me following the rules.
I love how my foster mom friend put it. Being a foster parent is like dating someone who can only talk about their ex. I never knew how hard it would be to fall in love with a little person and hear them talk about their family who didn't do things right all the time. It hurts. But even though it hurts, I encourage my little ones to love their bio family. No matter what happens, they will always be related by blood. They will always be family. So I try to put aside my feelings and share the spotlight with them.
I guess I will stop here for the night. This is just a short list of things I wish I had known before I became a foster parent. If you have any questions, let me know. I would be happy to help. :)
When you become a foster parent, there are about 40 hours worth of classes you have to take. You would think you would know everything there is to know by the end of it. And yet you don't. There are things only life and time can teach you. I thought I would share the things I wished I had known before becoming a foster parent. It may sound negative, but it is honest.
I wish I had known that...
it would be so hard that I would want to quit. Multiple times. And by hard, I mean the most difficult thing I've ever done. Hard. Hard. Hard.
I could go to the hearings and conferences regarding my foster child's case. Granted there are a couple of things we aren't allowed to attend. However, it is so much better to be involved. Take a half day off of work and go. You learn so much at these events. More than if you just get the run down afterwards. Most of the time, all those involved in the case are tight lipped, and you aren't able to get much information due to privacy laws. Yet, if you show up, suddenly, you get to know all sorts of things.
It would cost me so much money. When a child is placed with you, they usually come with very little. It us up to the foster parent to get the child everything they need ASAP. You do get some financial assistance from your agency and the state, however, it takes a while for that money to come in. You could end up spending hundreds to a thousand dollars of your own money when they first come.
Making friends with other foster families is crucial! They are the only ones who will fully understand what you are going through. They will be your life line. I'm so thankful for the foster mom friend that I have. She is single too. It definitely helps that we are on the same page. We can talk about things and totally understand where the other person is coming from.
Mourning should not be down played. When children leave, it is a loss. It is ok to mourn their leaving. It is difficult to love and let go. And not just let go, but know that you may never hear how the child is doing. When I think about my first two girls, B and Z, I still cry. I miss them dearly. I still have their art work on my fridge. In a way, I will probably always mourn their leaving.
You NEVER know what will happen next. This leaves you on a roller coaster ride like you've never experienced. As soon as you think you know what is going to happen, you find out that the exact opposite will be occurring. Your heart is ripped apart. You live in a constant state of unsettledness. It wouldn't be so bad if the children didn't sense it too. They are aware that nothing is certain as well. It makes for emotional children and parents.
I think I've mentioned this before. I felt so bad that I couldn't get everything done. I felt like I was not being the perfect mom. However, as soon as I admitted my inabilities, I hired someone to help me clean. My house still isn't perfect, but it is so much better. It is ok to say you can't do it all!
Being a foster parent isn't about me. I will pour my heart and soul into these children, but CPS doesn't care about me. If the children go back home, CPS doesn't care about my broken heart. There were so many times that I had questions about my kid's situations, but I would get vague to no answers. It was frustrating! If anything does come up, I would always be the last to know. It is hard to feel like an after thought. I jump through hoops to take care of these children, and the state could care less about me and my opinions. They only care about me following the rules.
I love how my foster mom friend put it. Being a foster parent is like dating someone who can only talk about their ex. I never knew how hard it would be to fall in love with a little person and hear them talk about their family who didn't do things right all the time. It hurts. But even though it hurts, I encourage my little ones to love their bio family. No matter what happens, they will always be related by blood. They will always be family. So I try to put aside my feelings and share the spotlight with them.
I guess I will stop here for the night. This is just a short list of things I wish I had known before I became a foster parent. If you have any questions, let me know. I would be happy to help. :)
Monday, January 6, 2014
Growing Pains
I remember when I was younger going through a growth spurt. I grew 5-6 inches in 6 months. My shoes sizes were changing almost monthly. I was always a bit overweight even as a child. However, when this growth spurt hit, I didn't gain weight with it. I became very thin. People were asking my mom if I was ok, if I had developed an eating disorder. It was an adjustment being the skinny girl. You really are treated differently when you are thin verses overweight. But I digress. I experienced growing pains during this time period. I got stretch marks like crazy. In the end, it was all part of the growing up process.
Now, I'm going through a different sort of growing pains. It is more of an internal/emotional thing. I can almost feel my inner self groaning as I'm being stretched and pulled. I will be honest. It isn't a comfortable thing. And yet, I know it is necessary. It is part of the process of becoming who I am supposed to be.
The last week or so, the reality of what I am doing has hit me up side the head. The fact that I am32 29ish, single, and a foster mom to two little girls boggles my mind. I NEVER would have thought this is how my life would be. The very real struggle of dealing with such serious issues by myself was not part of my plan.
And so my soul groans. It asks me if this is really what I want to do? Is this the load I want to carry? Do I want to permanently take on my girls if the case should go that way? Do I really want to let go of the freedom of being on my own? When was the last time I got to have coffee with a friend? When was the last time I was invited to a party and I didn't have to worry about my kids?
I realize that I've been doing this for two years now. I should be okay with all the things I've given up. Yet, the inner pain of growth and change shows me that I haven't fully surrendered my selfishness. I'm sure most moms go through this phase. The learning to let go of the person you used to be before children, and embracing who you are becoming as a mom. I do see myself changing. I see growth happening. The possibility of permanency is making me wonder all over again if I am capable of continuing on this journey as a single mom.
Deep down, I know the answer is yes. I know I will let go of the past and embrace the future. However, I also know that it is okay to mourn the loss of the freedom and the person I was. It is part of the process of growing, of becoming the mom I need to be. Even as I'm typing this, tears are stinging my eyes. I don't want to let go. I miss the old me. I miss being social. I miss having a life. I miss being able to do things spur of the moment. I miss not having my life controlled by the state and everything I do be documented. I miss being able to plan trips and weekend getaways.
And then I think about the two beautiful girls who call me "mom". I can't imagine life without them. I don't want to. They remind me that what I'm doing is worth it. They are worth it. They are worth every missed wedding, party, social event, etc. Being their mom is a privilege and an honor. I'm glad that God has chosen me to be their mom. I don't always understand what He is doing, but I do trust Him. I know He is looking out for me and my girls.
Doesn't Scripture say that if He has called, He will also equip? Well, I guess that means He will help me let go of the past and continue growing me into the person He wants me to be.
Now, I'm going through a different sort of growing pains. It is more of an internal/emotional thing. I can almost feel my inner self groaning as I'm being stretched and pulled. I will be honest. It isn't a comfortable thing. And yet, I know it is necessary. It is part of the process of becoming who I am supposed to be.
The last week or so, the reality of what I am doing has hit me up side the head. The fact that I am
And so my soul groans. It asks me if this is really what I want to do? Is this the load I want to carry? Do I want to permanently take on my girls if the case should go that way? Do I really want to let go of the freedom of being on my own? When was the last time I got to have coffee with a friend? When was the last time I was invited to a party and I didn't have to worry about my kids?
I realize that I've been doing this for two years now. I should be okay with all the things I've given up. Yet, the inner pain of growth and change shows me that I haven't fully surrendered my selfishness. I'm sure most moms go through this phase. The learning to let go of the person you used to be before children, and embracing who you are becoming as a mom. I do see myself changing. I see growth happening. The possibility of permanency is making me wonder all over again if I am capable of continuing on this journey as a single mom.
Deep down, I know the answer is yes. I know I will let go of the past and embrace the future. However, I also know that it is okay to mourn the loss of the freedom and the person I was. It is part of the process of growing, of becoming the mom I need to be. Even as I'm typing this, tears are stinging my eyes. I don't want to let go. I miss the old me. I miss being social. I miss having a life. I miss being able to do things spur of the moment. I miss not having my life controlled by the state and everything I do be documented. I miss being able to plan trips and weekend getaways.
And then I think about the two beautiful girls who call me "mom". I can't imagine life without them. I don't want to. They remind me that what I'm doing is worth it. They are worth it. They are worth every missed wedding, party, social event, etc. Being their mom is a privilege and an honor. I'm glad that God has chosen me to be their mom. I don't always understand what He is doing, but I do trust Him. I know He is looking out for me and my girls.
Doesn't Scripture say that if He has called, He will also equip? Well, I guess that means He will help me let go of the past and continue growing me into the person He wants me to be.
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