As many of you know, after Brown Eyes left, I really wanted to quit being a foster parent. I mean REALLY wanted to quit. My heart was over it. There didn't seem to be any reason to continue on this journey. I was begging God to let me stop. However, I never felt the release from Him to quit. Truthfully, I was a bit depressed. I couldn't see much light in the situation.
Then the first several days of the new year, God began speaking to me. He gave me Isaiah 43:18-19 "Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." If the foster care system could be compared to anything, a wilderness and a desert would be fitting. I felt like He was encouraging me to keep going. He was going to do something new this year. He was going to make a way where it seemed hopeless. A day or two after He gave me this passage, at church God clearly told me repeatedly not to live in fear. I don't need to be afraid of the unknown or make decisions out of fear. I needed to live fearlessly. I KNEW God was telling me to continue being a foster parent.
One day later, my phone rang in the evening. It was my agency. They wanted to know if I was interested in taking a newborn baby girl? Immediately, with no hesitation, I said yes! I knew very little about her situation. They had very few details. Due to several things, she ended up not being placed with me that night, but she came to me the next day. My agency and I asked more questions, trying to get a handle on the case. We were greeted with little information and several "I don't know"s. I know the least amount on this child's case then any other before her.
Even now, what will happen with Little One is a mystery. It is early in the case. Not much is going to be known. Normally, I have this overwhelmingly strong sense of urgency to know all the details of the case ASAP. This time, not as much. I definitely want to know what is going to happen. However, I feel more calm about it all.
I've only had Little One two weeks. I feel myself being hesitant to think more than a week out. I want to dream long term, but part of me is scared to do that. God keeps reminding not to live in fear, to dream big. What I really want to do is dream a life that will include Little One being with me forever. But I don't know if that is going to happen. Because this case is so odd and since God told me He was going to do something new, there is a part of me that wants to think she will be forever mine. That this is the year I can finally begin the adoption process. I want the "something new" to be my forever family. (I wouldn't mind if God decided that my single days were over either. ;) )
I guess that is where trust comes into play. I have to trust God to take care of me and all of my other girls. Either God is big enough or He isn't. I choose to believe He is big enough. Being a foster parent has been the hardest thing I have ever done. And the scariest. Thankfully, God has been with me every step of the way.
I'm glad I didn't let fear keep me from saying yes to Little One. I love her dearly. I enjoy taking care of her. I can't imagine life without her. If I had let fear win, I would have missed out on being a mom to the most beautiful baby who has stolen my heart.
