As of Monday, I'm back on my agency's list for waiting for a foster child.  I was a little nervous telling them that I was ready.  I still miss my girls heaps.  Being ready for more children isn't about my no longer missing my girls.  It is more about my seeing a need that I can meet than my heart being healed.  Honestly, by saying yes to my agency, fear almost consumed me.  The "what if" questions started going through my head.  The biggest question is "What if I fall in love with another child and I end up not being able to adopt them?" Loving and letting go is beyond difficult.  God reminded me being obedient is most important. I can't let fear control my decision making or my obedience.

While I was on vacation, during my plane rides, I read a book called The Middle Mother.  It was written by a foster mom who has had 40 children in her home.  I did my fair share of crying while reading this book. She clearly explained what my heart has been feeling.  I want to love as many children as possible.  I know that in a perfect world, all children would be with their parents. However, any child that enters my home, becomes mine.  And even with the knowledge that the goal for my past girls has always been reconciliation, it didn't stop my heart from wanting them to be my forever child.

So here I am again in a vulnerable place.  Waiting to open my heart and my home.  Hoping this time, I will be able to adopt.  It is a nerve wrecking place to be.  One of my foster mom friends opened her home to a tiny baby today.  This made me excited and hopeful.  It was the reminder that I needed that God will send me the right child at the right time.  It will be a good thing.

In case you hadn't noticed, I love babies.  :)