The last few weeks have been interesting for me. Not so much because anything has or has not happened. It is more because of what has been going on internally. My dear friend and I have been reading the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. We aren't that far along, only chapter 3; but it has been opening my eyes to things I've known but have forgotten. In addition to this, the past couple of weeks at church have been AMAZING!!
I've been following Jesus since I was a child. I'm definitely not the perfect example of a devote Christian. I make mistakes and take my eyes off of Him way more than I would like to admit to. This book, Crazy Love, has been reminding me how BIG God is and how small - but significant - I am. In light of the astounding universe that has been created, I am so small. Might as well be an ant. Yet, God finds me significant. Significant enough to send His Son to die for me, to love me - my flaws and all. When I pause to think about it, it totally boggles my mind. If I was God (and aren't you glad I'm not?), I'm not so sure I would send my only child to save people who will continually fail, turn on me, mock me, and say I don't exist. But He does. He says it is worth it. The loss. The sacrifice. The pain. We are worth it to Him. Truly mind boggling.
Right now, I believe I'm doing what God has called me to do, be a mother to the motherless. Some how in the midst of fulfilling this call, I lost sight of Who He is. I turned my eyes onto myself, my problems, my issues. I was trying to do everything on my own. I was becoming quite miserable honestly. Yet I couldn't manage to figure out why I was so down and out. I blamed it on all sorts of things. Truthfully, though, it was because I was being self-centered instead of God-centered. I was allowing my problems to balloon instead of keeping them in perspective of how great our God is. If I truly believe that Jesus loves me, SO many doubts and worries would fade away. This truth of His love is simplistic, but this jaded heart finds it complex at times.
Then you add in the last few weeks at church... WOW! Talk about learning to set aside what you want and letting God do His thing! God has been showing me how many things I put before Him, how many idols I've allowed into my heart. It is disheartening. Towards the end of service the last two weeks, a song called "Clear the Stage" has been played. This song caused me to do some serious crying and soul searching. It talks about finding the idols in our life and not letting worship be words only. What have I put before God? What occupies my mind the most? Why I have let myself become distracted from the truth of WHO HE IS? The answers aren't so pretty. Looking into the mirror of your soul isn't always a pretty picture. Fear, worry, doubt, worry, lack of trust, worry. See a pattern? Worry steals from me constantly. I some how think that it is ok to worry, when in fact it isn't. Worry is saying God isn't big enough. Worry has become an idol.
Needless to say, lots of repenting has been happening in my heart the last couple of weeks. I want to keep my eyes on Him, the Author and Perfecter of my faith. When I do, the burden becomes lighter and hope springs anew. I'm thankful that God is God, and I am not. I'm thankful He loves me enough to show me my flaws and pull me closer to Himself.
No comments:
Post a Comment