My girls have been with me over 8 months now. The last few weeks have been emotionally draining. We have been living in a state of limbo. On July 5, we were supposed to have a date set for reconciliation. However, due to so many things, we did not get a go home date by then. The waiting game began. Then last week, I called our case worker. I found out that a key situation had been rectified. I was then informed that the girls could go home any day now. She said pack up their things and wait for the call. So I did. I packed. I did loads of laundry. I gathered up their toys. And we waited. Each day, I would wonder if today was the day they would leave. Then when 5 PM rolled around, I knew we were in the clear for the day. This living in limbo is incredibly difficult. My heart doesn't know what to feel. Part of me doesn't want them to ever leave. The other part of me wants them to leave and get the pain over with. I know what is coming when they go. There will be so many tears on my part. I will experience all the stages of grief. Knowing that is coming is hard. I'm trying to live in the moment every day, which is draining in itself. We went to the zoo over the weekend. We went out for ice cream. We are spending lots of time together. I want them to have many happy memories when they go home. And yet, trying to make every day momentous is difficult. I mean some days, you are doing good to make it to bed time.
Even though this has been hard on me, I know it is very hard on my 3 year old. I told her that she was going home soon. We have had several discussions about it. I want her to fully understand the situation on her level. Today she surprised me because she told me in her own words what is about to happen. I guess all the talks have really sunk in. She doesn't want to leave me, and yet she misses her family. She is torn. I can't blame her. My heart goes out to her. She is too little to be dealing with all of these things.
It has been 10 days, and we still don't have a go home date. We are all a wreck. Waiting stinks. However, we do know that it can't last forever. The next court date is around August 12. If they aren't home by then, they will go home that day. Even though I know that there is an end date by which things have to happen, it is still difficult knowing that they could leave at any moment before then.
When every day could be your last day together, you live differently. You try to live it with a purpose. My prayers over the girls are longer. My hugs are longer. The "I love you's" are said dozens of time a day. I don't want any opportunity to pass me by for them to know my love and the love of their Heavenly Father.
We are living life one day at a time...
