It dawned on me tonight while I was rocking my baby to sleep that maybe I complain to much about the difficulties of being a single foster parent. I know the last few weeks have been hard for me. There has been a lot going on personally with me. I'm pretty sure it has clouded my ability to find the joy in the ordinary.
So instead of talking about the hardships, I want to share how far we've come. I've had the girls 6 months now. Wow! It seems like I've had them forever, and yet it seems like they just arrived. When they first came to me, I'm pretty sure I didn't sleep for eight weeks. I literally was either sitting on the floor next to the bed of one child or rocking back to sleep the other child almost all night. I was averaging four hours of sleep each night, and they weren't consecutive either. Now, they sleep in separate rooms; and if they do wake up, it is once and back to sleep in a reasonable amount of time. I call that progress! :)
These little girls have blossomed so much! I love watching their personalities unfold. They love music and dancing. It cracks me up to see them "dance". It is usually a lot of bouncing, jumping and falling down. If a song comes on the radio that they don't like, they feel free to voice their opinions.
I remember the very first night. The baby woke up and looked at me with huge eyes. I could tell she was confused and scared. She didn't know who I was or why she was there. Now, she calls me "mommy" and runs to greet me every day. She tells me that she loves me. Those eyes are now filled with love and joy. She has stolen my heart.
The older child struggled with expressing her needs/desires. For the first couple of months, it meant meltdowns and very long tantrums. Now, she has learned to use her words to let me know how I can help her. She has come soooo far! We are still working on not whining when asking for things and using proper tone of voice, but I'm happy with the progress she has made.
They are both incredibly smart! I love watching them learn new things. Their vocabulary increases all the time. In six months, songs of ABC's, Twinkle Twinkle, Wheels on the Bus have filled our car rides and bath tub times. Of course their version is adorable and not always accurate. :)
It is fun to watch these little people make friends. They talk about their friends every day. They greet their friends when we arrive at daycare. The older one will occasionally insist that she sits by her "best friend" at meal time. Naturally, her best friend changes almost daily.
Books are a big things around here. Certain ones I've read enough times they will both start quoting it with me. :)
Jesus is becoming part of their lives and speech. I'm asked to pray for their family members every night.
They are growing in every way. I enjoy seeing them change and become themselves. I love them dearly. I can't imagine life without them. They make me laugh and smile.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Sunday, May 19, 2013
So You Want To Be A Single Foster Parent (or adoptive parent)
When I was in the process of becoming a foster parent, I searched high and low for books about it from a single person's perspective. You know how many I found? None. Zero. I have often thought about writing a book with the above title, but I'm not sure I have enough to say to fill a whole book. Maybe I will in a year or two. :) However, I do think I have a blog or three I could share on the topic.
There are several things that I have learned in the last year that I wish I had known before I became a single foster parent. I probably would have still done it because it is what God asked of me, but I would have been going into it a little more prepared.
So maybe you are reading this blog and wondering what you would be getting into if you decided to do it as a single person. Let me ask you a question. How many sick days and or vacation days do you have? Why is that important? Your child may not come to you in perfect health. You may find yourself taking more days off than you expected. Since you are on your own, you are more than likely going to be taking advantage of a daycare. If they get sick, they can't be at daycare. And I can't tell you the number of phone calls I've received at work saying I had a sick child. On top of that, doctors will tell you that the first one to two years a child is in a daycare they will be sick up to 50% of the time!! Of course that could range from a constant runny nose to Strep throat. There is a good chance you will be using your sick days and possibly your vacation time, not on yourself, but on your sick child. Then what will you do if you run out of paid time off? Can you afford to miss 5+ days of work a month without pay? True, you might get a child that never gets sick. Count yourself blessed! However, more than likely, your child will get sick. It is just a matter of how frequently.
I've missed more work the last 6 months than I would like to admit to. It has cost me a lot. I had no idea that I would miss so many days. Fortunately, I have employers that are willing to work with me. I know I'm blessed in that aspect for sure. If your job isn't flexible, there is a good chance you could lose your job if you end up having to miss work often. Maybe you should begin looking for back up child care for when you have a sick kid if you can't take off of work. Crunch the numbers. How much can you live off of each month if your hours are cut? I had no idea going into this that I would miss as much work as I have. It is one of the many things I wish I had known going into this.
There are several things that I have learned in the last year that I wish I had known before I became a single foster parent. I probably would have still done it because it is what God asked of me, but I would have been going into it a little more prepared.
So maybe you are reading this blog and wondering what you would be getting into if you decided to do it as a single person. Let me ask you a question. How many sick days and or vacation days do you have? Why is that important? Your child may not come to you in perfect health. You may find yourself taking more days off than you expected. Since you are on your own, you are more than likely going to be taking advantage of a daycare. If they get sick, they can't be at daycare. And I can't tell you the number of phone calls I've received at work saying I had a sick child. On top of that, doctors will tell you that the first one to two years a child is in a daycare they will be sick up to 50% of the time!! Of course that could range from a constant runny nose to Strep throat. There is a good chance you will be using your sick days and possibly your vacation time, not on yourself, but on your sick child. Then what will you do if you run out of paid time off? Can you afford to miss 5+ days of work a month without pay? True, you might get a child that never gets sick. Count yourself blessed! However, more than likely, your child will get sick. It is just a matter of how frequently.
I've missed more work the last 6 months than I would like to admit to. It has cost me a lot. I had no idea that I would miss so many days. Fortunately, I have employers that are willing to work with me. I know I'm blessed in that aspect for sure. If your job isn't flexible, there is a good chance you could lose your job if you end up having to miss work often. Maybe you should begin looking for back up child care for when you have a sick kid if you can't take off of work. Crunch the numbers. How much can you live off of each month if your hours are cut? I had no idea going into this that I would miss as much work as I have. It is one of the many things I wish I had known going into this.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Mother's Day
I've been a mom now a little over a year. Wow, a year?!?! Time flies. What a year it has been. I've learned sooo much, and yet I feel like I will never know all I need to know.
Today was in many ways, a typical Saturday. We had our ups and downs. However, as they went to bed; I had such a peace in my heart, such a joy. I love being their mom. They bring me joy and frustration. They have been with me 6 months now. Their personalities are continually blossoming. I'm seeing new sides to them all the time. Just when I think I've got them figured out, they will say or do something that surprises me.
In some ways, I feel like I haven't screwed up as much with them as I did with the first set of girls. Unfortunately, someone has to be first. I went to a conference to learn more about being a foster parent a couple of weeks after my first foster daughters went home. There was one session that I attended that had me bawling my eyes out. I saw how many errors I had made with one of my girls. I didn't respond to certain situations properly. It was an eye opening class, but it ripped my heart apart. All I could think was "I totally screwed up my little girl". So many people would say that I did the best I could and not to worry about it. However, I feel like I need to continually strive to do better. With our jobs doing our best is not always good enough. If you mess up and it was your best, it could still cost you your job. As a mom, I know I will make mistakes; but I want to keep the damages down to a minimum.
I'm learning as a mom how to give correction that will be received by them on their level. Each child responds differently to discipline. One thing I'm doing is making sure that I tell them that I love them after every correction. I never want my girls to think that their behavior would change my love for them.
Even though I'm doing some things better, I have much to learn. But that is ok. Being a parent is a marathon, not a sprint.
To all the mothers out there, as you celebrate being a Mom, give yourself a break. Don't beat yourself up for not being perfect. Keep pressing forward. The most important thing I've learned is to love 100%. Love those babies who wake you up every few hours, who poop on your floors, who eat you out of house and home, who bite and hit other kids, who yell at you that they don't love you any more because they just got in trouble, who give wet kisses, who talk to every passing stranger. What am I saying? Your a mom. Moms love without hesitation. You know to love with all your heart. Maybe I should say, Moms go ahead and let your family pamper you tomorrow. Allow yourself to relax. You deserve it. You work too hard as it is.
To the single moms out there... You probably bought your own gift and will have to cook all the meals tomorrow. You might not even get to put on your make up before going to church. Your little ones may be too young to know anything about making you a card. However, you are not forgotten. You are stronger than you think. You are doing a better job than you think. You are loved more than you know.
I was asked recently why I became a single foster parent. As soon as I mentioned God, they rolled their eyes. In all honestly, I wouldn't be doing this if it weren't for God. This is the hardest job in the world. And yet....
I love being a mom. :) Happy Mother's Day to all the amazing moms out there!!!
Today was in many ways, a typical Saturday. We had our ups and downs. However, as they went to bed; I had such a peace in my heart, such a joy. I love being their mom. They bring me joy and frustration. They have been with me 6 months now. Their personalities are continually blossoming. I'm seeing new sides to them all the time. Just when I think I've got them figured out, they will say or do something that surprises me.
In some ways, I feel like I haven't screwed up as much with them as I did with the first set of girls. Unfortunately, someone has to be first. I went to a conference to learn more about being a foster parent a couple of weeks after my first foster daughters went home. There was one session that I attended that had me bawling my eyes out. I saw how many errors I had made with one of my girls. I didn't respond to certain situations properly. It was an eye opening class, but it ripped my heart apart. All I could think was "I totally screwed up my little girl". So many people would say that I did the best I could and not to worry about it. However, I feel like I need to continually strive to do better. With our jobs doing our best is not always good enough. If you mess up and it was your best, it could still cost you your job. As a mom, I know I will make mistakes; but I want to keep the damages down to a minimum.
I'm learning as a mom how to give correction that will be received by them on their level. Each child responds differently to discipline. One thing I'm doing is making sure that I tell them that I love them after every correction. I never want my girls to think that their behavior would change my love for them.
Even though I'm doing some things better, I have much to learn. But that is ok. Being a parent is a marathon, not a sprint.
To all the mothers out there, as you celebrate being a Mom, give yourself a break. Don't beat yourself up for not being perfect. Keep pressing forward. The most important thing I've learned is to love 100%. Love those babies who wake you up every few hours, who poop on your floors, who eat you out of house and home, who bite and hit other kids, who yell at you that they don't love you any more because they just got in trouble, who give wet kisses, who talk to every passing stranger. What am I saying? Your a mom. Moms love without hesitation. You know to love with all your heart. Maybe I should say, Moms go ahead and let your family pamper you tomorrow. Allow yourself to relax. You deserve it. You work too hard as it is.
To the single moms out there... You probably bought your own gift and will have to cook all the meals tomorrow. You might not even get to put on your make up before going to church. Your little ones may be too young to know anything about making you a card. However, you are not forgotten. You are stronger than you think. You are doing a better job than you think. You are loved more than you know.
I was asked recently why I became a single foster parent. As soon as I mentioned God, they rolled their eyes. In all honestly, I wouldn't be doing this if it weren't for God. This is the hardest job in the world. And yet....
I love being a mom. :) Happy Mother's Day to all the amazing moms out there!!!
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