If you have known me for a while, you know that I think a lot. Or as one of my friends puts it, I'm "in my head a lot". :) I'm constantly processing information, trying to figure things out. My brain keeps me awake many a nights. Over the last few months, I've had many "why" questions floating around in my brain. I don't usually get any answers; but occasionally, God surprises me with one.
Last night, Christmas night, I was cleaning up the kitchen. I was feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. My house has been a disaster for a while now, and I can't seem to catch up on anything. I started crying. I love my girls dearly, but I'm never sure if I am doing anything quite right. I feel like I'm doing everything half way. When I get to this point of exhaustion, I always begin to talk to God and ask questions. This time the question was "God why did you pick me to be a foster parent?" And believe it or not, I felt like I heard an answer. It was a simple response. "Because you would say yes." He knew that I would be willing to do His will for me. It then made me wonder, am I missing out on anything else because I might not say yes? I hope my heart will always stay open to God and His will, that I would be willing to say "yes" no matter the personal cost.
How many of us are missing out on amazing life changing experiences or God moments because we wouldn't say "yes" to God? How differently would the world be/look if we all said "yes"? Saying yes is so much harder than saying no. Saying no keeps us in a place of comfort and familiarity. It also keeps us bound to fear. Fear is why we say no more often than not. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. Fear of no longer being in control. When I received the phone call last month asking if I would be willing to take in two beautiful little girls, I almost said "No". Why? Because I was scared spitless! I had no idea what to expect. But I felt like God told me that if I turned them down, it would be strictly out of fear. So I took a leap of faith and said "yes". I'm glad I did. Even with the disaster of a house, dishes that never end, clothes that still need to be washed, and a social life that has disappeared.
I encourage you to say YES next time God asks you to step out. You never know what blessing or adventure could be around the corner.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Precious Moments
A couple of nights ago, I was sharing with a friend some stories about my girls. I ended up in tears. She ended up in tears. It made me wish I could share the preciousness of their stories with all of you. However, I'm just not sure how much I can say. So many things aren't allowed to be shared. I guess I will share little snippets; and if I find out those things are off limits, I will delete this post.
When they first came to me, I gave the oldest the option to call me Miss Sheryl or Mom. She chose to call me Miss Sheryl. Actually, the first week I believe she called me "Hey you". LOL In that first month with me though, she went from calling me "Hey you" to "Miss Sheryl" to "Mom" all on her own. I remember the week she slowly started calling me "Mom". It melted my heart. I told her that I loved hearing her call me that. It was a sign that she was slowly beginning to trust me.
The youngest called me "Mom" from the first night. She was so little and mom was the easiest thing to say. As time went on, she would look at me, put her hand on my face and say "my mommy". Tears came to my eyes the first time she said those words. After that, it kind of became a game. She would say "my mommy" and I would say "my Z". I treasured those moments. Every morning she would greet me with a huge grin and a hug. Must say, since I had to wake up early, that was the best way to make the morning better. Every evening when I picked her up from daycare, she would race to the doorway and leap into my arms.
They had a special way of slowly opening up to me and wiggling into my heart. It was the little things like when they would want to snuggle next to me while watching a movie or wanting me to put my arm around them during story time that showed me they were allowing themselves to receive my love.
When the oldest would get grumpy, I would ask her if her Love Bucket was almost empty. I would scoop her up and give her a big hug and lots of kisses. Her Love Bucket emptied quickly so it took a lot of quality time and hugs to fill it back up. But it was so worth it. The first time she told me she loved me, I cried. I knew it was genuine. It came without prompting and totally of her own free will.
I'll never forget the night when I knew she was beginning to understand all of our conversations about God. It was a Sunday night, and she was supposed to be going to sleep. All of a sudden, I heard a little girl saying oh so loudly "God is always with me!". She kept repeating it over and over and over. I loved it! The only down side was that it was bed time and she was keeping her sister up. But I knew, I knew that she was getting it. She was starting to comprehend that there was a God who loves her very much and He is always with her.
The youngest was my little cuddle buddy. She wanted to be held all the time. She sat on my left hip so much that my lower back will probably never be the same. At bed time, I would give her a hug and a kiss goodnight. She would lay her head on my shoulder and ask to be held or rocked to sleep. She never wanted me to let her go.
Oh how I love them! These are just a few of the highlights. The good memories I never want to forget. The moments I hope they will never forget. I hope the seeds of God's love will be deep in their hearts. More than anything, I want them to know God and I want them to know they are loved.
When they first came to me, I gave the oldest the option to call me Miss Sheryl or Mom. She chose to call me Miss Sheryl. Actually, the first week I believe she called me "Hey you". LOL In that first month with me though, she went from calling me "Hey you" to "Miss Sheryl" to "Mom" all on her own. I remember the week she slowly started calling me "Mom". It melted my heart. I told her that I loved hearing her call me that. It was a sign that she was slowly beginning to trust me.
The youngest called me "Mom" from the first night. She was so little and mom was the easiest thing to say. As time went on, she would look at me, put her hand on my face and say "my mommy". Tears came to my eyes the first time she said those words. After that, it kind of became a game. She would say "my mommy" and I would say "my Z". I treasured those moments. Every morning she would greet me with a huge grin and a hug. Must say, since I had to wake up early, that was the best way to make the morning better. Every evening when I picked her up from daycare, she would race to the doorway and leap into my arms.
They had a special way of slowly opening up to me and wiggling into my heart. It was the little things like when they would want to snuggle next to me while watching a movie or wanting me to put my arm around them during story time that showed me they were allowing themselves to receive my love.
When the oldest would get grumpy, I would ask her if her Love Bucket was almost empty. I would scoop her up and give her a big hug and lots of kisses. Her Love Bucket emptied quickly so it took a lot of quality time and hugs to fill it back up. But it was so worth it. The first time she told me she loved me, I cried. I knew it was genuine. It came without prompting and totally of her own free will.
I'll never forget the night when I knew she was beginning to understand all of our conversations about God. It was a Sunday night, and she was supposed to be going to sleep. All of a sudden, I heard a little girl saying oh so loudly "God is always with me!". She kept repeating it over and over and over. I loved it! The only down side was that it was bed time and she was keeping her sister up. But I knew, I knew that she was getting it. She was starting to comprehend that there was a God who loves her very much and He is always with her.
The youngest was my little cuddle buddy. She wanted to be held all the time. She sat on my left hip so much that my lower back will probably never be the same. At bed time, I would give her a hug and a kiss goodnight. She would lay her head on my shoulder and ask to be held or rocked to sleep. She never wanted me to let her go.
Oh how I love them! These are just a few of the highlights. The good memories I never want to forget. The moments I hope they will never forget. I hope the seeds of God's love will be deep in their hearts. More than anything, I want them to know God and I want them to know they are loved.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Thankful
In the beginning stages of getting licensed to become a foster parent, we are told the importance of having a solid support system. It is true. Just knowing that people were cheering me on helped me so much. I'm thankful for the cheering squad. I'm thankful for the friends and family who supported me on this crazy endeavor. I've often questioned my own sanity in doing this. Yet, those who love me have only encouraged me to not stop, to keep pressing forward. That being said, I wanted to personally and publicly thank certain people.
My parents - Thank you for allowing me to bring my children to work many, many times. Thank you for taking them in and loving them as your own grandchildren. This blessed my heart more than you may ever know. I know my girls loved their "Papa" and "Ganma".
Amy - Thank you for having your kids be friends to my kids. It helped my girls so much in learning how to interact properly with other children. Thank you for being part of my cheering section.
Amanda - Thank you for being a wonderful babysitter to my girls! They loved you so much! The day they left, B asked if you were still going to be their babysitter.
My sisters Fawn and Tabitha - Tabitha, thanks for helping with the crib situation a few times and for babysitting. Fawn, thank you for helping me pack up that day. I couldn't have done it without you. Thank you for loving on the girls whenever you were around them.
Sara E - Thank you for letting me bomb-bard you with text messages. Thank you for encouraging me during the really rough patches. You have no idea how much it helped just knowing that you have been there and totally understand from where I am coming. Thank you for your support.
The Oaks - Thank you for believing in meeting the needs of the modern day orphans of this world. Thank you for hosting events for parents to get away for a few hours.
Elizabeth B - Thank you for being my best friend and for being a listening ear when I was super frustrated and ready to give up.
Tammy - Thank you for all your prayers and words of encouragement.
Elizabeth G - Thank you for throwing me a beautiful shower when my girls first arrived. It blessed me beyond words.
There are many, many more people who have spoken into my life at just the right moment or who have prayed for me along the way. Please don't be offended if I didn't mention you by name. You know who you are, and you hold a special place in my heart.
Thank you friends and family for your love, support, and prayers. Thank you for loving on my girls, for showing them how precious they are. Thank you to all the teachers at church and at daycare who spoke into their lives, who showed them Jesus.
I know there will be more children in my future. I know that they will be loved just as much as my first girls. Keep praying for me and for my girls who have gone home.
My parents - Thank you for allowing me to bring my children to work many, many times. Thank you for taking them in and loving them as your own grandchildren. This blessed my heart more than you may ever know. I know my girls loved their "Papa" and "Ganma".
Amy - Thank you for having your kids be friends to my kids. It helped my girls so much in learning how to interact properly with other children. Thank you for being part of my cheering section.
Amanda - Thank you for being a wonderful babysitter to my girls! They loved you so much! The day they left, B asked if you were still going to be their babysitter.
My sisters Fawn and Tabitha - Tabitha, thanks for helping with the crib situation a few times and for babysitting. Fawn, thank you for helping me pack up that day. I couldn't have done it without you. Thank you for loving on the girls whenever you were around them.
Sara E - Thank you for letting me bomb-bard you with text messages. Thank you for encouraging me during the really rough patches. You have no idea how much it helped just knowing that you have been there and totally understand from where I am coming. Thank you for your support.
The Oaks - Thank you for believing in meeting the needs of the modern day orphans of this world. Thank you for hosting events for parents to get away for a few hours.
Elizabeth B - Thank you for being my best friend and for being a listening ear when I was super frustrated and ready to give up.
Tammy - Thank you for all your prayers and words of encouragement.
Elizabeth G - Thank you for throwing me a beautiful shower when my girls first arrived. It blessed me beyond words.
There are many, many more people who have spoken into my life at just the right moment or who have prayed for me along the way. Please don't be offended if I didn't mention you by name. You know who you are, and you hold a special place in my heart.
Thank you friends and family for your love, support, and prayers. Thank you for loving on my girls, for showing them how precious they are. Thank you to all the teachers at church and at daycare who spoke into their lives, who showed them Jesus.
I know there will be more children in my future. I know that they will be loved just as much as my first girls. Keep praying for me and for my girls who have gone home.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Two Phone Calls
It is amazing how something as simple as a phone call can change your life. I've had two of those this year. April 20, 2012 was the first one. That was the day I was told about the opportunity to open my home to two little girls. After a little bit of contemplation and a couple of phone calls, I said yes. I was super nervous and excited. I had no idea what to expect. Honestly, you don't know what to expect. You never know if you are going to get the child who will adjust quickly and love you or the child who will swear at you and kick you. The girls arrived a few hours after I told the agency yes. My life forever changed.
Those girls stole my heart the first night. It wasn't hard to love them. Yes, we had many a difficult and trying day. However, those rough times never diminished my love for them. Never caused me to wonder if I should keep loving them. I knew they needed all the love they could get. I love them from the very bottom of my heart. I love them like they are my own daughters because that is what they are. My daughters. My little girls. They called me "Mommy" and I called them "Baby". It wasn't a perfect scene with roses and rainbows. It was more of a thunderstorm with the occasional break in the clouds and the reminder that rainbows and sunshine do exist.
From day one, I was told that the goal was to reunite the girls to their family. I knew my time with them was limited. I just never knew how long or short my time with them would be. A few weeks? A couple of months?
Then October 5, 2012 I received the second phone call that would rock my world. On this day, something called a Permanency Hearing was being held to determine whether or not a specific family member was ready to receive the girls or if more time was needed. Up to this point, the girl's case worker strongly believed they would be going home soon. It was a matter of whether it would be a few days or a few weeks. I had been reassured though that even if the Judge said the girls could go home, it would still take a few days to process. I would have time to get them ready and time to prepare myself. Well, let's just say it didn't go that way at all. The phone call came around 12:15 PM. I was on my lunch break. The case worker called to inform me that the Judge had granted a specific family member the right to take the girls. I wasn't overly surprised by this news. I of course asked the next logical question. When are they going home? How much time do I have left? She said this person would be at my house by 3 PM to pick up the girls. Shock doesn't even begin to express how I was feeling about this situation. And needless to say, ugly crying began with those words and didn't end for a while.
My heart was ripped out of my chest with that phone call. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I hadn't packed up the girl's things yet. I hadn't finished their laundry. (is laundry ever finished with children?) The next few hours went by way too quickly. I didn't really get a chance to say goodbye and give them each one last hug. It happened too fast.
I had those girls 15 days shy of 6 months. I poured my heart and soul into them. Now, they are gone. Somehow, I'm supposed to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and do this all over again. I'm not really sure how honestly. I don't know how people are foster parents for 20 years and see 100 kids go in and out of their homes. How does one not die a thousand deaths with each child's departure?
Those two phone calls will forever shape the rest of my life. They are moments in my history that won't easily be forgotten.
I have so much more I want to write about my time with my beautiful daughters. I need to share it, I believe, as part of my healing process. Many of you got to meet them. For those of you who didn't, I want to share what I can with you. They really are quite amazing. Oh, how I love them so.
Those girls stole my heart the first night. It wasn't hard to love them. Yes, we had many a difficult and trying day. However, those rough times never diminished my love for them. Never caused me to wonder if I should keep loving them. I knew they needed all the love they could get. I love them from the very bottom of my heart. I love them like they are my own daughters because that is what they are. My daughters. My little girls. They called me "Mommy" and I called them "Baby". It wasn't a perfect scene with roses and rainbows. It was more of a thunderstorm with the occasional break in the clouds and the reminder that rainbows and sunshine do exist.
From day one, I was told that the goal was to reunite the girls to their family. I knew my time with them was limited. I just never knew how long or short my time with them would be. A few weeks? A couple of months?
Then October 5, 2012 I received the second phone call that would rock my world. On this day, something called a Permanency Hearing was being held to determine whether or not a specific family member was ready to receive the girls or if more time was needed. Up to this point, the girl's case worker strongly believed they would be going home soon. It was a matter of whether it would be a few days or a few weeks. I had been reassured though that even if the Judge said the girls could go home, it would still take a few days to process. I would have time to get them ready and time to prepare myself. Well, let's just say it didn't go that way at all. The phone call came around 12:15 PM. I was on my lunch break. The case worker called to inform me that the Judge had granted a specific family member the right to take the girls. I wasn't overly surprised by this news. I of course asked the next logical question. When are they going home? How much time do I have left? She said this person would be at my house by 3 PM to pick up the girls. Shock doesn't even begin to express how I was feeling about this situation. And needless to say, ugly crying began with those words and didn't end for a while.
My heart was ripped out of my chest with that phone call. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I hadn't packed up the girl's things yet. I hadn't finished their laundry. (is laundry ever finished with children?) The next few hours went by way too quickly. I didn't really get a chance to say goodbye and give them each one last hug. It happened too fast.
I had those girls 15 days shy of 6 months. I poured my heart and soul into them. Now, they are gone. Somehow, I'm supposed to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and do this all over again. I'm not really sure how honestly. I don't know how people are foster parents for 20 years and see 100 kids go in and out of their homes. How does one not die a thousand deaths with each child's departure?
Those two phone calls will forever shape the rest of my life. They are moments in my history that won't easily be forgotten.
I have so much more I want to write about my time with my beautiful daughters. I need to share it, I believe, as part of my healing process. Many of you got to meet them. For those of you who didn't, I want to share what I can with you. They really are quite amazing. Oh, how I love them so.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Q-tip
In my foster parent training, they would tell us to always remember "Q-tip".
Quit
Taking
It
Personally
Don't take it personally when your child's behavior is deplorable, or they are screaming all sorts of things at you. Don't take it personally if they always ask for their "real" parents. In reality, it is easier said than done.
I'm an emotional person. I'm also a very giving person. I give of myself whole heartedly into relationships. Those two things combined means I'm also easily hurt. I've learned not to take everything personally or to absorb the words that come out of people's mouths. It hasn't been easy lesson to learn to do those things, but it has helped heal me and prevent further injuries.
That being said, I never knew how much loving a child could hurt. I don't know how not to take things personally with my children. I've tried. I've tried to distance myself when words are said or actions are done. Sometimes I'm successful. However, when we have gone a stretch of time with everything being over-the-top difficult, I can't help but take it personally. I begin to wonder if I'm doing something wrong. If I'm giving enough hugs. If I'm using the right tone. If I'm being consistent enough. Surely, if I was doing things right, it wouldn't be so hard and it wouldn't hurt so much.
How in the world am I to "Quit Taking It personally"?
I want to see them succeed so badly. I know other parents feel this way too. I've seen it in my own parents.... how easily they can be injured by their own kids. They love us so much, it hurts. I guess I'm like my parents in that way.
I feel like I need to learn to some how distance myself so as to be able to not take it personally. Maybe distancing isn't the right word. Maybe it is realizing that their actions do not necessarily reflect on my abilities. I think that is it actually. I feel like if all is wrong then it must be my fault. In reality, it isn't. I can't control how my children feel or how they respond to life's blows. Maybe if I can remind myself of that daily, ok hourly, I won't be so injured by the bad stretches.
I love my children. I must remember to Q-tip. Hopefully, soon I will be able to do that.
Quit
Taking
It
Personally
Don't take it personally when your child's behavior is deplorable, or they are screaming all sorts of things at you. Don't take it personally if they always ask for their "real" parents. In reality, it is easier said than done.
I'm an emotional person. I'm also a very giving person. I give of myself whole heartedly into relationships. Those two things combined means I'm also easily hurt. I've learned not to take everything personally or to absorb the words that come out of people's mouths. It hasn't been easy lesson to learn to do those things, but it has helped heal me and prevent further injuries.
That being said, I never knew how much loving a child could hurt. I don't know how not to take things personally with my children. I've tried. I've tried to distance myself when words are said or actions are done. Sometimes I'm successful. However, when we have gone a stretch of time with everything being over-the-top difficult, I can't help but take it personally. I begin to wonder if I'm doing something wrong. If I'm giving enough hugs. If I'm using the right tone. If I'm being consistent enough. Surely, if I was doing things right, it wouldn't be so hard and it wouldn't hurt so much.
How in the world am I to "Quit Taking It personally"?
I want to see them succeed so badly. I know other parents feel this way too. I've seen it in my own parents.... how easily they can be injured by their own kids. They love us so much, it hurts. I guess I'm like my parents in that way.
I feel like I need to learn to some how distance myself so as to be able to not take it personally. Maybe distancing isn't the right word. Maybe it is realizing that their actions do not necessarily reflect on my abilities. I think that is it actually. I feel like if all is wrong then it must be my fault. In reality, it isn't. I can't control how my children feel or how they respond to life's blows. Maybe if I can remind myself of that daily, ok hourly, I won't be so injured by the bad stretches.
I love my children. I must remember to Q-tip. Hopefully, soon I will be able to do that.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Rambling thoughts
I've been wanting to blog for a while now. Not having Internet at my house makes it very difficult to keep up with my blogging. I'm hoping to still tell you all about the amazing trip to China that I took earlier this year. However, today is not the day for that.
As many of you know I became a licensed foster parent back in December. In April, I received my first placement. I have two children with me currently. I knew being a single mom would be difficult. I just didn't realize how difficult it would be to be a single mom to foster kids. (Yes, there truly is a difference between children raised in a "normal" home and those in the foster care system. I didn't fully believe it myself until I became a foster mom.)
I have learned and am learning a lot about myself in this process. What I'm seeing isn't very pretty. I get frustrated way more easily than I would like. (sleep deprivation doesn't help) I find myself not being as consistent as I know I should be. Sometimes, quite honestly, I just want to scream. More often than not, I feel like the worst mom in the world.
However, I know I must be doing something right. They are learning about God and His never ending love. They are learning to pray. (It really is quite adorable to hear kids praying.) They are learning to apologize and to use their manners. I just keep hoping all the good they are learning out weighs any negatives.
My kids are tiny. There is a good chance they will never remember me. Memories fade quickly you know. It makes me want to cry to think that in just a year or so, I won't even be in their mind any more. I'm hoping that what will remain are all the positive lessons on Jesus and how to life well with others.
Even though the last 3 months have felt like forever, it is but a small segment of time that I have been blessed to be their "Mommy". I love them so dearly. I hope and pray that the seeds of Truth will take root deep in their hearts. That one day, these children will grow up to be passionate about Jesus. More than anything, I want to see them in Heaven!!!!!! I pray fervently for their salvation.
In Scripture there is a verse that says, in my paraphrase, how will they know (about Jesus) unless we tell them? Yes, I'm all for missions overseas! I love it! There is a huge mission field right here too, though, in the foster care system. Do you know how many of these children have never been to church? How many only know of Jesus as a swear word? How awful is that? Why aren't more Christian families opening their homes to be a light to these children who so desperately need it??? Yes, it will be the MOST DIFFICULT thing you will ever do. However, as I keep reminding myself, IT ISN'T ABOUT ME!!!! It is about the souls of these children who need the love a family and the love of Jesus.
I will never be a perfect mom. I must not let my imperfections keep me from doing the will of the Father. There are too many children to love to allow myself to be my own hindrance in fulfilling my part of the Great Commission right here.
If you think about it, pray for me. Pray that I have wisdom in being the best mom possible to my current children and those to come. Pray that my kid's hearts will be soft towards God.
As many of you know I became a licensed foster parent back in December. In April, I received my first placement. I have two children with me currently. I knew being a single mom would be difficult. I just didn't realize how difficult it would be to be a single mom to foster kids. (Yes, there truly is a difference between children raised in a "normal" home and those in the foster care system. I didn't fully believe it myself until I became a foster mom.)
I have learned and am learning a lot about myself in this process. What I'm seeing isn't very pretty. I get frustrated way more easily than I would like. (sleep deprivation doesn't help) I find myself not being as consistent as I know I should be. Sometimes, quite honestly, I just want to scream. More often than not, I feel like the worst mom in the world.
However, I know I must be doing something right. They are learning about God and His never ending love. They are learning to pray. (It really is quite adorable to hear kids praying.) They are learning to apologize and to use their manners. I just keep hoping all the good they are learning out weighs any negatives.
My kids are tiny. There is a good chance they will never remember me. Memories fade quickly you know. It makes me want to cry to think that in just a year or so, I won't even be in their mind any more. I'm hoping that what will remain are all the positive lessons on Jesus and how to life well with others.
Even though the last 3 months have felt like forever, it is but a small segment of time that I have been blessed to be their "Mommy". I love them so dearly. I hope and pray that the seeds of Truth will take root deep in their hearts. That one day, these children will grow up to be passionate about Jesus. More than anything, I want to see them in Heaven!!!!!! I pray fervently for their salvation.
In Scripture there is a verse that says, in my paraphrase, how will they know (about Jesus) unless we tell them? Yes, I'm all for missions overseas! I love it! There is a huge mission field right here too, though, in the foster care system. Do you know how many of these children have never been to church? How many only know of Jesus as a swear word? How awful is that? Why aren't more Christian families opening their homes to be a light to these children who so desperately need it??? Yes, it will be the MOST DIFFICULT thing you will ever do. However, as I keep reminding myself, IT ISN'T ABOUT ME!!!! It is about the souls of these children who need the love a family and the love of Jesus.
I will never be a perfect mom. I must not let my imperfections keep me from doing the will of the Father. There are too many children to love to allow myself to be my own hindrance in fulfilling my part of the Great Commission right here.
If you think about it, pray for me. Pray that I have wisdom in being the best mom possible to my current children and those to come. Pray that my kid's hearts will be soft towards God.
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