Things I wished I had known

Last week, I was able to share with a group of people who are in the process of becoming licensed to be foster parents. It was fun to see myself in them just a couple of years ago.  It is kinda funny to think of myself as an expert. I have only been doing this for two years. However, I have learned a lot. There was only so much I could share with them in the amount of time given. Honestly, I could talk for hours about being a foster parent.

When you become a foster parent, there are about 40 hours worth of classes you have to take. You would think you would know everything there is to know by the end of it. And yet you don't. There are things only life and time can teach you. I thought I would share the things I wished I had known before becoming a foster parent. It may sound negative, but it is honest.

I wish I had known that...
it would be so hard that I would want to quit. Multiple times. And by hard, I mean the most difficult thing I've ever done. Hard. Hard. Hard.

I could go to the hearings and conferences regarding my foster child's case. Granted there are a couple of things we aren't allowed to attend.  However, it is so much better to be involved. Take a half day off of work and go. You learn so much at these events. More than if you just get the run down afterwards. Most of the time, all those involved in the case are tight lipped, and you aren't able to get much information due to privacy laws. Yet, if you show up, suddenly, you get to know all sorts of things.

It would cost me so much money. When a child is placed with you, they usually come with very little. It us up to the foster parent to get the child everything they need ASAP. You do get some financial assistance from your agency and the state, however, it takes a while for that money to come in. You could end up spending hundreds to a thousand dollars of your own money when they first come.

Making friends with other foster families is crucial! They are the only ones who will fully understand what you are going through. They will be your life line. I'm so thankful for the foster mom friend that I have. She is single too. It definitely helps that we are on the same page. We can talk about things and totally understand where the other person is coming from.

Mourning should not be down played. When children leave, it is a loss. It is ok to mourn their leaving. It is difficult to love and let go. And not just let go, but know that you may never hear how the child is doing. When I think about my first two girls, B and Z, I still cry. I miss them dearly. I still have their art work on my fridge. In a way, I will probably always mourn their leaving.

You NEVER know what will happen next. This leaves you on a roller coaster ride like you've never experienced. As soon as you think you know what is going to happen, you find out that the exact opposite will be occurring. Your heart is ripped apart. You live in a constant state of unsettledness. It wouldn't be so bad if the children didn't sense it too. They are aware that nothing is certain as well. It makes for emotional children and parents.

I think I've mentioned this before. I felt so bad that I couldn't get everything done. I felt like I was not being the perfect mom. However, as soon as I admitted my inabilities, I hired someone to help me clean. My house still isn't perfect, but it is so much better. It is ok to say you can't do it all!

Being a foster parent isn't about me. I will pour my heart and soul into these children, but CPS doesn't care about me. If the children go back home, CPS doesn't care about my broken heart. There were so many times that I had questions about my kid's situations, but I would get vague to no answers. It was frustrating! If anything does come up, I would always be the last to know. It is hard to feel like an after thought. I jump through hoops to take care of these children, and the state could care less about me and my opinions. They only care about me following the rules.

I love how my foster mom friend put it. Being a foster parent is like dating someone who can only talk about their ex. I never knew how hard it would be to fall in love with a little person and hear them talk about their family who didn't do things right all the time. It hurts. But even though it hurts, I encourage my little ones to love their bio family. No matter what happens, they will always be related by blood. They will always be family. So I try to put aside my feelings and share the spotlight with them.

I guess I will stop here for the night. This is just a short list of things I wish I had known before I became a foster parent. If you have any questions, let me know. I would be happy to help.  :)

Growing Pains

I remember when I was younger going through a growth spurt. I grew 5-6 inches in 6 months.  My shoes sizes were changing almost monthly. I was always a bit overweight even as a child. However, when this growth spurt hit, I didn't gain weight with it. I became very thin. People were asking my mom if I was ok, if I had developed an eating disorder. It was an adjustment being the skinny girl. You really are treated differently when you are thin verses overweight. But I digress.  I experienced growing pains during this time period. I got stretch marks like crazy. In the end, it was all part of the growing up process.  

Now, I'm going through a different sort of growing pains.  It is more of an internal/emotional thing. I can almost feel my inner self groaning as I'm being stretched and pulled. I will be honest. It isn't a comfortable thing. And yet, I know it is necessary. It is part of the process of becoming who I am supposed to be.

The last week or so, the reality of what I am doing has hit me up side the head. The fact that I am 32 29ish, single, and a foster mom to two little girls boggles my mind. I NEVER would have thought this is how my life would be. The very real struggle of dealing with such serious issues by myself was not part of my plan. 

And so my soul groans. It asks me if this is really what I want to do? Is this the load I want to carry? Do I want to permanently take on my girls if the case should go that way? Do I really want to let go of the freedom of being on my own? When was the last time I got to have coffee with a friend? When was the last time I was invited to a party and I didn't have to worry about my kids? 

I realize that I've been doing this for two years now. I should be okay with all the things I've given up. Yet, the inner pain of growth and change shows me that I haven't fully surrendered my selfishness. I'm sure most moms go through this phase. The learning to let go of the person you used to be before children, and embracing who you are becoming as a mom. I do see myself changing. I see growth happening. The possibility of permanency is making me wonder all over again if I am capable of continuing on this journey as a single mom. 

Deep down, I know the answer is yes. I know I will let go of the past and embrace the future. However, I also know that it is okay to mourn the loss of the freedom and the person I was. It is part of the process of growing, of becoming the mom I need to be. Even as I'm typing this, tears are stinging my eyes. I don't want to let go. I miss the old me. I miss being social. I miss having a life. I miss being able to do things spur of the moment. I miss not having my life controlled by the state and everything I do be documented. I miss being able to plan trips and weekend getaways. 

And then I think about the two beautiful girls who call me "mom". I can't imagine life without them. I don't want to. They remind me that what I'm doing is worth it. They are worth it. They are worth every missed wedding, party, social event, etc. Being their mom is a privilege and an honor. I'm glad that God has chosen me to be their mom. I don't always understand what He is doing, but I do trust Him. I know He is looking out for me and my girls. 

Doesn't Scripture say that if He has called, He will also equip? Well, I guess that means He will help me let go of the past and continue growing me into the person He wants me to be.