I have been trying to write all week. I have all these thoughts that want to come out; but as soon as I put them down, I back out on hitting that "publish" button. So instead of writing a highly emotional blog that makes me even more vulnerable, I'm going with a practical one. :)
I have learned several things since becoming a foster parent. I see and view things differently. It has been a life changing experience. During this journey, I have been told certain things by well meaning friends and family. These things have not been helpful. It turns out that I'm not the only foster parent who is being told well meaning things that actually hurt instead of help. So I thought I would assist all of you by giving you pointers on things you should NEVER say to a foster parent, unless you want them to physically harm you. lol ;)
7. So why are they in foster care? ...... Umm, yeah, we really aren't supposed to talk about that. Privacy laws and such. Don't be surprised if I give you a vague answer if you ask that question. Oh, and please, don't do the guessing game. There is no need to try to guess why they are in foster care.
6. Are you going to keep them? ...... We don't know the answer to that question. We could be told that the parental rights are going to be terminated, but that doesn't mean much until the rights are actually terminated. We may want to adopt them, but our desire means nothing to CPS.
5. Oh, I could never be a foster parent. ...... Well, I am a foster parent and I'm still not sure I can do it. The point is, if you are called to do it, you will be able to! Some how, when we are told that you couldn't be a foster parent, it makes us feel... Honestly, I don't know how to put into words how it makes us feel, but it isn't good.
4. I would love the children too much; it would hurt when the children left. I could never be a foster parent. ...... Yes, it does hurt, a lot. Loss always hurts. Loving someone is always a risk. Our pain is nothing, though, compared to the pain these children go through.
3. You have been through so much with these children. Maybe you should quit. It might be more than you can handle. ...... Quit because I'm exhausted and life is hard? I'm sorry, when you were pushing your child out of your body, when you got exhausted did you quit? When your pain level was at a 20, did you decided to stop pushing and let the baby stay in the womb? Or how about the 100th night in a row of little to no sleep because your baby needs to be fed every few hours, is that when you quit? Of course not. What I'm saying is being a parent is hard regardless.
2. You are so brave to do this! The world needs more generous people like you. ...... Please, do not put me on a pedestal. I'm simply doing what God has asked of me. I'm no different from anyone else. I fail all the time.
1. You wanted to become a foster parent. It shouldn't be a surprise when they leave. You are just setting yourself up to be hurt. ...... This statement hurts the most. It devalues how we feel and how much we love the children. Being a foster parent is a roller coaster. There is a good portion of the time that the kids are with you that you think they will be your forever child. So yes, it is often a surprise when they go back. I don't think people understand that when they leave we truly go into mourning. We have experienced loss. Yes, they are still physically alive; but they are no longer our children. We are mourning the loss of a relationship. It is no different from grieving a break up. How long one grieves varies on may things. Please, please, don't rush someone's grieving process. Don't tell them it is time to "move on". Our hearts will always feel like someone is missing, no matter how much time has passed.
Believe it or not, these are statements are made frequently to foster parents, not just to me. You may be wondering what you should say. Here are some ideas.....
How can I help?
Do you need anything?
How can I become a babysitter for you so you can have a break?
I'm sorry they are gone. My heart hurts for you.
Would you like me to bring you coffee? :)
Basically, make yourself available. Offer to bring a meal or buy a box of diapers. Little things like that mean more than you know.
Now, if you have said any of these things to me or any foster parent, do not feel badly. You didn't know. We all have things to learn. I know I'm guilty of saying a couple of these before I became a foster parent. I want you to know that I am so incredibly thankful for the love and support that I have been given from friends and family. It hasn't been an easy road, but I have had people loving me every step of the way. If we all do our part, whether we are the foster parent or supporting a friend who is, it makes the load easier and the path less difficult.
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