This year has been unbelievably difficult for me.  If I were to title 2014, it might be called "The Year of Disappointment and Grieving".  Sounds like a winner doesn't it?  I have lost so much.  I have questioned God.  I have cried more tears than I thought possible.  I have been broken. I have wrestled with the lack of answers and understanding. I have struggled to find joy in the day to day things. It is has been rough to say the least.  

One of the many odd parts of this year is that I haven't had children in my house very much. I had my two girls until the end of March, and then I went on hold to find out what was going to happen with them.  Once I went off hold, I figured I would be busy again.  I've only had one placement since my girls left, and she was only with me for 5 weeks!  I have been by myself more than anything.  My house is very quiet.  I used to love a quiet house.  Now, it bothers me.  I miss the noise of little ones. My last baby left almost ten weeks ago.  I've had several calls; but for one reason or another, they weren't placed with me. With empty beds and empty arms, my heart has been aching. I haven't felt much like a mom. A mom needs children to love on. 

A couple of weeks ago, I was wondering why I've had so much down time?? My agency loves me.  I'm a "seasoned" foster parent.  (Yes, according to my agency 3 years makes you seasoned. I still feel like a newbie though.) Anyway, as I was generally wondering about this, I sensed the Holy Spirit whisper to me that the reason for this down time was to give me time to heal.  Yes, I did need time to heal. It has been difficult for me to put into words how much pain the loss of my girls has caused me.  I know it might be hard for people to understand the depths of grieving over the loss of children that weren't truly mine to begin with. See, the thing is I had already determined in my heart that they would be mine forever. I had already told all the powers-that-be that I would be their forever mom. When I said yes to adoption, it was like my heart and mind shifted from temporary to forever thinking. Then when I found out that they weren't going to be mine after all, I was grieving the hopes and dreams for our futures, as well as for the girls. I had names picked out for them! In my heart, in every way possible, they were mine!  And I needed time to heal from this loss. It still hurts very much.  My heart is raw and tender still. I think about the girls every single day. 

And yet, even though I miss them with every fiber in my being, I very much want to open my home to another child.  It is exciting to think about loving another child and showing them what family really is. To give you an idea as to how much I'm anticipating a phone call from my agency, I will tell you a little secret.  My phone is never out of my site!  It goes with me every where!!  It is beside me when I'm sleeping.  It is on my desk at work.  It is in my pocket when I'm out and about.  And yes, it is with me when I go to the bathroom. I frequently check the ringer volume to make sure it is at the loudest setting.  You do not want to miss a call from your agency!  They might call someone else, and you could miss out!  It might sound crazy to most of you, but other foster/adoptive people out there understand.  :)  

I would love to end this year on a high note.  I'm hoping and praying to have a baby in my house before Christmas.  Celebrating Christmas with children is the best! I was blessed to be able to celebrate two holiday seasons with my girls.  I'm hoping to be able to show another child the wonders of Christmas this year. I'm ready to be a mom again. 

God has given me much grace during this season of loss and grief. He reminds me frequently that He hasn't forgotten me or my girls. He keeps reminding me to rest in Him, and let Him take the heavy load I've been bearing. Even though I haven't really enjoyed this time in my life, I have learned a lot.  

***If you know a foster parent, ask them if they need anything this Christmas.  Usually, between our agencies, CASA, and even CPS, the kids get many presents at Christmas. (which is awesome!) Ask if the children need anything. If they don't, then ask what the foster parent needs.  As parents in general, we tend to not express our needs/desires to ensure that the children have all that they need.  Maybe they could use a hot meal that isn't fast food and they didn't have to cook.  Or maybe get them a gift card to a grocery store.  Be creative.  :)  It wouldn't take much to bless them.