Seasons. Journey. Process. What do all three of those things have in common? They are words that frequently describe my life. I can't tell you the number of times I've been told "It's all part of the process. It's about the journey not the destination. All things last only for a season." While these statements are true, they get old fast. Frankly, I get tired of hearing it. And yet, I can't shake the fact they are words I need to hear. As much as I hate it, I have to be reminded that everything is temporary. I think the reason why it gets to me so much is because I crave stability, permanency. The only thing permanent and that will last forever is God. Deep down the reason behind the irritability towards the seasons of my life is that I yearn for eternity with God. Only in Heaven will there be no seasons of life.
But I'm not in Heaven.
This means that I must constantly grow, change, and be on life's journey. It has been a bumpy road full of unexpected events and twists and turns. I've felt lost more than I've felt found. Even in the knowing that I'm heading in the right direction, I frequently wonder if I'm missing something along the way.
Being a foster parent has had more seasons than I anticipated. With every placement we are told to expect the goal to be reunification. This creates an unsettling atmosphere for me. It is the reminder that it is temporary. It is hard to live like that when your heart is forever minded. I want a forever child. My heart wants something that will last.
Despite the statistics of how many children are in foster care, I'm finding it a rather long process (see there is that word again) to foster to adopt. I have been licensed for over 2.5 years. I honestly thought I would have my forever daughter by now. At this rate, it could be another 2 years. This does not bring joy to my heart. I don't relish the fact that heart ache could be around the bend, again. And yet, God reminded me this weekend that this is part of my ministry. This journey of being a foster parent is not one I would have ever anticipated 10 years ago, especially not as a single person. But it is part of the bigger picture of my life. This is the season I'm in now. I more than likely won't be a foster parent forever. I will, at some point in time, adopt. I need to learn to enjoy the now, knowing it is temporal. (It may FEEL like forever though...)
When I became a foster parent, I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. I didn't. I don't think anyone really does. I didn't realize that there were seasons in fostering, but there is. You have the waiting season. The one where your phone is ever by your side because you don't want to miss a call from your agency about a little one. You have the placement season. This is where you learn about your child, and how to meet their needs while not losing your sanity. Then there is the bonding season. This is when hearts are joined together. Felt safety is happening. Children are realizing that you are okay after all. Love begins to blossom. From here the seasons can vary. It might be a difficult season of dealing with the internal wounds the child has received. At some point in time, you will get the information that will bring around a new season. The season of transition. Whether that means preparing yourself and the child for leaving your home or getting ready for forever together. Seasons and change are inevitable. They will come.
Even though I know all of this now and I have more peace about it then before, my heart still yearns for forever. I guess for now, I need to find the joy that comes with being where I am supposed to be and doing what I need to be doing in the here and now. God knows my desires. He will take care of me during this season/journey/process.
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