Growing Pains

I remember when I was younger going through a growth spurt. I grew 5-6 inches in 6 months.  My shoes sizes were changing almost monthly. I was always a bit overweight even as a child. However, when this growth spurt hit, I didn't gain weight with it. I became very thin. People were asking my mom if I was ok, if I had developed an eating disorder. It was an adjustment being the skinny girl. You really are treated differently when you are thin verses overweight. But I digress.  I experienced growing pains during this time period. I got stretch marks like crazy. In the end, it was all part of the growing up process.  

Now, I'm going through a different sort of growing pains.  It is more of an internal/emotional thing. I can almost feel my inner self groaning as I'm being stretched and pulled. I will be honest. It isn't a comfortable thing. And yet, I know it is necessary. It is part of the process of becoming who I am supposed to be.

The last week or so, the reality of what I am doing has hit me up side the head. The fact that I am 32 29ish, single, and a foster mom to two little girls boggles my mind. I NEVER would have thought this is how my life would be. The very real struggle of dealing with such serious issues by myself was not part of my plan. 

And so my soul groans. It asks me if this is really what I want to do? Is this the load I want to carry? Do I want to permanently take on my girls if the case should go that way? Do I really want to let go of the freedom of being on my own? When was the last time I got to have coffee with a friend? When was the last time I was invited to a party and I didn't have to worry about my kids? 

I realize that I've been doing this for two years now. I should be okay with all the things I've given up. Yet, the inner pain of growth and change shows me that I haven't fully surrendered my selfishness. I'm sure most moms go through this phase. The learning to let go of the person you used to be before children, and embracing who you are becoming as a mom. I do see myself changing. I see growth happening. The possibility of permanency is making me wonder all over again if I am capable of continuing on this journey as a single mom. 

Deep down, I know the answer is yes. I know I will let go of the past and embrace the future. However, I also know that it is okay to mourn the loss of the freedom and the person I was. It is part of the process of growing, of becoming the mom I need to be. Even as I'm typing this, tears are stinging my eyes. I don't want to let go. I miss the old me. I miss being social. I miss having a life. I miss being able to do things spur of the moment. I miss not having my life controlled by the state and everything I do be documented. I miss being able to plan trips and weekend getaways. 

And then I think about the two beautiful girls who call me "mom". I can't imagine life without them. I don't want to. They remind me that what I'm doing is worth it. They are worth it. They are worth every missed wedding, party, social event, etc. Being their mom is a privilege and an honor. I'm glad that God has chosen me to be their mom. I don't always understand what He is doing, but I do trust Him. I know He is looking out for me and my girls. 

Doesn't Scripture say that if He has called, He will also equip? Well, I guess that means He will help me let go of the past and continue growing me into the person He wants me to be.