Wounded Heart

My house is a mess right now, but I don't mind. I'm looking at crayons on the floor, a puzzle missing a piece, and building blocks. Normally, the mess of children's play gets  to me.  But not today.  This mess was made by my two adorable girls.  Since they went back to their family, we have been in constant contact. I was able to help out the bio family by babysitting the girls over the weekend.  It was a hard but good weekend.  They are so little that they don't understand why they had to leave me, and why they were back for a visit.

Honestly, keeping in touch with them the last two weeks has been bittersweet. I love hearing their little voices and having glimpses into their day.  But it is just a reminder of the fact that they aren't with me. I usually end the call and fight tears.  My heart aches to have them be mine again.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm thankful that they are letting me be involved in the girl's lives.  However, I don't know how NOT to be their mom.  I talk to them like their mom.  I correct them like a mom.  I remind them to use their manners like a mom.  In my heart, I am their mom!!

I've been doing a lot of praying  and asking God questions.  I've been trying to figure out what I want to do, if I ever even want to be a foster parent again.  This experience has left me broken and wounded.  Every time I allow children into my house, I fall in love with them and they leave - taking a part of me with them. Their stories become my stories.  I empathize with them. I invest myself wholeheartedly.  Right now, I'm not feeling whole.  I'm feeling broken.  Can I be a good foster mom if I'm wounded and broken?

And then I was reminded by the Holy Spirit of something I had never thought about before.  How many times had I prayed, "God break my heart for the things that break Yours."?  It then dawned on me. God has completely and irrevocably broken my heart for the orphans. The deep pain I feel over their plight is just a glimpse at the Father's heart for His children. He had answered my prayer in a way I hadn't expected. I now know the answer.  I have to keep going.  I have to keep loving the children.  If I don't, who will? They are part of my calling. So if God has broken my heart for the orphans, then I know He will heal the wounds and give me the strength to keep going.  The more I pour my heart out to the least of these, the more love He will give me to give them.

I've also been reading an amazing book that I highly recommend called KISSES FROM KATIE. Wow! Katie's heart for the children of Uganda blows me away!  Almost every page challenges me to think bigger, love deeper, and give more freely. If she can adopt 13 children by the age of 22, I can be a foster mom to a couple of girls.  I want to be like her when I grow up.  She sees the need and figures out how to meet that need.  She has discovered a simplistic truth. Love goes so far. Love heals so many wounds. Love makes a bigger difference than we think.

Between the Holy Spirit, the book I'm reading, and the situations at hand, I've been doing a lot of crying to say the least.  God is working in my heart.  He is challenging me to grow, to let Him take the anger away. Life hasn't been easy. But I believe that somehow God can make beauty from the ashes. He can use my brokenness to help heal a little one.