I've been a foster parent for 3 years now. Three years! It doesn't sound like much, and yet it feels like forever all at the same time. The average length of time for someone to be a foster parent is around 2 years. I honestly never thought I would make it to 3 years. I thought I would have adopted by now, and my time as a foster parent would be over. However, that hasn't been the case. I'm not anywhere closer to adopting now then I was 3 years ago when I started. It is frustrating.
I had been praying for a Christmas present in the form of a baby. In the most unusual way, it happened. I was chosen to be Brown Eye's foster mom. I was excited!! Due to her situation, I was able to see her several times before she came to me. This helped greatly with the bonding process! When she came to my house, I was not a complete stranger. She stole my heart in the blink of an eye. I loved everything about her! Then out of the blue, after being with me only a week, I was told she was going to a family member. I was shocked! I had been told at placement that family wasn't an option. I was given two hours notice. I bawled my eyes out. It was hard to breath. I couldn't believe she was going to a questionable situation. I couldn't believe I was losing another child. It was too much for me. And this would happen just the day before Christmas Eve.
Between Brown Eyes, Baby Cakes, and my other girls, I'm not too sure if I want to continue being a foster parent. I love the children! But I HATE the system. I haven't had very many positive experiences where I thought good decisions were being made for the children. The last few days, I keep asking myself what would I do if my agency called with another baby? So far, there has been little desire to say yes to another placement. If they could guarantee me that I would be able to adopt the child, then we would have a different answer. I want to adopt. I want to help children. It seems that I can't really do my part if the system is going to continue to make poor decisions. It is because of cases like Brown Eye's that many foster parents quit. They feel like what they are doing is pointless. We work hard to bond with the child and to meet their needs. Then someone else comes along to make a decision that is usually not the best.
Foster parents are frequently painted as money hungry people who do not care for the children. That isn't always the case. More often than not, they are doing it because they love little ones and want to help them. The state acts like we are the plague and works hard to get kids out of our homes as quickly as possible. Even if it means moving them to an iffy family member or returning them to their parents who aren't ready. I wish people knew the true horrors of the foster care system and CPS. Then maybe, just maybe, there would be someone who would take up the cause of the child and fight for them!!! The hard part about getting out the truth is that it is tied to stories that are to be kept confidential. How does one sound the alarm and keep the privacy laws at the same time?
I find it difficult to want to work with a system that protects the rights of the parents, who have hurt innocent ones, over the children. I've seen so much evil in the last 3 years. It hurts me to my core. I've had to frequently go to Jesus and ask Him to help me forgive those who hurt the little ones. It would be so easy for me to become angry, bitter, hateful, and completely jaded over all I have experienced. With the help of God and the constant prodding of the Holy Spirit, I have to daily forgive and remember that vengeance is God's.
If you think about me, pray for me. I really want to quit being a foster parent. I do not have the release to do so yet. So I need a heart change. I need to find a way to move beyond the pain. I'm hoping, that if I do take another placement, it will be my last one and a forever child. It will take all of God's grace and strength to keep going. I will if He wants me to. I just need that prodding to do so.
Please forgive me if this blog sounds very down and perhaps angry. I've been trying to process so much. I am also trying to figure out how to balance the truth of what is going on without giving too many details. It is a hard thing to do.
**Disclaimer** I do realize that not all CPS workers are awful. I'm sure there are some great people out there who work hard to keep children safe. I do also acknowledge that many of them are also frustrated with the broken system. I do not hate the social workers. It is the system I greatly dislike.
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