ALL THE FEELINGS

For about a week now, I've had all the emotions going on inside of me. My feelings are worn out from feeling all the things. It is amazing how you can get exhausted just from emotions. I'm so tired, you would think I haven't slept in months. Ok, well having a newborn probably has helped with the exhaustion part. But seriously, I'm emotionally drained.

I know what has triggered this hot mess too. It is two fold. First of all, it was a year ago this month that my two girls left. Meaning, my heart has had a giant whole in it for a year now. I still miss them more than words can say. I still have way more questions then answers as to why they had to leave. Their situation has given me doubts about ever being able to adopt from the foster care system. Second, my current foster baby's case doesn't seem to be going anywhere. If you knew the story, which I'm not at liberty to share, you would think that she is most likely going to be my forever child. However, there are also a lot of uncertainties with her case. I wish it was cut and dry, but it isn't. The not knowing always gets to me. And this time is no different.

Truthfully, I have little faith that the system will make the right decision by her. The case workers, especially in Dallas County, are overworked. They have upwards of 80 cases at any given time. How in the world do we expect them to make good decisions for kids when they can't even remember the details of each case? The state is trying to find ways to cut expenses, but hiring fewer case workers won't help. If there was a way to cut their case load down to 20-30 at a time, I think we would find much better results with the children. Maybe case workers would be able to return calls or actually get to know the kids this way. Typically, I see the case worker once a month, at best, for 30 minutes to an hour. That is it. In that time, they try to learn all they can about how the child is doing. You might get a brief update on the case, and that is about it. Now, there are times when you might have more contact with them if the child is having issues. For the most part, I'm left in the dark wondering what is going to happen.

Being in the dark leaves my mind to wondering all the what if's. The what ifs lead to worry. Worry leads me to feeling all the feelings. I guess I'm worried. I'm worried about my Little One. I'm worried about her out come. I have friends who are foster parents, and I find myself worrying about their children too. I know we aren't supposed to worry. It is a constant struggle for me. I do pray, all the time, for the children. I know God sees the big picture. I know He loves my Little One more than I do. But I don't trust these people to make right decisions. I have to trust that no matter the outcome God will take care of her.

My agency has asked me if I want to take in more children since I just have one right now. I feel torn with that question. I know more children need a safe home, and I have an empty bedroom. However, I'm just one person. I have a newborn. My finances are tight. I don't think now is a good time to take in another child. IF one of my girls who have been in my care before come back, then I would open my doors to them in a heart beat. Until I know what is going to happen with Little One, I don't think I can take another placement. People, we need Christian foster parents. These kids need someone who will be willing to fight for them. Someone who will introduce them to Jesus. It isn't easy at all. The burn out is real and fast. That is why we need a constant flow of new people becoming foster parents. May I suggest my agency, Arrow Child and Family Ministries? I love them and their heart for children. The fact that the founder of the organization was once a foster child himself speaks volumes.

If you think about it, pray for me. Pray that my soul will find peace and rest, that the emotions will subside.