The Pain of Father's Day

I was searching through my old blog posts. I was almost certain that I have written about this before, but maybe not. After all, writing this would make me exposed and vulnerable. So here we go....

Father's Day.... Those two words bring many emotions and thoughts. Today, I want to share about this holiday from the perspective of a single mom of two adopted kids.

I've said it more than once, I never anticipated being a single mom for this long. I figured marriage would happen before I adopted. It didn't. Now I find myself with two amazing children who have biological dads that they can't have a relationship with. In essence, they don't really have a dad. Those words take my breath away and crush my heart. It hurts me to hear them ask why they don't have a dad. My precious son asked his grandpa if he could be his dad too. I want desperately for my kids to have an earthly father that they can have a relationship with.

Then Father's Day comes around. Crafts are made at daycare and at church for a dad. The lack of a father is dredged back up again. More questions are asked. I cry some more over the gap I cannot fill. The ache in my heart gets deeper.

Honestly, it is hard to write about this. I'm struggling to find the words because the emotions are so big.

When my youngest sister got married recently, as I watched my dad walk her down the aisle, a thought came to my mind. "What if I never marry? What if Violet never gets a dad? Then she won't have a dad to give her away when she gets married!" My soul grieved at this thought. Sure, I could walk her down the aisle, but it isn't the same as a father.

My kids have lost so much already. I don't want them to miss out on more. Our pastor on Sunday talked about how no matter how good of an earthly father you have, there will be gaps that can only be filled by God. I needed that reminder because there is a giant hole in our family. It glares at me with every Father's Day commercial. I wish the knowledge that God fills the gaps was enough to bring peace to me. It should be. Instead tears continue to stream down my face as my heart screams "it isn't fair to them God! It isn't fair to them! They deserve an amazing earthly dad too!"

The lack of a husband for me and a dad for my kids is not something I can fix simply. So I hold my kids close to me and whisper to them how much I love them, that they have  many people in their lives that love and care about them. I remind them that they aren't the only children without a dad. I tell them that God is our Father too.

We have a children's book based upon the song "Good, Good Father" by Chris Tomlin. It talks about what a good father is like. One of the lines says something along the lines of "He plans with the very best in mind". I am holding out hope that God is still planning things out for my family with the very best in mind. I am hoping that will mean a dad for my kids. Then maybe one day, this holiday called Father's Day, won't be so hard for us.