In my foster parent training, they would tell us to always remember "Q-tip".
Quit
Taking
It
Personally
Don't take it personally when your child's behavior is deplorable, or they are screaming all sorts of things at you. Don't take it personally if they always ask for their "real" parents. In reality, it is easier said than done.
I'm an emotional person. I'm also a very giving person. I give of myself whole heartedly into relationships. Those two things combined means I'm also easily hurt. I've learned not to take everything personally or to absorb the words that come out of people's mouths. It hasn't been easy lesson to learn to do those things, but it has helped heal me and prevent further injuries.
That being said, I never knew how much loving a child could hurt. I don't know how not to take things personally with my children. I've tried. I've tried to distance myself when words are said or actions are done. Sometimes I'm successful. However, when we have gone a stretch of time with everything being over-the-top difficult, I can't help but take it personally. I begin to wonder if I'm doing something wrong. If I'm giving enough hugs. If I'm using the right tone. If I'm being consistent enough. Surely, if I was doing things right, it wouldn't be so hard and it wouldn't hurt so much.
How in the world am I to "Quit Taking It personally"?
I want to see them succeed so badly. I know other parents feel this way too. I've seen it in my own parents.... how easily they can be injured by their own kids. They love us so much, it hurts. I guess I'm like my parents in that way.
I feel like I need to learn to some how distance myself so as to be able to not take it personally. Maybe distancing isn't the right word. Maybe it is realizing that their actions do not necessarily reflect on my abilities. I think that is it actually. I feel like if all is wrong then it must be my fault. In reality, it isn't. I can't control how my children feel or how they respond to life's blows. Maybe if I can remind myself of that daily, ok hourly, I won't be so injured by the bad stretches.
I love my children. I must remember to Q-tip. Hopefully, soon I will be able to do that.
Sheryl, this too is my struggle. I personalize their comments and actions, even when their actions aren't necessarily directed toward me. Since I work with foster children who are much older than yours, I have had a chance to dig a little deeper in efforts to create an environment of communication. One day after a frustrating incident, I had an opportunity to share with one of "my girls" how I felt. She listened intently as I explained how hurt I felt, even rejected and betrayed, when she and her peers had acted out in such a way after I had done so much to let them know how much I loved them. Without hesitation, she said, "Isn't that the way people treat Jesus?" I sat flabbergasted. I replayed her words in my mind, and I realized that love, authentic love, never fails. Even when it isn't returned or responded to in a like manner, it doesn't fail. Just like you, I am not likely to remember that their comments and their actions are not to be taken personally, but I can remind myself of how when perfect love stood before the crowd, He was rejected, betrayed, and spat upon. His response? Forgive them for they know not what they do.
ReplyDeleteVeronica, beautifully put. Thanks, I needed that reminder. :)
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